An Accomplishment

Credit: Carolyn Cochrane via her Etsy shop

This week I had the opportunity to conquer something that has given me some anxiety. While it is not a big deal to some, it was and has been to me.

On Tuesday afternoon, my boyfriend had an appointment at a hospital on the other side of the city. Since he was also getting lab work done he had to fast for 12 hours. When I met him at work he said he was feeling okay but not great and we decided that it would be best if I drove. I had known this was potentially going to happen so I had been mentally preparing myself (and yes worrying haha).

I will say I was quite nervous, to the point of feeling like my mouth was full of cotton and I had a multitude butterflies in my tummy. I had no choice though. I knew I had to do get over some of these fears/anxieties:

-- fear of driving on big freeways/merging/lane changing
-- fear of driving with a male other than my father (years ago I drove with a critical male and I absolutely  hated it)
-- not only did I have to drive to these appointments but had to sit through them as well. So also my anxiety of hospitals/medical stuff had to be challenged as well.

Yeah silly sounding I am sure, but these things have weighed me down. We all have weaknesses, right?

In regards to driving, Brian was an excellent passenger and was calming (as he is for me in general). He was able to direct me how to do each part. I also tried my best to think about it like subbing "one chunk at a time." Luckily, I was familiar with the freeways from our trips this summer (all but one) but just had not done them myself before. The traffic wasn't too bad either on both ways so that greatly helped me to breathe a little bit. I was so relieved to get to the hospital and then to get back on our side of town!

His appointments weren't too bad either thankfully and I was able to manage fine. Brian really appreciated me being there for him and so I am glad I was able to give him some peace.

As for the whole experience, I was able to get through my anxieties and found that the driving wasn't so bad after all. I felt so relieved after it was over with -- now, I feel more confident. It's great to be able to tell myself that I can do things that I feel are difficult and am capable of overcoming. This year has really been teaching me how to break through the limits I have placed on myself.

Along with all of this I feel even closer to Brian. He has been very good for me and to me. Ever since we got together he has pushed me outside of my comfort zone (in healthy ways - we are fairly like minded individuals). He's helped me to grow in positive ways. I'm stronger because of him - not because I haven't been on my own but he has made me better. I'm so blessed and honored to be with him and cherish each day we're together.

It's been a good week so far. Hope all of you are getting stronger too by one step at a time or chunk. However you prefer. ;-)

Mid-Year Check Point on 2012 Goals

Technically, I should have done this post on June 1st as that was really the mid-year check point.... but technicalities aside, this works. I had to laugh when I saw that Bonnie at Going Home to Roost was thinking the same thing (this link will take you to her post). She posted her mid-point check recently and it was fun to see her progress. I feel like I have been doing fairly well in some areas and need to worker harder in others.

:: Goals for this year ::

1. Faith : Spend time reading the Bible and attend a few church services. -- I was fairly good at reading the Bible for 40 days of Lent but haven't done a good job of continuing that lately. 


2. Finances: Be mindful of money that is spent; be careful not to spend lots of money on little things that add up. Save as much as possible! -- There have been lots of unplanned expenses lately and I think I would do better if I wrote down everything. 

3. Giving: Donate to causes/ charities during the year. -- I need to get on this one! I would like to donate to Dinner & A Movie, CAT (Cat Adoption Team - where I got my one kitty), a charity for soldiers/veterans and maybe one or two others. 

4. Personal Style (somewhat funny to list this after the above goals, I know): Improve my wardrobe while being reasonable financially and sensible based on weather patterns in the PNW. If choosing to buy clothes, I will do so thoughtfully. -- Doing much better on this and I have been creative using new items with clothes I already have. Keep it up!

5. Health and Fitness: Try a variety of healthy foods and recipes. Make physical activity more of a priority- find some activity to enjoy consistently. -- Actually, on the food part, I am doing very well. I still have a bad bad habit of not eating lunch too often but I am trying. I also recently signed up for Zumba again and have that class tonight! I am looking forward to it!

6. Literacy: Read more than I did last year! (won't be hard lol) I have a giant stack of books on my nightstand. -- Now that school has settled down I can do this more. I just don't have the interest in reading much when I have school work. Unfortunately, that's just how my brain works! I've got a giant stack of good books on my nightstand and I'll be digging into them.

~

Big challenge of the year (and really my life): Seek the goodness in commitment. Learn how to make commitment positive, try to be less fearful of the word and its meaning. Try committing to something - even if it is small. Just try. -- Ironically, this is the one goal where I have made the most progress! While I am a bit 'gray scaled' on the others, I feel I have made leaps and bounds in meeting this goal. Being that it is a difficult one for me, it feels great to have grown so much. I have decided to fully enjoy my relationship with Brian. We have a wonderful relationship and it feels so good to now have our family be a part of it; I think that has helped me to be less fearful of commitment. I think if a relationship is healthy it should be shared with those you love and should include people most important to you. There is nothing better than having the support of those you love, support the one you love! Oh goodness, I sound mushy... haha Forgive me ;-) I just feel very happy and relieved in so many ways. 


How are your goals coming along? Where do you need to improve or continue good work? 

Breaking the Silence with Life Updates

There's been a good reason for my silence on here for the past few weeks. I've had to make some challenging decisions and have had some interesting experiences as a result. There's still quite a bit of thoughts swirling in my mind, but I feel relieved in many ways too. With discretion, I will try to explain what has happened. I am just going to bullet point things because a list will keep my thoughts more concise. I apologize for this being a little choppy but it is what it is ;-)

• Approximately two weeks ago, my boyfriend, B (Brian) found out that his mom has stage 4 pancreatic and liver cancer. She was given 4-6 months to live and several treatment options. His family is from Spokane so that meant a long drive for us and that I would be gone from home for a weekend. It's a long story but it meant that I had to confront my mother and tell her of my plans. Prior to this she had not met B (as I say long story) but I was honest in my feelings about needing to go with him, and was very upset about everything. Amazingly enough, communication with my mom was not shut off and she seemed understanding of why I had to go. 

• Guess this is Part II? B and I went to Spokane on the 1st and returned on the 3rd. We arrived late to his brother and sister-in-laws house Friday evening, and then had a very busy Saturday. 

• Saturday looked like this: Breakfast with his dad and his dad's lady friend, afternoon with his mom, then met a family that are his friends, and then had dinner with a lovely couple, then.... the evening ended with daiquiris on his brother & sister-in-laws' deck. Let me tell you, I was exhausted!

• I'm so thankful I had the opportunity to meet his mom -- she is an extraordinary woman and I have so much respect for her. God willing, I will see her again soon. We're planning to go back in a few weeks.

• On Sunday we had dinner with his brother, SIL and dad then left town by 8AM. The drive home seemed much faster than going. Roadtrips are that way though, you have more anticipation to the place you haven't gone before. I thoroughly enjoyed myself - my family and I have done several big trips so being the car for a long time didn't bother me. I liked being with him and seeing a change of scenery.

• My sister and brother-in-law also came home that weekend and I was worried that I wouldn't see them. Thankfully B and I got back early enough on Sunday and I got spend time with them. It was also my BIL's birthday so that was fun to celebrate.

• Going to Spokane was incredibly beneficial to my relationship with B. I would say it was a turning point for us. I feel much more connected to B and see him in context now. He has a great family and I am excited to get to know them better.

• Making this choice to do what I felt was right -- going on the trip -- was a big step for me and it positively helped my relationship with my mother as well.  I felt empowered for making that choice and I feel like there is a healthy distance with my mom now. Perhaps it just took her a long time to digest my independence. All I know is that FINALLY I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Hip hip hooray!

Which has led to the most recent glorious event in my life....

• On Sunday, after planting our garden (I will write a special post on that!), Mom and I met up with B at Mongolian Grill. They FINALLY met! Overall, the conversation was good and Mom seemed pleased. B was also awesome in paying for dinner so that earned him some golden stars ;-) I am SO relieved that they have met and that these "walls" have come down. I feel like I can celebrate my relationship and really make B apart of my life. Such a good feeling... and I can repeat: FINALLY!

We've Come a Long Way

"Growth means change and change involves risk, stepping from the known to the unknown." -- Anonymous

Found via Pinterest on "Wake Up in France"

I knew this day was coming for the past few weeks and have had mixed feelings. Since the school year began, I have been working at the tutoring center Tuesday and Thursday evenings. I teach children of different ages, most of the time I instruct reading but also do some math. I really enjoy working with children in such an individual way and love being able to get to know them.

In January I started working with a middles school girl every Tuesday and Thursday. I didn't add up the hours tonight but I am sure that was about 75 +. We spent lots and lots of time together working on the craft of writing. She has lots of great ideas but struggles to get them on paper in an organized manner. She's smart, talented and extremely creative. With all these wonderful things to say about her, I have to tell you-- I didn't feel this way in the beginning. Sure, I knew my role was to help her improve her writing skills and to push her along. However, I didn't realize that we were in for a journey and that we would arrive at this point.

The first few hours I worked with this girl were some of the most frustrating moments I have had since student teaching. She had a poor attitude, did not want to be at the tutoring center, and frankly, could have cared less about me. She refused to do the assignments and preferred to read her dark humored descriptive anime comic books. Some nights she would muster up the "strength" to get one spelling page done and maybe scritch down a few words on the assigned essay. There were evenings she came in super depressed and would completely shut down. I found myself unsure of what to do and allowed her to throw her fits. I did everything I could to encourage her but I wasn't going to continue to fall into the power struggle. I felt defeated. I'm an elementary teacher! I had no idea what to do with a middle schooler! I had anxiety and low motivation to tutor during that time. Needless to say, the beginning hours were awful and I kept hoping she would not always be at my table.

The schedule did not change.

She kept being at my table and all I could do was learn to go with the flow. I learned to deal with her moods, which was much like dealing with typical Oregon weather. Unpredictable. So, I did the best I could in approaching her each evening.

Somewhere in the middle of all this she decided I wasn't so bad and maybe..... just mayyyyyybe.... tutoring wasn't so bad either. I have no idea when the shift of attitude occurred but it took a big weight off my shoulders.

Once she started being an active participant, we accomplished so much together. We created a healthy relationship and a routine. As soon as she arrived she knew she had to complete a spelling page and then we would work on writing an essay. She learned that I truly cared about her and believed in her. Oh, I was passionate about seeing her succeed! I learned how to communicate with her. I learned how to sincerely compliment her so she felt valued and respected. She wasn't invisible to me. 

One of my favorite parts of seeing her grow was her realization that she could be anything she wanted. She is a gifted writer and has many many interesting stories. I truly think she could be a book author someday, if that's what she desires. It's humbling to have been a part of this process; all of the ups and downs. I saw her potential and wanted her to see it too.
~
This was my last Tues/Thurs night schedule because of a conflict with my summer courses, which starts next week. I broke the news to middle school girl (as Shannan would say -- homegirl) and she responded with disappointment and proceeded to tell me this, "...I like you."

I told her I liked her too.

And "We've come a long way...."

Oh yes, we have. I do hope our paths cross again soon.

Thank you girl, you have made me infinitely richer than a millionaire for that compliment. That means more to me than you can possibly know.

Grow

I love the synonyms for the word grow: develop, multiply, swell, enlarge, expand, extend, raise, cultivate, produce....

This word describes what has been happening within me over the recent months. I have grown in several ways and am feeling a sense of clarity in the process. I'm starting to feel a little more settled into myself, which feels so good and I hope to continue this way. 

As I don't have much time to write (as we are packing and leaving for Costa Rica tonight!), I will list out some of these great changes and experiences:

Growth in Appreciation: On July 31st, we had a big family party for Granny turning 100 years old. I feel so incredibly blessed to have this lady in my life- she is a role model, and as everyone says an inspiration (almost every card she got said that word). At the party, it was wonderful to be with family members near and far and to be with family friends, and others who knew Granny from some social group or another. I enjoyed talking with friends of Granny because they often said how she influenced them or touched their lives; really makes me appreciate this stunning lady. This party reminded me of how important it is to extend oneself to others. Granny is always about others first, something I want to be better at. After the big party, there was a fun family picnic that allowed us all to relax, play games, and enjoy each other's company. 

On August 1st, 2011, Granny officially turned 100. So amazing :) I think I found out one of Granny's "secrets to longevity" this past weekend... My cousin had some questions from her students to ask Granny and one of them was about stress management. Granny had this to say, "I think I've had an easy life compared to people who live [location where she does]...I've had food, clothes etc..." Then she proceeded to say, "No sense in worrying because things will happen the way they should!" and "Do the best you can, hope for the best." Now, those are words of wisdom.

Growth in Commitment: Yes, that is the big 'C' word! haha This is something that I have fought with for a long, long, long time until recently. I won't give many details, but I will say that I am dating someone and have been for a good part of this year. He came into my life unexpectedly, somewhat ironically, and yet all at the right time. Sometimes life doesn't give you what you want, but exactly what you NEED. It took quite a few conversations with my cousins and a close friend to get me to see that blessing. I feel grateful for their perspectives and not allowing me to run away. This is a very good change and I feel whole. That's the best way to put it... And best of all, my heart feels at home.

Growth in Education: This summer I took 3 courses and finished them within a month and a half (yes, that is why I was absent in blogging for most of July...not that anyone notices... haha). I took two online classes for my ESOL endorsement- policy and literacy. The other class was a general educational technology course. Anyway, I actually felt challenged in my thinking about ESL education, in the policy course. We had to read a few chapters per discussion question out of this book called, Advocating for English Learners: Selected Essays (2008) by James Crawford (yes and I actually had to read- could not get by with scanning!). The book strongly advocates for bilingual education and English Plus. English Plus promotes proficiency in English and opportunities for everyone to learn other languages. Until reading this book, I hadn't given much thought to the type of education that ELLs receive and even how they are treated in our country. I mean, I've had some knowledge but not really thought about it. I've had many of my misconceptions cleared up and am now more understanding of these learners. Think this line sums it up, "While language learned in the classroom is valued in this country, a language learned learned by growing up in a minority community is likely to be considered a liability, not an asset" (p. 122).

Growth in Traveling Experiences: I could put 'growth in understanding cultures' too. This is very much connected with my ESOL courses... As I have mentioned a few times, Mom and I traveling to Costa Rica with our family friend. We are so excited to visit her country! I am a little nervous as my Spanish is horrendous, I have lost so much vocabulary since high school. However, I am sure it will be okay. I will know how it feels for my future ELL students, which will be incredibly valuable. I am excited too, to see the culture of Costa Rica. Since we will be traveling with our friend we will be very much immersed in it. I have a greater sense of what culture is - there is so much depth, way beyond the usual: clothing, holiday celebrations etc... 

Well, that is all I have time to write about now, but I think this describes some good things going on in my life. I probably will not be able to write on here until I return. So I will be taking notes of things to share! 

Hasta luego!

A Letter to 2010

We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day. ~Edith Lovejoy Pierce

It's a little distracting to write this evening, but I felt like I ought to bid 2010 adieu in proper blogger form. Oh... what a year it has been! And boy did it fly by so quickly. Lots of changes, new experiences, intrapersonal growth, interpersonal discoveries, new understandings of God's Word, challenges, goodbyes, victories, and all sorts of fun.

I'm going to write a little letter to this year-- yes it isn't a person, nor a tangible thing.. but sometimes personalization is good. It's the grown up form of "pretend." :) Tonight its purpose is not only just for the heck of it but also as a way to create closure and allow for a fresh beginning...
~
Two thousand and ten, my friend, you've been alright. You could have been better but I won't complain-- I enjoyed all your seasons... the crisp cool Winter months, the beautiful Spring flowers, delightful warm Summer days, and the vivid Fall colors... yes you were a pretty one.

I loved those days of being immersed in the nature. I thoroughly enjoyed running through the rain, feeling the sun beat on my back, and breathing it all in. I loved those quiet moments of being outside. Just me, God and His perfect creation. Two thousand and ten, you had some wondrous quiet moments.

When possible, I also loved taking pictures of your colors. God made you a beauty. No doubt about that!

Yes, you were good yet I think you were truly the epitome of "tough love." The lessons I learned through you were not always pleasant but they surely had their benefits. As we circled around the earth, one day at a time, I gradually found my voice and finally discovered more of my individuality. Fighting through the battles of anxiety... I made it. A breakthrough that seemed so impossible years ago. It's been a long journey, through many ups and downs, but I finally made it... without drugs or superficial forms of help... I conquered that part of myself naturally and through many many hours of hard work. Sweet victory. Only by God's grace was I ever able to get this far-- He allowed me to never give up.

Because of that, I can finally stand on my own two feet.

Two thousand and ten, you were an ironic one at that. In your year, I witnessed one of my dearest role models recover from falling twice. She refused to give up though the road to being strong again seemed so out of reach. It would have been easy to let go of the strings of life, but she didn't. Though she couldn't physically stand on her two feet, her spirit could. God gave her the strength she needed to keep moving on. I am so grateful.

Dearest two thousand and ten, you taught me a lot in so many areas of life... and you also had some good changes. I discovered the joys of networking and substituting. I was surprised with how much I liked substituting. I loved how it helped me smooth the rough edges in my teaching. Not only that but I realized from substituting how much I am meant for teaching-- that's what I'm meant to do.

In addition, this year I finally chose a grad school and started it in August. That same month I unexpectedly got a part-time job at a lovely little store... all from walking in with my mom and saying "it must be fun to work here!" This retail job couldn't have come at a better time-- I was so worried and stressed at that point. I thought the springs were going to dry up, but thankfully, God did not allow them to. Instead they were filled to more than what I needed. Everything was okay and peaceful...

Oh year, you were something. You really were. You had great big moments and wonderful little ones as well. For all those times, good and bad... and somewhere in between, I am so blessed. I'm thankful for the sadness, anger, laughter, tears, cheers, and all the other emotions I experienced. Sometimes exhausting and sometimes uplifting. It was all worth it.

A favorite time of the year was without a doubt the football season. I will never forget the feeling of winning over the tyrant, the Crusaders. What a wonderfully perfect night. The victory was amazing but what I will remember the most was the oneness with the team and the supporting crowd. We were one- it didn't matter who was there, as long as they were there to cheer on the Warriors. And at the end we all met on the field where the win happened. All of us together.

The sentiment was the same at the best game ever, the state championship game: the Warriors versus the Timberwolves. I didn't care who I sat next to-- it didn't matter...the only thing that did matter was that I was sitting next to a fellow Warrior fan. We were all in that game together-- a true community. Particularly in that game, I won't forget how focused the team was and the crowd's enthusiasm. I knew from the moment I got to my seat that we could totally win. And from the first play I could sense it: focus. We weren't going to lose to the Wolves twice... no, this was our title.. This was our time. And so it was. I would go back to that day any day.

The only thing is if I went back to that day I would have to experience the feeling of bittersweet. One part of that day I won't forget is the sweetness and sadness. The state game was the last game for the senior football players. Such a grand way to leave the season-- a mark that will be forever in the school's history. However, it is also the end of a glorious era.. those boys will never play together again. All those years, from youth football to then... all those years of being together are over. Bittersweet. If I had to go back to that day, which I would, I would have to feel that little ache in my heart for all those boys. I know that bittersweet feeling all too well... the happiness of accomplishment and the pain of it being all over....

Oh, two thousand and ten, it is good to look back on all that we've experienced together.

I'm so glad for the times with my family and friends. For the random people that have crossed through my life. For that hand I held. For all those hugs and smiles throughout the year. For all those firsts and lasts...

Two thousand and ten, I know I could write about you for quite awhile. After all, we've been through 365 days... Twelve months. January 1st to December 31st. We are coming to an end. Only a few more hours left.

From sunrise to sunset, you were good.

Now to move on and to prepare the way for a brand new year. My new friend, Two thousand and eleven.

Thank you again, two thousand and ten for all that you taught me. I've learned lessons in humility, patience, and perseverance. I will never forget you and will carry your memories in my heart.

Welcome two thousand and eleven, welcome... I am ready to start fresh.
~
Blessings to all of you. I pray that this New Year brings you joyful times and strength in the difficult ones. :) Cheers!

It all goes so fast...

This week I've been reminded about how fast life goes (and how busy it can get!). I'm always amazed with where I am as an individual and how I got to this point in life. How did I get from being a kindergartner to a 23 year old licensed teacher? Lots of growing experiences have happened in between, to say the least. ;-)

Through all of the ups and downs, I am so thankful that I followed my dream of becoming a teacher. At the age of 5, I knew that was my goal in life and it has guided me every step of the way. Substituting and volunteering in these past few months has really been an encouragement to me. I absolutely love teaching and being around children. Yes, it is challenging and difficult some days but it is truly my calling. I am so thankful God has placed that "teaching joy" in my heart.

On Wednesday, Thursday and Friday (today), I spent all day at North Plains Elementary School or "home" as I like to call it. On Wednesday I substituted for the first grade teacher and had a pretty good day with the kids. This was my third time subbing for that teacher so I knew the kids and what to expect in terms of lesson plans. It's kind of neat that I got to sub for that teacher again because it bookends my subbing experience for the year (she was the first teacher I subbed for). In April, I saw a huge difference in subbing in there versus in early March. On Wednesday, I saw an even better improvement in my teaching skills compared to April. I'm very encouraged to know that I am getting better with every subbing experience. :)

Thursday was Field Day, which was very fun. Unfortunately, the weather was not really conducive to outdoor activity but the kids enjoyed themselves regardless. I have to applaud the P.E. teacher for attempting Field Day-- she did most of the preparation herself. That's a lot of work for one person! Janelle and I tried to help her when we could. Mostly, we just walked around and watched the kids play. In the afternoon round we spent most of the time under a tree.

Friday, today, was Zoo-Day with the morning kindergarten class. I had heard that the previous day was miserable due to the rain and TONS of people... so I was a little apprehensive about today. Luckily, there was no rain and there weren't huge crowds. Yes, it was busy but not too bad. I enjoyed seeing the little girl, that I was responsible for, having a good time. She laughed and smiled a lot, which was so sweet to see. It's not too often that she is genuinely happy (lots of issues at home).

Overall, the time at the zoo was great. All of the kids seemed to have a positive experience. I loved talking with them about their favorite animals. So cute!

Ahhh.... been a busy week... and it's not over yet! Tonight is my sister's graduation ceremony from high school. I can't believe that she's 18 and done with her public school education. This past year has been quite the struggle with her so I'm very pleased that she's made it through school. I hope that in this next phase of her life she will learn to make better choices. That might be hoping for a lot but she has improved... I can only hope for even better days ahead.

~ I'll end with a quote from one of the kinders today, "Having you here with Mrs. Allen makes it feel like the old days." Precious.