Changes Ahead

As I sit here I am listening to the swaying trees and swirling leaves rustle around outside. Grateful that the house is filled with light from the sunshine. Today truly feels like Fall. 

This windy change in weather makes me a bit apprehensive, however. While I might sound crazy -- I feel these distinct days are a sign of future changes in life. There have been several times in my life where the weather has changed suddenly (typically blustery and/or stormy) and I feel it in my core: something is not going to be the same in the near future. And it does. Most notably was my breakup with my first boyfriend in 2007. Around that time there was gusty, cold, dark and gray weather. As the wind blew all around me, I felt like life was chaotic just as the weather was then. My intuition was right in knowing life wasn't going to be the same.

Unlike that time, today is not dark and dreary but it feels bittersweet. While I could be wrong (I hope that I am), my intuition is alerting me again. Why? My boyfriend's father is getting a biopsy on a lung this afternoon. I feel somewhat hopeful but yet worried all at the same time. After what we have been through this summer, I know so well how fast everything can change. It's like sand. You can hold those minuscule particles tightly in the palm of your hand, but at some point a few start to fall through the cracks of your fingers... then a few more...That sense of security/stability can be gone within a matter of weeks. What can be so close to us can be gone ever so quickly. We have so little control on what happens to us and others. With that said, my heart is a bit heavy today.

----

On another note of change...

Here it is: I am thinking of a new direction in the education field. Several months ago, a doctor of speech pathology gave a presentation to a class a I was in. Ever since then I have not been able to stop thinking about that profession. Of course, these thoughts come at the end of my nearly completed Master's degree in Education (which has skyrocked my debt - just found out how much I owe the 'gov munt' yesterday)... 

The truth is, I feel like I don't belong in the mainstream public education classroom. After 2+ years of subbing, I have found that the mainstream room is confining. Don't get me wrong, I do love teaching and I love children but I lack passion in both in the public system. There is a lot of good that goes on, but I also see so many areas that aren't right. I also have found that I prefer to work with specific groups of children versus a variety. I think that is what led me to getting my ESOL endorsement. I discovered how much I enjoyed helping ELLs and see a real need to advocate for them. When I did my ESOL practicum, I felt a new sense of joy and passion for teaching, which I had nearly lost. I would love to my own ELL classroom and maybe someday I will. Next year if I am lucky.

Along with my love of ELL students, I have become curious about speech. Here's a fun fact about me: I am obsessed with people's mouths. My intermediate family knows this -- and I probably gained interest in mouths due to my sister (I love her cute way of talking, she has a unique emphasis on the /s/ and /ch/ sounds). When I watch TV or meet people anywhere, I am quite observant with how they talk and produce sounds. I love the different shapes of mouths, the way teeth can be arranged, and the physical aspect of how speech is created. 

Where does all this leave me then? Well, if I do decide to go for my Master's in SLP I will have to commit to about 3 years of schooling. I have looked at two universities (one being where I am going now) and there is much work to be done. It would challenge me in all kinds of ways. However, I have a decent amount of debt to pay as it is and more schooling = more debt. 

Since I am still in the deciding phase, I am doing what I can to get information from professionals to see if it is  something I want to pursue. I contacted a SLP that I know at a school and am hoping she will allow me to observe her. So.... we shall see where all this leads me. 

A near-future goal is to get some sort of full time job (even temporary, 6 months would be great) and work hard at paying down my debt. What kind of a job, who knows. I am hoping to sub as much as possible this year but am pretty sure this year will not be as lucrative. Basically, life is TBD. As usual though, right?! 

All I know is that my heart has changed towards education and I need to be enthusiastic about what I do. I want to help kids in some way shape or form. I'm glad that my feelings there haven't changed. I just hope that whatever I do, I am happy doing it because kids need as much positive input as possible. 

So, those are the thoughts on my mind on this Fall day. A heavy heart and a mind full of thoughts. I'm going to take a cue from the sunshine and have hope.

Born to Fly

And how do you keep your feet on the ground

When you were born

You were born to fly, fly, fly, fly.... 

