An Accomplishment

Credit: Carolyn Cochrane via her Etsy shop

This week I had the opportunity to conquer something that has given me some anxiety. While it is not a big deal to some, it was and has been to me.

On Tuesday afternoon, my boyfriend had an appointment at a hospital on the other side of the city. Since he was also getting lab work done he had to fast for 12 hours. When I met him at work he said he was feeling okay but not great and we decided that it would be best if I drove. I had known this was potentially going to happen so I had been mentally preparing myself (and yes worrying haha).

I will say I was quite nervous, to the point of feeling like my mouth was full of cotton and I had a multitude butterflies in my tummy. I had no choice though. I knew I had to do get over some of these fears/anxieties:

-- fear of driving on big freeways/merging/lane changing
-- fear of driving with a male other than my father (years ago I drove with a critical male and I absolutely  hated it)
-- not only did I have to drive to these appointments but had to sit through them as well. So also my anxiety of hospitals/medical stuff had to be challenged as well.

Yeah silly sounding I am sure, but these things have weighed me down. We all have weaknesses, right?

In regards to driving, Brian was an excellent passenger and was calming (as he is for me in general). He was able to direct me how to do each part. I also tried my best to think about it like subbing "one chunk at a time." Luckily, I was familiar with the freeways from our trips this summer (all but one) but just had not done them myself before. The traffic wasn't too bad either on both ways so that greatly helped me to breathe a little bit. I was so relieved to get to the hospital and then to get back on our side of town!

His appointments weren't too bad either thankfully and I was able to manage fine. Brian really appreciated me being there for him and so I am glad I was able to give him some peace.

As for the whole experience, I was able to get through my anxieties and found that the driving wasn't so bad after all. I felt so relieved after it was over with -- now, I feel more confident. It's great to be able to tell myself that I can do things that I feel are difficult and am capable of overcoming. This year has really been teaching me how to break through the limits I have placed on myself.

Along with all of this I feel even closer to Brian. He has been very good for me and to me. Ever since we got together he has pushed me outside of my comfort zone (in healthy ways - we are fairly like minded individuals). He's helped me to grow in positive ways. I'm stronger because of him - not because I haven't been on my own but he has made me better. I'm so blessed and honored to be with him and cherish each day we're together.

It's been a good week so far. Hope all of you are getting stronger too by one step at a time or chunk. However you prefer. ;-)

Like an Anchor (Part II)

To continue on with this roller coaster ride....

Down -- June to July: Unfortunately, in between and during the time I went with Brian to Spokane, my young kitty was not doing so well. She started having some serious issues and we could not figure out what was wrong with her. They came on suddenly and were "fixed" for a brief amount of time. We took her to our vet and an emergency vet twice -- neither could pinpoint the issue. So that was very stressful and sad! (Also I must note that I was doing summer school in the month of June; very exhausting time)

Down-- July: A dear family member had to go out of town for job purposes and will be gone for awhile. :(

Down-- July 22nd: On this day my mom had to get surgery for a hernia. Crazy thing, she was exercising in the early morning and soon after did not feel good at all. Her abdomen swelled up and we knew that it was most likely a hernia. She contacted her doctor and in the afternoon we headed to go to see her. Her doctor quickly set up a surgery appointment with a hospital downtown and by evening, Mom was in surgery. While it was a fairly hectic day I didn't worry too much. I knew that the surgery was routine and felt confident Mom was in good hands. Thankfully all turned out okay and her body has healed fine. Whew. (and last year about the same time she broke her wrist while on a walk with co-workers haha)

Up -- August: Took girl cat to an internist and he found out the problem quickly! Yippie! He found that she has Inflammatory Bowel Disease and it is treatable. So lots of money later.... haha Guess her 'formal name' has real meaning now: Coco Chanel. We love her dearly and are thrilled she is a healthy cat! That was a huge relief as we were leaving for SoCal soon.

Up-- mid August: On the 11th to the 17th I went with my mom and sister to Southern California. We went first for a cousin's wedding and then stayed to go to Disneyland, a Hollywood tour and to Universal Studios. This was certainly not a restful vacation but it was very enjoyable.

My cousin's wedding was a blast (the above picture is from that day) and a beautiful experience. I was able to take lots of good wedding pictures and loved being out in a true Southern California setting, a summer day in Newport Beach/Bay. It was also so good to see him happy -- he has been through quite a bit over the years and it's great that he has found someone he is compatible with.

Disneyland & tours were super fun too! Believe it or not but as a 25.5 year old, I had never been to Disneyland before. As a kid I had no interest in going (yeah yeah.. have been told I was 3 going on 21) and still haven't been too interested, but am so glad I had the opportunity. On the first day Mom and I rode 5 rides (mind you, that stayed mostly horizontal, I do not like actual roller coasters or scary rides): a carousel, It's a Small World, Jungle Ride, Mark Twain boat ride and Pirates of the Caribbean. Each night that we were in Anaheim we watched the Disneyland fireworks. For two nights we were at the actual park and saw how epic they were and then the last 2 nights we watched from our hotel. Loved, loved, loved the fireworks!  Oh and I did get to see Princess Ariel. I wasn't able to get my picture with her but I sure tried. The lil girl in me was happy anyhow. :)

Hollywood tour was awesome! That was a very long tour but I got to see so much: Hollywood Walk of Fame, "Kodak" Theater, Hard Rock Cafe LA, freeway ramp where the famous scene from "Speed" was filmed, Hollywood sign (from a distance but good view), Farmers Market at the Grove (where I shopped at Zara!! A Duchess of Cambridge store!), Rodeo Drive, Venice Beach (just like PDX but with less laws haha), and Santa Monica/ Pier (where I got to finally eat Pinkberry Fro Yo). Big big day!

Universal Studios was alright. It was a super hot day and very very crowded. Yes, I am thankful I went but it was just one of those "I'd rather be in the pool" days. I did go on the tram which was pretty interesting and got to see "Wisteria Lane" from "Desperate Housewives." That was really neat! The rest of the time I waited for Mom and Sarah while they went on some rides. I hung out at the City Street Mall area, which had lots of good stores. Then after awhile I wondered around Universal-- that gave me the chance to see Mr. Beans car from his "Holiday" movie. Love Mr. Bean! On the last part of the day I did watch Mom and Sarah on the Jurassic Park ride -- saw them at the end where they dropped a fast 84 ft. That was funny!

On that Friday we three parted ways.... I was sad to not be with my sis anymore but was so glad she had spent the week with us.

Down: Shortly after the trip we learned that Granny had not been doing too well. During the trip she had fallen (thankfully didn't hurt herself seriously) and then she fell again at her house. She had about a week or so of not being 'right.' While she is 101 it was still disturbing to have any of these issues occur and there is probably going to be a change of her living situation in the near future....

Up and then super steep Down-- August 23rd: After feeling good about completing a 5k with my mom at a work race I was looking forward to a relaxing evening at home with my feet up. However, in the evening my dad called and he didn't sound right. He asked me if I could come over and bring him to our house because he was feeling very exhausted and weak. Immediately, I felt like something was wrong and asked him a bunch of questions-- my first guess was a heart attack. In all honesty, I have been concerned about his health for the past 5 years. While I haven't wished for anything bad to happen, I have felt like there has been the potential. Anyhow, I got myself ready and went to his apartment...meanwhile, Mom was on the other side of town getting us dinner. When I got to his place I instantly knew we had to get help but I wasn't totally sure what to do. What sold it for me was his droopy face on one side -- a stroke. He didn't have good balance, he slurred and he seemed 'off' cognitively. When I saw his face I literally yelled and was like "Dad!!! Your FACE! Can you FEEL your FACE?! Can you FEEL your ARMS?" I completely panicked (and when it counted!ha!). There was part of me that thought I was crazy and made it up, but my intuition was right. As fast as I could I got him into my car and we went to urgent care. Within like a minute of signing him in they saw him and soon got an ambulance. In hindsight, I probably should have called 911 but it all worked out. I got him help and that was the important part. Also, I know that God was watching out for everything and put the right people in place for the whole process. My friend who is an RN in the ER at the nearby hospital ended up being on his call. When Mom and I got to the ER I told her "Oh! Mom Joy works here!" and within a second of saying so she came out and whisked us away to dad's room. Such a blessing. Dad was int he hospital for two days and then stayed at our house for recovery. Thankfully he is doing much better but does have some noticeable changes. We are so lucky it wasn't any worse and hope that future strokes can be prevented.

Up-- August 25th & 26th: Brian's brother and SIL came to town with stuff from his mom's apartment. They took items to their sister's home and then came over to this part of town to deliver things for Brian. I hung out with all of them Saturday evening, which was a great way for me to relax some. Then on Sunday Brian, his brother, SIL and I spent most of the day together. It was so much fun being with them! I really love his family.

Up and then another steep Down -- September 6th: My family and I decided to go to the beach for a day and hang out with family members who were already there. The day started out awesome-- beautiful sunshine from here to the coast, easy/fast drive, lots of fun chatter on the way there and a wonderful morning talking with everyone. Then about mid morning we all wanted to go down to the beach and see what was going on. We sat on the beach for a little bit and then had fun putting our feet in the water. My aunt and Brian wanted to climb the cape so I went along with them. I really did not feel like going that day as the sand was hot and I was not prepared (it's a very steep climb)...but I figured oh well it's a gorgeous day and it will be worth it. Plus, Brian had never been on the cape. Anyway, we took some time getting up (except for my aunt she is in shape!) and I felt so-so... and when I got to the first ridge I felt winded. Brian felt that way too but 10x worse than me. After my aunt went down the hill, I noticed that Brian was getting worse and worse-- there was little color on in his face. Within a few seconds, he leaned back (fainting) and then his body started to convulse (and his eyes were open - absolutely terrifying to see). I started to yell for help and water -- now I was super super super panicked and freaking out. Thankfully there were amazingly helpful people on the cape and a God thing -- there was a medic and two nurses who came to his aid. The one gal tried to calm me down so I could call 911. I called them and help did come fairly quickly. They were able to get Brian off the hill, got fluids in him and then we rode an ambulance to a hospital. He was able to recover well and we weren't in the ER long. Mom and Dad picked us up from there and we went home... Oh what a day. I am just SO thankful he is okay. You just never know when the "fit" will hit the "shan."

Since that last drama everything has been fairly good.... Though recently Brian found out his dad hasn't been doing too well so we are hoping for the best. Ahh....

I recently went in and had a check up with my doctor. We had a good talk and she made a comment that will stick with me and I can draw upon it when I am feeling weak, "The beauty in all this is... it has happened outside of you... You have been like the anchor."

I hadn't thought of it like that and I honestly have never had be that way before. An anchor. I like that. I hope I never forget how strong I have had to be this summer. I also hope that there is a long road ahead of peace.

Ups, Downs and So Much Stronger

While I had high hopes for 2012 being a better year, it has basically been a continuation of the previous year. Since the very first day, this year has been challenging but also a wonderful learning experience. I feel incredibly grateful for the growth I have made in this year and even in the past few months. I have become stronger because of everything I have experienced. I will admit, I have had my fair share of anxiety and moments where all I could was try to cling to the present. I've learned that just because you have weakness doesn't mean you aren't capable of being strong. Your strength is known when you have no other choice but to be that way. On a daily basis it is easy to struggle but when you are put to the test that is when all is revealed. Maybe you've always been powerful -- you just didn't know it.

I don't think that finding ones strength has to necessarily come from the cost of a hardship on another. I think it these times just force us to find that deeply embedded inner courage. Further, as I believe: for every bad circumstance or heartache there is always something good.

[ I really hope I don't sound arrogant or melodramatic. I'm not trying to exaggerate either. I'm simply writing from my stream of subconscious and my heart. Trying to gather all the events that have happened in one place is like herding 10 cats! I have all of these different directions I can go and ways to organize my thoughts, so this is just how it is all coming out on here.... ]

So, back to what I was saying: yes, there have been quite a few downs this year but I have also experienced much joy. I feel a sense of peace with my friendships/relationships and particularly the romantic one I am in. While I feel mixed in saying so, it has been good to see the true colors and reality of other relationships/people. The goodness in that comes from knowing I have solid friendships/relationships in my life. I have also made several new friends that add happiness to my life. Cliche - maybe but oh so true: when one door closes, another one opens. I'd like to think it's the window that opens though.

As best I can, I will describe recent events that have led me to this point. My guess is I'll need to do a part 2 post. ;-)

Down/Mixed: After Mother's Day my boyfriend learned that his mom had pancreatic and liver cancer. We ended up going to Spokane to visit her 4 times throughout the summer -- we went every two weeks. Through this time I learned how to use my voice and to advocate for myself. Ironically, from all of this, my relationship with my mother started to heal and grow. While I wish the circumstances could have been different I am grateful for this change, as it has also helped me to be more confident in my commitment.

I experienced many emotions during this time. Frankly, it was quite overwhelming and hard to process what I felt. I had the anxiety of meeting Brian's family and friends for the first time, and all that came with watching someone decline by the day.

I'll never forget meeting Brian's mom -- I felt humbled and in awe. Each time I saw his mom (and each visit after the first she was worse off; I met her first in her apartment and then the last few visits were in a nursing home), I felt a deep sense of calm from her presence. She was such a peaceful, gentle, sweet, sincere and quick witted woman. Even on the last visit, I felt extremely calm and just couldn't take my eyes off of her. She was absolutely beautiful even in suffering. It's almost hard to describe how it felt to see her on that last visit but she was graceful even in her last breathing days on earth.

My relationship with Brian really was molded even further during this heart wrenching time.We grew together  as this time further intertwined our lives.

As part of our relationship becoming more solid, I learned a lot about Brian. I got to see how he managed his emotions and learn just how close he was to his family. Basically, I got to see him in context. I saw him vulnerable, strong, gentle, compassionate and resilient. I learned more about who he was in context of the people he loves and that have been a part of his life for years. I got to see some of his old stomping grounds -- his roots. I got to see the shades of his personality: the boy and the man. In his eyes, I saw the boy who looked up to his mom and needed her. However, I also saw the man who gave his mom so much peace and joy.

What I'll remember for years to come was simply the fact that I got to meet the woman who loved my man for the very first time.

She passed away on July 20th. The memorial service was on August 5th at the church she had been attending. The pastor summed up her life sweetly (almost these words): "Jan's life was a reflection. A reflection causes you to look at something. She looked at Jesus for guidance and strength.... because she looked towards Jesus her life mirrored Him." Oh so true. What a beautiful woman.

I'm so thankful I had the opportunity to spend so much time with Brian's family. We stayed with his brother and sister-in-law each time we visited. They were so generous in letting us stay in their home and were great to be around. In the evenings we would BBQ, sit outside and enjoy the night. It was fun when his sister was there too (she lives in the same area as us) because her 2 year old son would chase the cat around the yard and provide us with a lot of entertainment. I consider Brian's family my new friends -- they are people I admire and love. I loved seeing how they put meaning into the word family. While I did see them work together in a hard time, I could tell that they had a great love for each other that had been there for years. I felt incredibly touched to be able to observe them and to participate in everything.

Those weekends were difficult mentally, emotionally and physically. I was worn out during these times and it was totally worth it. This quote stuck with me during this time, "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I ended up where I needed to be."

I could talk at length about everything but I will let this be the conclusion of this 'event.' I'll do another blog post for the other ups and downs of this summer. On to Part II....

Little Bit of Sunshine

found via Pinterest from here

Though much of today was sleepy, gray and rainy there were little bits of happiness. Each day has its own joys of course and all are worth noting. Sometimes I just don't write the details of every day, I think that would a bit too repetitious.

Being that I woke from a bizarre dream that was a combination of "Avengers" and "Harry Potter" (which were super realistic and oddly mixed in with other events in my life) I am glad that the rest of the day was mostly regular. As I was coming to, I noticed a bunch of voices outside that probably had added to the last strange moments of my dream. Groggily, I looked out the window and saw it was the once-per-trimester, 1 hour "community service" high school group (doing SOLV) gathering to go trudge through the creek area behind my house.

In my brightly colored pajamas I scurried through the house hoping no one would see me from the front window, in attempts to find my big orange wussy cat. I didn't want him to be traumatized. Thankfully I found him resting in a flower pot by the house in the backyard.

Unfortunately I had to go back outside within a couple of minutes (yes in a bright red oversized shirt and light pink pants) and entice Cheese out of the flower pot. I had to get him inside because the yard workers arrived and I knew he would freak out. So, with a lot of encouragement and a bowl of food acting as a "carrot" I got the big boy inside the back room. He didn't complain once he was locked in the back-- but why would he when he had breakfast, a warm place to rest his head and a safe haven from the scary things outside?!

Oh yes, in case you're wondering I think I managed to not be seen by the high schoolers but who knows. I did hear an odd whistley noise before going inside. I will assume they were making sounds for fun or to attract birds. Surely they would not pay attention to the red haired, brightly dressed lady calling to "Cheese."

Anyhoo... Around 11 AM I met with one of my girl cousins at a delicious cafe. I devoured a tasty turkey and aged white cheddar sandwhich while having a nice conversation. Though I was partly distracted by the guy behind me bumping his chair next to mine because the tables were too close. At one point I glanced at some part of the cafe and realized chair guy had on Army camo. I was amused. Then that's what reminded me that my all too strange-realistic dream did not include Captain America. Shame.

I am a bit off track now but hanging out was lovely and my tummy was stuffed. I felt energetic afterwards and at peace with the grayness. Thanks cuz :-)

While at the cafe I missed a few phone calls: one from my boss and another for a great friend. My boss left me a message saying I wasn't needed this week for Monday and Wednesday (new schedule starts this week) due to low numbers of kids. So that gives me more time this week to get settled. I am appreciative of this change of plans.

When I got home I called my friend Andrea and helped her out with ideas for a paper. I got all excited for her topic and loved having an in-depth conversation on education topics that are near and dear to my heart. I'm glad that we share similar views on teaching. :)

So, my friends, it's the little things in life that make an ordinary day more colorful. That's probably a cliche but that's okay right?

Sunshine knows how navigate it's way through the raindrops. Hip hip hooray!

New Month, New Name

So, as you might have noticed, my blog is no longer "Cast and Catch." At some point in February, I got this huge desire to change my blog name but had no idea how to do so. While the name "Cast and Catch" served its purpose and was good, it felt vague and not as meaningful anymore (and hard to pronounce-- truthfully, sometimes I would forget which word would come first).

In the first part of this process, I came up with quite a few combinations and eventually decided against them (think the first one was Red Apple Highway). Then I started asking the help of my friends so I could get some feedback-- I didn't want to choose something silly sounding or that didn't represent ME.

After weeks and weeks of trying to figure out a name, I came up with several combinations:

Freckled Joy -- Joyfully Freckled
Freckled Delight -- Delightfully Freckled
Freckled Bliss -- Blissfully Freckled
Freckled Naturally -- Naturally Freckled
Sincerely Freckled
Freely Freckled

I sent an email out yesterday to some of my friends asking for their vote on the ones they liked along with an apology for bugging them for so long (thank you, you all are so special to me!!!!). They were all generous enough with their time to respond and give their opinions. It came down to Joyfully Freckled and Sincerely Freckled. Then one of my friends suggest I ask her aunt because she is good at problems solving (her aunt is also very artistic and talented). She suggested that I use the plural, freckles instead... and go with something like Freckles and _______ or _____ and Freckles. She made a good point that the word freckled gets caught in one's throat-- and why would I want people to choke on my blog name?!

Hm.... So there I was back to the drawing board again. Hemming and hawwwwwing. Lots of it. However, I was determined that on March 1st-- TODAY, I would have this crazy trivial dilemma figured out.

I got stuck on the word sincerely. I love how it sounds. I love what it means.

Like all wonderful thoughts, they happen in the most random of times and rather unexpectedly (ya know the kind where you're on the edge of falling to a deep sleep or driving somewhere). Well, my winning name occurred to me in the shower this morning. One of the greatest places to think. Today, the name just came to me and it was sweetly simple:

Sincerely Angela

As soon as I thought it, I had that happiness all over and was like "OF COURSE! That is ME." I will always be Angela and I am sincere. 

In this blog, I write about all kinds of topics and will continue to do so. I'm not defined by any particular thing and that's just who I am. I love hot days and cold nights- if I could choose my own climate I would have it be 80F in the day and 20F at night. I love blue and red. I polka dots and plaid. I believe in structure but freedom. I love Jesus but am not confined to any particular church or theology. I love fashion but I also believe in living simply. I love the snow in winter but the sunshine and warmth of summer. I love rainbows for their order and variety-- but I also love all the colors splattered on a canvas. I see the value in limits but also believe in a life without limits..... and so on.

Through all of this I have learned that I was made to love and appreciate opposites, but to find my place somewhere along the middle. I am learning how to do that, while embracing life's many treasures. 

Perhaps this is all due to me turning 25 years old. Maybe I am going through a "quarter-life crisis," or I am simply trying to figure out who I am in this wonderfully made world. Whatever it is, I will always hold true to being.....

Sincerely Angela

Welcome to my newly named blog :) 

Grow

I love the synonyms for the word grow: develop, multiply, swell, enlarge, expand, extend, raise, cultivate, produce....

This word describes what has been happening within me over the recent months. I have grown in several ways and am feeling a sense of clarity in the process. I'm starting to feel a little more settled into myself, which feels so good and I hope to continue this way. 

As I don't have much time to write (as we are packing and leaving for Costa Rica tonight!), I will list out some of these great changes and experiences:

Growth in Appreciation: On July 31st, we had a big family party for Granny turning 100 years old. I feel so incredibly blessed to have this lady in my life- she is a role model, and as everyone says an inspiration (almost every card she got said that word). At the party, it was wonderful to be with family members near and far and to be with family friends, and others who knew Granny from some social group or another. I enjoyed talking with friends of Granny because they often said how she influenced them or touched their lives; really makes me appreciate this stunning lady. This party reminded me of how important it is to extend oneself to others. Granny is always about others first, something I want to be better at. After the big party, there was a fun family picnic that allowed us all to relax, play games, and enjoy each other's company. 

On August 1st, 2011, Granny officially turned 100. So amazing :) I think I found out one of Granny's "secrets to longevity" this past weekend... My cousin had some questions from her students to ask Granny and one of them was about stress management. Granny had this to say, "I think I've had an easy life compared to people who live [location where she does]...I've had food, clothes etc..." Then she proceeded to say, "No sense in worrying because things will happen the way they should!" and "Do the best you can, hope for the best." Now, those are words of wisdom.

Growth in Commitment: Yes, that is the big 'C' word! haha This is something that I have fought with for a long, long, long time until recently. I won't give many details, but I will say that I am dating someone and have been for a good part of this year. He came into my life unexpectedly, somewhat ironically, and yet all at the right time. Sometimes life doesn't give you what you want, but exactly what you NEED. It took quite a few conversations with my cousins and a close friend to get me to see that blessing. I feel grateful for their perspectives and not allowing me to run away. This is a very good change and I feel whole. That's the best way to put it... And best of all, my heart feels at home.

Growth in Education: This summer I took 3 courses and finished them within a month and a half (yes, that is why I was absent in blogging for most of July...not that anyone notices... haha). I took two online classes for my ESOL endorsement- policy and literacy. The other class was a general educational technology course. Anyway, I actually felt challenged in my thinking about ESL education, in the policy course. We had to read a few chapters per discussion question out of this book called, Advocating for English Learners: Selected Essays (2008) by James Crawford (yes and I actually had to read- could not get by with scanning!). The book strongly advocates for bilingual education and English Plus. English Plus promotes proficiency in English and opportunities for everyone to learn other languages. Until reading this book, I hadn't given much thought to the type of education that ELLs receive and even how they are treated in our country. I mean, I've had some knowledge but not really thought about it. I've had many of my misconceptions cleared up and am now more understanding of these learners. Think this line sums it up, "While language learned in the classroom is valued in this country, a language learned learned by growing up in a minority community is likely to be considered a liability, not an asset" (p. 122).

Growth in Traveling Experiences: I could put 'growth in understanding cultures' too. This is very much connected with my ESOL courses... As I have mentioned a few times, Mom and I traveling to Costa Rica with our family friend. We are so excited to visit her country! I am a little nervous as my Spanish is horrendous, I have lost so much vocabulary since high school. However, I am sure it will be okay. I will know how it feels for my future ELL students, which will be incredibly valuable. I am excited too, to see the culture of Costa Rica. Since we will be traveling with our friend we will be very much immersed in it. I have a greater sense of what culture is - there is so much depth, way beyond the usual: clothing, holiday celebrations etc... 

Well, that is all I have time to write about now, but I think this describes some good things going on in my life. I probably will not be able to write on here until I return. So I will be taking notes of things to share! 

Hasta luego!