Enchanted

This is me praying that

This is the very first page

Not where the story line ends

My thoughts will echo your name

Until I see you again

These are the words I held back

As I was leaving too soon

I was enchanted to meet you

*

After looking through old emails with B, we determined that today made it a year since we met for coffee/tea. It's been a year of trying new food, going new places, and all kinds of fun. I wonder what the next adventures will be!

~

To explain the song lyrics above: this post is reminiscent of my middle and high school days. Perhaps I was inspired due to the middle schooler I have been tutoring for quite a few weeks. She's all about expressing herself through poetry and music. Sometimes it is good to live out our teenager ways! Also, I will be totally honest (slightly blushing here) but when B and I first started dating I would blast this song in the car. Sigh. Cheesy but true, music is a great extension of the heart.

*Taylor Swift 

St. Patrick's Day Fun

May love and laughter light your days,

and warm your heart and home.

May good and faithful friends be yours,

wherever you may roam.

May peace and plenty bless your world

with joy that long endures.

May all life's passing seasons

bring the best to you and yours!

-- Irish Blessing

St. Patrick's Day was a good one this year. A day of remembering, welcoming, gathering, and relaxing. 

{tradition to pick a bouquet of daffodils in remembrance of Papa's passing years ago on this day} {great day to wear this pretty scarf from Granny} {Surprising Mom as she returned from her business trip to China -- she didn't know Sarah and I would be at the airport with my Auntie} {Tasty Starbucks drink from my Auntie}

{Enjoying lunch at Rose's Deli with some of my lady family members-- delicious!} {two treats I brought home from the restaurant/bakery: Shamrock sugar cookie & a Mini- EClair... I am very sugared out now!}

Hope you all had a fabulous day and remembered to wear GREEN!

Happy Birthday Papa

Nestled into a corner of the New Year.... in between the fading low hum from the holidays and the distant bursting blooms of fragrant roses was a celebration that happened for 16 years of my life.

For all those years, I celebrated my birthday with an exquisite human being, Papa. Today is his birthday, which I why I'm writing a post of rememberance. And tomorrow is mine. I have always loved that our birthdays are right next door to each other. If he was still here he would be turning 101.

Most years, there was a big family party around the first weekend of February. I loved gathering together with all of my family and being with Papa. I particularly enjoyed the fact that we shared the attention, as being in the center has never really been my cup of tea.

I'll always remember what it felt like to be with him. I loved his study strong hand on my shoulder and the way he held me close.

Twenty-five is a big milestone year for me and while I've missed him terribly on every birthday that has passed, I miss him even more now. I almost want to ask "I wonder what he would say to me this year?" but I don't think I need to. He would put his arm around me and with or without words say: you're enough. He would pat me lightly on the shoulder and reiterate that again. Who I am today, tomorrow, and in the future-- I am enough. And that is good.

Happy Birthday Papa :) I'd pick every rose for you.

Credit: Carl Christensen, his shop at Etsy

Looking Back at 2011

Credit: Teguh Santosa

[This entry is more or less just for me but if you want to read go ahead...]

Truthfully, the thought of reviewing 2011 is a bit exhausting but I feel as though it is needed.  2011 will always be the year that changed my perspectives almost every aspect of life. Last year had many high highs and lows, often they came hand in hand. Not only were events a mixed bag but life was just insanely busy. I think it was a rough year for the world too, as a local news station marked 2011 as a "tumultuous year." Really, for me, I could sum it up as being the year of unexpectedness; so much that when something rather large, bad or crazy happened I would laugh and say "of course, because it is 2011."

To this end, 2011 did not start off well. As mentioned in a previous post, I had inklings that last year wouldn't be spectacular... I knew from the moment the "ball dropped," transitioning from 2010 to 'l1 that it was going to be another year, not one full of hope.

My intuition was correct and on January 10th, 2011 we had to put down our last kitty, one of the "Originals." While this may sound trivial to some, it was very devastating. I can't believe that it has been 365 days without Minnie. I think one of the hardest parts of that experience was having to feel the reality that life is temporary and what we love may be gone tomorrow. Perhaps this is a cliche -- it is often a reaction to losing something you love, but last January, it hit me hard. I think it is safe to say that the event itself shot me into a depression and I was numb for quite some time. I grieved over my loss and all others that I have lost in the past. 

While it was awful feeling the way that I did, purposefully, it opened my heart in other ways. It's true- endings do mean new beginnings. A few days after losing Minnie, I was working at Hallmark with a dear co-worker and a customer from Rainier, WA (or St. Helens?) came in to buy some items. Around that time a horrible tragedy had occurred in Washington that involved at least one police officer being killed. This poor lady also knew some other people who had recently passed away; she was clearly traumatized. My co-worker and I talked with her and allowed her to vent. I had so much empathy for that woman- I felt sad for her too. Meeting her was humbling as well, I needed to be reminded that I wasn't the only one who was struggling... and others have gone through so much worse.

(After contemplating this blog post, I thought it made more sense to make categories versus going month by month)

Unexpected Deaths
- Minnie in January
- A family friend from the beach died from a heart attack in February
- Another family friend, a lovely 90 year old lady died in the Spring
- In the world: Steve Jobs

Natural Disasters
- Awful tornado season in the U.S., particularly in Alabama and Joplin in Spring & Summer
- Huge wildfires in AZ
- In the world: Christchurch, NZ (Feb. 22nd), 6.3 earthquake that was very devastating to that city. Massive 9.1 earthquake in Japan (March 11th)- I will never forget those images of destruction...

Football
- Oregon Ducks to the BCIS game on January 10th in which they lost... I was so numb that day.
- Green Bay packers won the Super Bowl on Feb. 6th!

Unexpected Romance
- On Valentine's Day I was asked out by a very kind gentleman, but unfortuantely he called and I answered the phone in front of lots of customers... I was very shocked and didn't know what to say. My boss ended up yelling at him for calling at that time and I felt mortified. Poor guy!
- A week later I decided to email him and apologize for the situation and that I was flattered he asked me out.
- After a month of talking we met for coffee on March 22nd... and we are still going out. Of course, at the time I thought it was onlycoffee. ;-)

New Furry Friends
- On President's Day, Feb. 21st, we decided we were ready for a cat! We wanted a totally different cat than our previous three... and boy, oh BOY did we get a different beast! Cheese Puff, a very rotund orange Tabby  came to live with us.
- On Armed Forces Day, May 21st, a black and white kitten was added to our family! We didn't know at the time that she would turn out to be quite the diva. She truly lives up to her name, Coco Chanel (originally Coco Puff- she is puffy when mad!).
-Of course, girl cat doesn't get along with boy so we have to keep them separate. We have come up with many different solutions but now have it figured out. She's the house gal and he is outside most of the time- for the most part it is peaceful here...until she, by our accident, sneaks her way to Puff and smacks him. haha World War III here sometimes!

Celebrations
- Enjoyed the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton on April 29th... Yes, I got up super early and watched the wedding live. It was great to have an uplifting occasion in the world!
- Granny turned 100 this year and we had a party for her on July 31st!
- Sarah's (now husband), D graduated from high school in June and we went to the ceremony to support him.
- D graduated from Basic Training in the Army in November.
- Sarah and D got married on December 31st. :)

Job Changes & Work
- At the end of May, I was given a tutoring position at Sylvan and I gladly accepted. This couldn't have happened at better time too. I formally quit Hallmark - though I will say, I still miss being with the cards! haha
- Continued to substitute! Had my longest consecutive sub job in December, for 4 days. I thoroughly enjoyed taking over the class for that week. It was a great experience!

Political Leaders Removed from their Positions
-May 1st: Osama bin Laden was killed
- October (not sure on date): Mommar Gadhafi was killed
- November (don't remember the date either- might've been close to the 11th): Kim Jong Il of North Korea died, so he was 'removed' through natural causes.

Bizarre News & Events
- Gabrielle Giffords was shot on January 8th in Tuscon... her story was closely followed all year. What a horrific thing to experience- amazingly enough she lived and is recovering very well through therapy. She has one heck of a story!
- Mom broke her wrist in June, which added to the nutty-ness of the year.
- Occupy Wall Street Movement spread across the nation and the world. Portland's Occupy protest started in October and lasted for quite awhile.
-- Plenty of other weird news but this was one of the main stories.

Remembrances
- 2011 marked the 10th anniversary of September 11th. Wow!

Family Change
- In June my parents separated -- my dad moved out to his own place. This has been a good change for everyone and it is something I intend to write about soon, but am still mulling over how to write about it appropriately.

Travel, Coming & Going
- I went out of the country for the first time to Costa Rica, August 10th to the 21st. That was a very life changing experience! I am so thankful for that opportunity.
- Mom went out of the country two times for work; Brazil end of July (for 4 days) and Singapore (for a week) in September.
- Our family friend from Costa Rica stayed with us twice this year. She stayed with us for about 2 weeks end of July to beginning of August, and then for approximately 2.5 weeks in October to early November.
- Sarah went to Georgia two times to see D; for Family Weekend and Graduation.

School
- Made more progress to completing my Master's. My degree plan changed this past summer because I had the option to add in a Reading endorsement instead of doing the typical Master's courses. :) Yay for a good change!
- Successfully completed my ESOL courses and practicum!
~

Ah... 2011 it was quite the year. I know I am forgetting plenty of things but I think this gives one a good idea that it was a year full of highs and lows. As I might have mentioned already, life was just non-stop busy busy BUSY!

2011 truly taught me how to go with the flow.... Oh did it ever!

I hope this year is much better :)

Today We Remember

Remember [re mem ber]

1) to recall to the mind by an act or effort of memory; think of again

2) to retain in the memory; keep in mind; remain aware of

~

This is the post that everyone is writing about today, rightfully so. It is incredibly difficult writing about this horrific event that happened in the United States, just 10 years ago. There are no words that are quite fitting for describing this significant time. 

On the television this evening there was a special that described the terrorist attack events through the perspective of the firefighters. Their stories along with the images were so profound. What makes me so sick is that while so many thousands of innocent people died at the time, others are still dying from that awful day. Sadly, many firefighters are now dying from serious diseases and multiple cancers. Not only that but these heroes- firefighters and paramedics have dealt with serious PTSD since 9/11. These amazing men and women have endured mental and physical torture since then. Watching this documentary on tv was a good reminder that while this act of terrorism happened 10 years ago, so many are still suffering. 

~

I see the world so much differently than I did 10 years ago. When I looked back in my personal journals I was reminded of how much I was just a 14 year old, a new high school student, entering the 9th grade. Not only that but I was (and still) living in Oregon... 3,000 miles away. While I did write briefly about 9/11 and expressed some empathy-- I really didn't "get it" at the time. I was so much more consumed with my own "trials" as a hormonal teenager than as someone who truly cared about my fellow human beings.

Though I didn't express myself well in writing, I do remember being that young disoriented high school student waking up for another day in the school year. I remember sitting at the kitchen table in my PJs with unbrushed rumpled hair and eating cereal. I sat there as usual reading the cereal box and staring off into la-la land as I attempted to get my eyes to function and attempting to get myself to feel more alert...

I did feel somewhat odd that morning as I had a bizarre dream shortly before I woke up. This is something which I have not spoken about much as I haven't wanted people to accuse me of making it up. However, as it has stuck with me for all these years and I am fairly intuitive, I know it was a legitimate dream. So, before I woke up on that ironically beautiful September day... I dreamed of something unusual than all other dreams. In my sleep I saw a black screen with several neon green circles- like that of a air traffic controller's monitor. On that screen I saw two green lines parallel to each other. Then at one point, one small neon green line started to come towards those two parallel lines. 

Now, I understand.

I wouldn't say that I am able to foretell of events but I somehow had that vision that night. It wasn't until quite sometime after 9/11 that I realized what I had dreamed about. And as I said earlier, it is not something I talk openly about but on that morning, I felt very strange. The oddness of the dream certainly contributed to me feeling groggy as I shoveled the cereal into my mouth.

Not long after I had been eating breakfast, Dad came into the kitchen and announced that one of the World Trade Centers had been hit by a plane. At the time I had no idea what the WTC was and assumed it was an accident. That is also what my mom had assumed too- we didn't realize until we saw the news that it was a passenger plane that had hit one of the buildings. 

We immediately turned on the news and were stunned with what we saw happening. I remember being so confused and not comprehending anything. It took me a little bit to realize that the country was being attacked. 

Somehow in the midst of watching the news I managed to get myself ready for the day. Much of the day is blurry but I remember that when I got to school I felt so alone. Everything was eerily quiet and there was a sense of panic. Not only did I feel uncomfortable for what I knew was happening in the world, but I still had the challenge of trying to find the right classroom! 

The whole day at school was spent discussing the attacks and watching the news. I remember being in my first class and hearing about one of the planes hitting a location in Washington. Of course at the time, and feeling so scared, I assumed it was Washington State. Someone kindly corrected me and said it was Washington D.C. I remember feeling so fearful and vulnerable. We all wondered: What is going to happen next?

Walking home from school that day felt strange and lonely. The roads were quiet, the sky was quiet, the birds even seemed hidden away... I remember walking much faster that day, anxious to get into the safety of my house. On my walk home two fighter jets flew over and thankfully, I knew they were US forces protecting the country. I said out loud, "thank you." I watched them fly far away...

~

The rest of that day I can't remember but I know I spent plenty of time watching the news, as it recounted the days' events- people running, yelling, screaming, planes crashing, fire, seeing the towers fall, tears, massive clouds of debris and dust, flags everywhere... 

As I have seen these images again today I look at them with a much differently than I did as a 14 year old teenager. Today I look at the faces of these people, these precious human beings, and it makes my heart break. I can't help but be choked up seeing these pictures of pain and even of those of healing. I am touched, too, when I see pictures of perfect strangers giving a hand to another in need. This is the consistent storyline in the 9/11 events - the day which all Americans united. It's sad that this day is what brought people together, but in some ways, the small idealistic part in me likes to think that we are always this way. We just tend to share it more in times of trial- and for this reason, this is why it is good for us to remember. Not to only remember those that have fallen and sacrificed, but to remember that we have each other. Sappy sounding but true. A reminder that the distance from one another isn't so far at all.

To conclude my little contribution, that is now part of this large tapestry of stories, it is only appropriate that I express my thankfulness. I mentioned earlier that so many individuals are still suffering today from this tragedy.  We have firefighters suffering from diseases (along with other heroes) and cancers, and then there are those that have selflessly sacrificed their lives overseas. So, I am saying thank you to all military servicemen and women, those that protect us in the US, and to their families who also have sacrificed so much. 

Our lives are forever changed and for thousands, incredibly so. Today we remember. Nunca olvidaremos. We will never forget.

--

Image

Remembering Papa on Father's Day

Today I have been thinking a lot about my (maternal) grandfather, Papa. He passed away in 2003- can't believe it has been 8 years since then. I miss him all of the time -- he was an amazing man and such a good role model. He was a hard worker, a teacher, a strong and gentle father/grandfather, compassionate, calm, had lots of thoughts, and held on tightly to his faith in God. So to honor him today, on Father's Day, I am going to post one of my favorite poems on here that reminds me of him (had to memorize this in the 8th grade and over the years it has become very dear to me). As my mom says, "He was a man among men."

If ~ Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:


If you can dream-- and not make dreams your master;
If you can think-- and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it in one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings-- nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run--
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And-- which is more--  you'll be a Man, my son!

Minnie PC

I forgot to write Part II of my post about Minnie... Since my post about her was so long I didn't want to include a picture in that one. I think it's important to have one though.

This picture is so special. Minnie had a blast during Christmas and enjoyed every moment. She was so fun! All of our cats have enjoyed Christmas. I'm so glad she was able to be here for one more holiday season. I will always cherish this picture because its the last one with Minnie, my sister and me. I'm very thankful we thought to take this!

It's amazing how looking at a picture you can immediately transfer yourself to that time. This is definitely one of those memories. I can feel myself sitting next to my sister, touching Minnie's fur and smiling at the camera. I remember it so well. Crazy how that is...

We always loved you Minnie and we will never forget you. You were a special kitty, my precious beach souvenir (we got her 13.5 years ago from Pacific City, hence the full name), and snuggle bunny. I hope you're happy and enjoying being with your furry sisters.

Minnie PC

1997-2011

The Paw Prints on my Heart

What we once have enjoyed we can never lose; all that we love deeply, becomes a part of us. --Helen Keller

I guess I have put off writing about this long enough. Subconsciously, it's been nice to not write because that way I don't have to accept the reality... But that's not a healthy way to live and writing is a good way to process my feelings.

So with that said, on January 10th we learned that Minnie's cancer was not treatable and that it had spread. Because of that news, we had to put her down that day. Since then I haven't felt like things have been the same since, which of course, they aren't.

I may seem melodramatic or overdoing this event that has happened in my life, but I don't feel that I am. After all, I lost a little friend that I have had in my life for 13 years. She's been there for me for everything-- such a precious creature in God's amazing creation.

~

On the morning of the 10th, I had that awful feeling. I just knew that would be her last day... I had been up most of the night crying with Mom and loving on her. We could tell she was very uncomfortable, as she made multiple trips out to the litter box but could not produce anything.

That morning when I got up, she came and snuggled next to me... and I just got hysterical. I kept saying, "Don't go... I don't want you to go..." My sister was still sleeping but heard me and came in to comfort me. I was pretty much grasping for air at that point since I was crying so hard.

I don't remember all the details in the morning, but I know I was getting ready for work at that time. What I do remember though is the few minutes before I had to leave. I held Minnie for the longest time and talked to her. I told her that I loved her enough to let her go- as it wasn't fair to keep her if she wasn't comfortable... Whenever I stand in that spot in my room I can vividly recall holding her and feeling the weight of her in my arms... and the feel of her silky fur... and the sound of her gentle purring. It always feels like it was just yesterday that she was here.

I remember being in the kitchen getting my stuff to go and looking at the clock at 9:25. Minnie was wandering around the kitchen-- she was looking out the sliding glass doors to the backyard; watching the birds and wildlife. I remember thinking "Enjoy this Minnie, this could be your last time to see all of this..." Then as I was leaving to go out the back door, she briefly came outside... and I looked at her, knowing those would be last few looks at her. And then I turned the corner and headed to my car, crying all the way to work.

A part of me really wanted to believe everything would be okay and that her cancer was treatable. But unfortunately, I couldn't fight my intuition.

I didn't talk to my boss about what was going on nor acted much different. I did feel like I was in a fog all day and felt physically exhausted. I remember watching the clock because Minnie was supposed to be at the vet at 1pm. As I was organizing cards and helping customers, I watched every minute tick by...

At one point I looked at the register and it said "14:23" (2:23) and all in that moment, I nearly had a full blown panic attack. I felt this sharp pain through my chest-- an achy sensation. Kind of hard to explain really.

Ironically, that was about the time Minnie was put to sleep. When I was done with work, I checked my phone and had a few missed calls. My mom was in California that day for a meeting so that was also weird. Anyway, she had a very sad voicemail for me saying she had to make that horrible decision and hoped I wasn't mad at her. I called her back before leaving the parking lot... and in that odd winter light, under that clear crisp sky and wispy clouds... my mom and I sobbed and sobbed, missing our precious furry tortie.

I got home and cried with my sister-- feeling surrounded by the dead silence in the house. Such an odd sense of quiet. A feeling of something missing.

Later that evening, we were able to go over to our neighbor's and watch the BCS game with them. It was so nice to be in a different environment and to be with good friends. I feel very thankful for them to let us come over.

Before bed, my aunt checked in on us to see if we needed a hug. She gladly came down to comfort us and let us cry. She had actually been at the vet with my sister, dad, and my sister's boyfriend when it was time to put Minnie down. My mom had requested that she would be there for them and to sort of be in our place (as Mom and I couldn't be there). I am so blessed to have such a loving aunt.

~

And that's how that day was... Not a good way to start out 2011. Certainly very unexpected. But so many people have felt that way too-- on the 8th there was that horrible shooting on Tuscon. No one expected that either.

There's no way to make sense about death and why it's the only answer sometimes.. or why it's the unexpected thief. What we can know for sure and what I cling to are the memories. It's not the same-- I want her here more than anything. I miss her every day... I'll keep her beautiful songs, trills and meows in my heart and carry her memory with me always.