--Sara Evans

A week has gone by since the major change at our household. On Friday 4th, my little sister moved to be with her husband. I knew she would be moving at some point but when the day came it hit hard. After 20 years of living with my sister, it was strange to have the house weighted down by the quietness. We always laugh about my sister being the spice because she is full of chatter and spunk.

Now, she is on to life of being a soldier's wife. She has been anxiously awaiting this change. So, last Friday all her belongings were gathered, put inside a U-Haul truck, along with her beloved green chair, coffee table and the love seat.... and by noon, they were off.

Goodbyes came with floods of tears. I cried because I would miss the evenings watching TV with my sister and mom. I cried because I would miss hearing my sister's radio playing in the night and her usual loud kick on the wall with her leg while she sleeps (she has done that consistently for years and it always jolts me). I cried because I wouldn't see her everyday. I simply cried because this was a big milestone in our lives. The kind that makes you think, "How did we get here so fast?!" Those hit to the core because it reminds you how fast life continues to move along.

Tasty Cinnabon rolls as a moving treat

Wide open spaces -- Mom and I now have resorted to using a Igloo cooler for our coffee table.

Since moving out a week ago, my sister and her husband have gotten settled in their apartment. She's managed to cook him some meals and they have organized their belongings so it feels home-y. We've been enjoying getting pictures.

Home feels like a "new normal." The emptiness is still quite noticeable (doesn't help that half of the living room is not there!) but the sadness has dissipated. It's good to know that my sister is with D. Being that they have been married since December 31st, it is about time that they live together!

Someday it will be my turn to leave home but till then I am going to grow a garden, enjoy my kitties and hopefully redecorate my room one of these days. I am hoping for all kinds of adventures- big and small!

New Month, New Name

So, as you might have noticed, my blog is no longer "Cast and Catch." At some point in February, I got this huge desire to change my blog name but had no idea how to do so. While the name "Cast and Catch" served its purpose and was good, it felt vague and not as meaningful anymore (and hard to pronounce-- truthfully, sometimes I would forget which word would come first).

In the first part of this process, I came up with quite a few combinations and eventually decided against them (think the first one was Red Apple Highway). Then I started asking the help of my friends so I could get some feedback-- I didn't want to choose something silly sounding or that didn't represent ME.

After weeks and weeks of trying to figure out a name, I came up with several combinations:

Freckled Joy -- Joyfully Freckled
Freckled Delight -- Delightfully Freckled
Freckled Bliss -- Blissfully Freckled
Freckled Naturally -- Naturally Freckled
Sincerely Freckled
Freely Freckled

I sent an email out yesterday to some of my friends asking for their vote on the ones they liked along with an apology for bugging them for so long (thank you, you all are so special to me!!!!). They were all generous enough with their time to respond and give their opinions. It came down to Joyfully Freckled and Sincerely Freckled. Then one of my friends suggest I ask her aunt because she is good at problems solving (her aunt is also very artistic and talented). She suggested that I use the plural, freckles instead... and go with something like Freckles and _______ or _____ and Freckles. She made a good point that the word freckled gets caught in one's throat-- and why would I want people to choke on my blog name?!

Hm.... So there I was back to the drawing board again. Hemming and hawwwwwing. Lots of it. However, I was determined that on March 1st-- TODAY, I would have this crazy trivial dilemma figured out.

I got stuck on the word sincerely. I love how it sounds. I love what it means.

Like all wonderful thoughts, they happen in the most random of times and rather unexpectedly (ya know the kind where you're on the edge of falling to a deep sleep or driving somewhere). Well, my winning name occurred to me in the shower this morning. One of the greatest places to think. Today, the name just came to me and it was sweetly simple:

Sincerely Angela

As soon as I thought it, I had that happiness all over and was like "OF COURSE! That is ME." I will always be Angela and I am sincere. 

In this blog, I write about all kinds of topics and will continue to do so. I'm not defined by any particular thing and that's just who I am. I love hot days and cold nights- if I could choose my own climate I would have it be 80F in the day and 20F at night. I love blue and red. I polka dots and plaid. I believe in structure but freedom. I love Jesus but am not confined to any particular church or theology. I love fashion but I also believe in living simply. I love the snow in winter but the sunshine and warmth of summer. I love rainbows for their order and variety-- but I also love all the colors splattered on a canvas. I see the value in limits but also believe in a life without limits..... and so on.

Through all of this I have learned that I was made to love and appreciate opposites, but to find my place somewhere along the middle. I am learning how to do that, while embracing life's many treasures. 

Perhaps this is all due to me turning 25 years old. Maybe I am going through a "quarter-life crisis," or I am simply trying to figure out who I am in this wonderfully made world. Whatever it is, I will always hold true to being.....

Sincerely Angela

Welcome to my newly named blog :) 

Arrivals & Departures

Oh, it has been a busy season so far. I was on such a writing kick there for a few weeks and now it has dwindled a bit. My schedule isn't super crazy but it is slowly progressing to be that way. Starting at the end of this month I will be doing my ESOL practicum for three full-time weeks. I am looking forward to learning from my mentor and gaining more knowledge on teaching students with language needs.

Anyhow, while my own personal life hasn't been too hectic, there have been lots of coming and going for people in "my" house (seems funny to write that phrase now, I am looking forward to the day when I really have my own house!).

Shortly after my mom arrived back from Singapore, my sister left for Georgia to see her boyfriend. He is in basic training right now - it was Family Weekend. They had a great time seeing each other, but it also made the goodbye difficult. Exciting news though: they are engaged! On October 8th, Dustin proposed :)

Courtesy of my sister & her cell 

The timing is questionable as to when the wedding will take place - as we do not know exactly when he will be back. Sarah is hoping for Christmas time. We shall see! This will be a big transition for them when the time comes. I hope my sister will be happy with her decision to be an Army wife.

Sarah returned home on the 10th, and within a few days our Costa Rican friend, Leonor arrived. She is here doing volunteer work for the Partners of the Americas. Unfortunately, the director that she works with here is a bit disorganized so she hasn't been able to do too much. Leonor will be here until November 3rd. Certainly interesting having her here- she was here earlier this summer for Granny's 100th birthday party, and then we went back with her for about two weeks. This visiting time is a little more challenging, simply due to the timing of when she is here and well, ya know how it is when you have spent a lot of time with someone.... ;-)

So there has been lots of arriving and departing around here. Lots of changes!

While all this has been going on Fall's colors have gotten richer and crunchier. Today is one of those wonderful clear warm Fall days. I had a pretty good run too, but I will save that for another post. :)

Hope that you are enjoying this season ... or whatever one you may be in!

The month that always surprises me with its arrival

"Live each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each." -- Henry David Thoreau

Hazy days are always a sign...

It is September 1st, 2011. Yes, not rocket science there but hear me out: 95% of the time throughout my life it has surprised me when this month rolls around. There was only one summer to fall transition that I eagerly waited waited for September (that is a story in itself, which I am considering telling one day). 

Of all those other times that I have been caught off guard or in just plain denial, I have grieved over summer departing. Some years it has been worse and others I have managed to go through the transition smoothly. This year, I do have a little ache but mainly because it really hasn't felt like summer. I was gone for two weeks, where oh yes, I did experience heat and sunshine. While I did thoroughly enjoy some of those experiences, it doesn't replace the feeling of summer at home.

Now the light is changing in the sky. Earth is tilting and turning away from that glorious sol...That part does make my heart ache, I have such separation anxiety with that golden delight. This year I am holding on to the fact that the calendar says summer lasts until the 23rd. So I have hope! (Side note- soon we will be having 90 degree weather for a few days so one last hurrah!)

While much of my denial of September is directed at the change of weather, there is much anxiety that comes with this new month. In Oregon and much of the nation, public schools start after Labor Day. There is that sense of the unknown and responsibility that can weigh heavy on one's heart. