Bittersweet Day

Credit: Darren Rowse found via Pinterest

Well, January 1st has arrived, which as expected, brought about a variety of mixed emotions.

Today was the start of a brand new year, the last day of my sister's husband being here for awhile, the day after the glorious wedding celebration, a reminder of last year's sadness in January, knowing that this coming year will have some difficult transitions, and the end of the joyous Christmas season (undecorating day). Lots of emotions for sure, kind of hard to process it all.

Mom and I spent the day taking down the Christmas decorations and cleaning the house. This is the traditional day to do all that and it worked out well since Sarah was off on her honeymoon with D. She is the ultimate Christmas girl! As far as she is concerned, every day could be Christmas. 

Sarah's love of Christmas made taking down the tree a bit more challenging for us this year, however. In a few months she will be moving to be with her husband, so that meant sorting out her ornaments so they could be easily boxed up. Kind of amazing to be at this point in our lives already. My lil sister is a grown woman now and will be flying out of the nest soon...

As I said, lots of mixed emotions today. I am glad that Mom and I were just at home and focused on getting things organized and cleaned up. It has been such a whirlwind in these past two weeks, that the house has been neglected. Also, it was just time to take things down and get ready for January. Keeping busy like this helped my brain to process some of what I was feeling-- liked being productive too.

Like other years, we put up our fun blue, white and silver January decorations. This month is always hard being that it is after the holidays, so we make sure to put up some decor to brighten the mood of the house. We enjoy having the mantel with stringed lights and candles around the house. Having a little extra light in the house make a difference, especially on those dark and dreary days.

This evening arrived rapidly, goodbyes always come so fast. Dad, Mom, and I drove out to the airport to meet D and Sarah. We went with D to check in his bags and after he checked in he told us to come over to the counter. The airline gave us passes to go with D to his gate, which was so wonderful. Any extra time with him is important, particularly for Sarah. Kind of crazy to get married and then have your husband depart the next day!

We all waited at the gate for at least 30 minutes and soaked up our time together. It was hard watching Sarah and D. This is how life will be though, for the next 5-8 years. With D in the military, there will be many happy and then sad memories right next door to each other. Much of life will be bittersweet. Today is just one of many that they will share, as well as for us too. I can't tell you how much I already miss my new brother-in-law. 

Close to 8 o'clock, D boarded the plane for his first class seat (yes, US Airways rock- they give soldiers first class seats provided there is space). We moved over to the big glass windows and watched the rest of the passengers get on the plane. I sat there in disbelief at how fast it all happened... Seems like the 15th was here not all that long ago. 

As we watched his plane taxi to the runway, a worker right outside the window pointed towards the opposite side of the terminal. He was telling us to go to the other side so that we could watch the plane take off. We weren't totally sure which windows he meant, but we walked in that direction. This kind gentleman got into the building quickly and came over to us telling us exactly where we needed to be looking. He told us the direction of where the plane was taking off, and to put our hands on the window to block out the ceiling lights.  He said, with a Spanish accent, "I came here because it was important to you." I told him my sister got married to her soldier, and that this meant a lot to us to watch him leave. I feel incredibly touched by that man.  I wouldn't really describe it as a "guardian angel" type moment, but in a way it was like that (yeah confusing I know it). Maybe the best way to describe it is someone "paying it forward" without realizing it. I feel like I owe that generosity to another fellow human being.

A bittersweet day for sure but also a reminder of the goodness of others. I feel better about 2012 than I did going into 2011. On the previous New Years Eve, I had a sense that the year was going to be interesting. This year I am expecting certain changes, but I feel like there might be some better days. I do have hope for 2012 and I think that is a pretty good start.

Like I said in my wedding toast, here's to moments filled with joy and strength in the challenging times.

Peace to all of you!

The month that always surprises me with its arrival

"Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each." -- Henry David Thoreau

Hazy days are always a sign...

It is September 1st, 2011. Yes, not rocket science there but hear me out: 95% of the time throughout my life it has surprised me when this month rolls around. There was only one summer to fall transition that I eagerly waited waited for September (that is a story in itself, which I am considering telling one day). 

Of all those other times that I have been caught off guard or in just plain denial, I have grieved over summer departing. Some years it has been worse and others I have managed to go through the transition smoothly. This year, I do have a little ache but mainly because it really hasn't felt like summer. I was gone for two weeks, where oh yes, I did experience heat and sunshine. While I did thoroughly enjoy some of those experiences, it doesn't replace the feeling of summer at home.

Now the light is changing in the sky. Earth is tilting and turning away from that glorious sol...That part does make my heart ache, I have such separation anxiety with that golden delight. This year I am holding on to the fact that the calendar says summer lasts until the 23rd. So I have hope! (Side note- soon we will be having 90 degree weather for a few days so one last hurrah!)

While much of my denial of September is directed at the change of weather, there is much anxiety that comes with this new month. In Oregon and much of the nation, public schools start after Labor Day. There is that sense of the unknown and responsibility that can weigh heavy on one's heart. Newness can be a scary thing at first - like those good ol' elementary days. So many nerve-wracking first days of school!

These days September is a reminder that a long 9-month season is ahead. That means substituting, papers, practicums, college course reading, and various responsibilities. So some of that ache in my heart is just the feeling of losing a bit of freedom. Though ironically, I gain freedom in another way: financial. I wouldn't say that money wins in this case, but simply to say: everything comes with its own set of challenges...

On another note- this month is incredibly emotional for so many people in the United States and in the world. Hard to believe that on the 11th, it will be 10 years since those horrific terrorist attacks.

With all that said, those are my thoughts for the first day of September... Hope all of you are smoothly transitioning into this next part of the year. :)

P.S. I am sure that this blog title is my longest! haha

On a happier note...

I feel like I have a ton of blog posting to catch up. Lots of things have happened in the past few months and I have plenty of thoughts bumbling around in my head. I'm feeling a lot more upbeat these days-- I feel Spring in the air and it's great. :)

Sort of a funny post to put next to the ones about Minnie (not really how I wanted to do it but oh well, that's what I get for waiting so long to write!).... We have a new furry friend in our house.

After allowing ourselves time to deal with Minnie's passing, we decided we were ready for another cat. I guess that's how it happened anyway. We knew at some point we wanted another cat, but weren't sure when. There's a wonderful pet adoption place nearby and we visited it a few times in the end of January to February. In the few times we visited, we were just checking out the place, not really sure about a cat yet. We were also frequent visitors on their website.

My sister finished reading Dewey in early February and became focused on having an orange cat. I honestly had no idea what kind of cat I wanted next. I just knew we couldn't get another tortoise. She finally came across one orange tabby cat and had to see him in person. About the second week in February we visited the orange tabby boy cat. A few days later, on February 21st (President's Day) he was our boy!

Meet Cheese Puff! Our 16 pound orange tabby. :) He has lost some weight now because he's on a diet... haha His name at the adoption place was Cheese Puff and we thought it was appropriate and kept it. He's a great furry friend to have around the house. We've never had a boy cat before so it's pretty different. He also looks totally different than our other kitties. He's got a great personality!

Picture of him on his first day of his new home. Lots to love!

Checking out the house for the first time (Feb 22nd)... Hey Mr. Good Lookin'!

He doesn't usually get into this position because he's a rather large boy. I guess because he was on Mom's pants it called for a special type of sitting.

The Paw Prints on my Heart

What we once have enjoyed we can never lose; all that we love deeply, becomes a part of us. --Helen Keller

I guess I have put off writing about this long enough. Subconsciously, it's been nice to not write because that way I don't have to accept the reality... But that's not a healthy way to live and writing is a good way to process my feelings.

So with that said, on January 10th we learned that Minnie's cancer was not treatable and that it had spread. Because of that news, we had to put her down that day. Since then I haven't felt like things have been the same since, which of course, they aren't.

I may seem melodramatic or overdoing this event that has happened in my life, but I don't feel that I am. After all, I lost a little friend that I have had in my life for 13 years. She's been there for me for everything-- such a precious creature in God's amazing creation.

~

On the morning of the 10th, I had that awful feeling. I just knew that would be her last day... I had been up most of the night crying with Mom and loving on her. We could tell she was very uncomfortable, as she made multiple trips out to the litter box but could not produce anything.

That morning when I got up, she came and snuggled next to me... and I just got hysterical. I kept saying, "Don't go... I don't want you to go..." My sister was still sleeping but heard me and came in to comfort me. I was pretty much grasping for air at that point since I was crying so hard.

I don't remember all the details in the morning, but I know I was getting ready for work at that time. What I do remember though is the few minutes before I had to leave. I held Minnie for the longest time and talked to her. I told her that I loved her enough to let her go- as it wasn't fair to keep her if she wasn't comfortable... Whenever I stand in that spot in my room I can vividly recall holding her and feeling the weight of her in my arms... and the feel of her silky fur... and the sound of her gentle purring. It always feels like it was just yesterday that she was here.

I remember being in the kitchen getting my stuff to go and looking at the clock at 9:25. Minnie was wandering around the kitchen-- she was looking out the sliding glass doors to the backyard; watching the birds and wildlife. I remember thinking "Enjoy this Minnie, this could be your last time to see all of this..." Then as I was leaving to go out the back door, she briefly came outside... and I looked at her, knowing those would be last few looks at her. And then I turned the corner and headed to my car, crying all the way to work.

A part of me really wanted to believe everything would be okay and that her cancer was treatable. But unfortunately, I couldn't fight my intuition.

I didn't talk to my boss about what was going on nor acted much different. I did feel like I was in a fog all day and felt physically exhausted. I remember watching the clock because Minnie was supposed to be at the vet at 1pm. As I was organizing cards and helping customers, I watched every minute tick by...

At one point I looked at the register and it said "14:23" (2:23) and all in that moment, I nearly had a full blown panic attack. I felt this sharp pain through my chest-- an achy sensation. Kind of hard to explain really.

Ironically, that was about the time Minnie was put to sleep. When I was done with work, I checked my phone and had a few missed calls. My mom was in California that day for a meeting so that was also weird. Anyway, she had a very sad voicemail for me saying she had to make that horrible decision and hoped I wasn't mad at her. I called her back before leaving the parking lot... and in that odd winter light, under that clear crisp sky and wispy clouds... my mom and I sobbed and sobbed, missing our precious furry tortie.

I got home and cried with my sister-- feeling surrounded by the dead silence in the house. Such an odd sense of quiet. A feeling of something missing.

Later that evening, we were able to go over to our neighbor's and watch the BCS game with them. It was so nice to be in a different environment and to be with good friends. I feel very thankful for them to let us come over.

Before bed, my aunt checked in on us to see if we needed a hug. She gladly came down to comfort us and let us cry. She had actually been at the vet with my sister, dad, and my sister's boyfriend when it was time to put Minnie down. My mom had requested that she would be there for them and to sort of be in our place (as Mom and I couldn't be there). I am so blessed to have such a loving aunt.

~

And that's how that day was... Not a good way to start out 2011. Certainly very unexpected. But so many people have felt that way too-- on the 8th there was that horrible shooting on Tuscon. No one expected that either.

There's no way to make sense about death and why it's the only answer sometimes.. or why it's the unexpected thief. What we can know for sure and what I cling to are the memories. It's not the same-- I want her here more than anything. I miss her every day... I'll keep her beautiful songs, trills and meows in my heart and carry her memory with me always.

Hello 2011

Today is 1/1/11.

That's pretty fun to write :) Ahh... a New Year. Happy to say that today was a good one for starting of this new book, 2011. Overall, it was relaxing, somewhat productive and fairly uneventful.

The only downside to today was taking down the Christmas decorations. Before I got myself out bed, Mom had already started removing the wall decor. Once I had my breakfast, I joined her in taking down our mantel/fireplace decorations, nativity scene, and the ornaments. Mom hauled the empty tree out outside and then we were left with a very open living room. Always feels so strange to remove the tree.. It's always hard to adjust to not having the glow of the lights and all the fun festive decorations around. But before we know it, Christmas will be here again soon...

After undecorating the house, Mom and I got some of our January decorations out. For the past few years we have decorated with navy blue, silver and white colors. On our fireplace mantel we put a navy blue sash with some wintry decor and a string of white lights mixed in it as well. We also enjoy decorating with a variety of candles-- having some light in the house during the dreary Winter months.

To get a break from all the decorating and undecorating Mom and I dropped some items off at my cousin's house. We enjoyed chatting with her and her husband. I hadn't seen their home since they moved into it a couple of months ago. Not only was it great to see it all Christmasy but I got to see the changes they've made. Makes me excited to have my own place someday-- so many cool things you can do with a home.

Once our visiting was over, Mom and I did a little "mouse housing." We were on the hunt for wintry decorations, but didn't come across any. On our outing we did manage to stop into Starbucks, which was quite lovely :)

We came home and putzed around some more and then eventually went up the street to visit my aunt, uncle, and my Granny (who is staying at their place for a few days). Mom and I stayed for awhile and had a good time chatting with them. We particularly enjoyed observing my aunt make a delicious split pea soup. At one point she invited us to just stay over and join them in eating it! Let me tell you: wow! That was a wonderful soup-- tasty and all natural. Perfect for a cold day. After finishing my bowl of soup, my aunt asked me if I would like another serving... I said "of course, if you're offering!" She got a laugh out of that. I figured, hey, it's good if the "students" (Mom & I) are familiar with the taste of the soup before making it on their own. ;-)

We got back home not too long ago and parked ourselves on the couch. Ahhh... good start to 2011. Hope that you all had a wonderful start to the New Year!

A Letter to 2010

We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day. ~Edith Lovejoy Pierce

It's a little distracting to write this evening, but I felt like I ought to bid 2010 adieu in proper blogger form. Oh... what a year it has been! And boy did it fly by so quickly. Lots of changes, new experiences, intrapersonal growth, interpersonal discoveries, new understandings of God's Word, challenges, goodbyes, victories, and all sorts of fun.

I'm going to write a little letter to this year-- yes it isn't a person, nor a tangible thing.. but sometimes personalization is good. It's the grown up form of "pretend." :) Tonight its purpose is not only just for the heck of it but also as a way to create closure and allow for a fresh beginning...
~
Two thousand and ten, my friend, you've been alright. You could have been better but I won't complain-- I enjoyed all your seasons... the crisp cool Winter months, the beautiful Spring flowers, delightful warm Summer days, and the vivid Fall colors... yes you were a pretty one.

I loved those days of being immersed in the nature. I thoroughly enjoyed running through the rain, feeling the sun beat on my back, and breathing it all in. I loved those quiet moments of being outside. Just me, God and His perfect creation. Two thousand and ten, you had some wondrous quiet moments.

When possible, I also loved taking pictures of your colors. God made you a beauty. No doubt about that!

Yes, you were good yet I think you were truly the epitome of "tough love." The lessons I learned through you were not always pleasant but they surely had their benefits. As we circled around the earth, one day at a time, I gradually found my voice and finally discovered more of my individuality. Fighting through the battles of anxiety... I made it. A breakthrough that seemed so impossible years ago. It's been a long journey, through many ups and downs, but I finally made it... without drugs or superficial forms of help... I conquered that part of myself naturally and through many many hours of hard work. Sweet victory. Only by God's grace was I ever able to get this far-- He allowed me to never give up.

Because of that, I can finally stand on my own two feet.

Two thousand and ten, you were an ironic one at that. In your year, I witnessed one of my dearest role models recover from falling twice. She refused to give up though the road to being strong again seemed so out of reach. It would have been easy to let go of the strings of life, but she didn't. Though she couldn't physically stand on her two feet, her spirit could. God gave her the strength she needed to keep moving on. I am so grateful.

Dearest two thousand and ten, you taught me a lot in so many areas of life... and you also had some good changes. I discovered the joys of networking and substituting. I was surprised with how much I liked substituting. I loved how it helped me smooth the rough edges in my teaching. Not only that but I realized from substituting how much I am meant for teaching-- that's what I'm meant to do.

In addition, this year I finally chose a grad school and started it in August. That same month I unexpectedly got a part-time job at a lovely little store... all from walking in with my mom and saying "it must be fun to work here!" This retail job couldn't have come at a better time-- I was so worried and stressed at that point. I thought the springs were going to dry up, but thankfully, God did not allow them to. Instead they were filled to more than what I needed. Everything was okay and peaceful...

Oh year, you were something. You really were. You had great big moments and wonderful little ones as well. For all those times, good and bad... and somewhere in between, I am so blessed. I'm thankful for the sadness, anger, laughter, tears, cheers, and all the other emotions I experienced. Sometimes exhausting and sometimes uplifting. It was all worth it.

A favorite time of the year was without a doubt the football season. I will never forget the feeling of winning over the tyrant, the Crusaders. What a wonderfully perfect night. The victory was amazing but what I will remember the most was the oneness with the team and the supporting crowd. We were one- it didn't matter who was there, as long as they were there to cheer on the Warriors. And at the end we all met on the field where the win happened. All of us together.

The sentiment was the same at the best game ever, the state championship game: the Warriors versus the Timberwolves. I didn't care who I sat next to-- it didn't matter...the only thing that did matter was that I was sitting next to a fellow Warrior fan. We were all in that game together-- a true community. Particularly in that game, I won't forget how focused the team was and the crowd's enthusiasm. I knew from the moment I got to my seat that we could totally win. And from the first play I could sense it: focus. We weren't going to lose to the Wolves twice... no, this was our title.. This was our time. And so it was. I would go back to that day any day.

The only thing is if I went back to that day I would have to experience the feeling of bittersweet. One part of that day I won't forget is the sweetness and sadness. The state game was the last game for the senior football players. Such a grand way to leave the season-- a mark that will be forever in the school's history. However, it is also the end of a glorious era.. those boys will never play together again. All those years, from youth football to then... all those years of being together are over. Bittersweet. If I had to go back to that day, which I would, I would have to feel that little ache in my heart for all those boys. I know that bittersweet feeling all too well... the happiness of accomplishment and the pain of it being all over....

Oh, two thousand and ten, it is good to look back on all that we've experienced together.

I'm so glad for the times with my family and friends. For the random people that have crossed through my life. For that hand I held. For all those hugs and smiles throughout the year. For all those firsts and lasts...

Two thousand and ten, I know I could write about you for quite awhile. After all, we've been through 365 days... Twelve months. January 1st to December 31st. We are coming to an end. Only a few more hours left.

From sunrise to sunset, you were good.

Now to move on and to prepare the way for a brand new year. My new friend, Two thousand and eleven.

Thank you again, two thousand and ten for all that you taught me. I've learned lessons in humility, patience, and perseverance. I will never forget you and will carry your memories in my heart.

Welcome two thousand and eleven, welcome... I am ready to start fresh.
~
Blessings to all of you. I pray that this New Year brings you joyful times and strength in the difficult ones. :) Cheers!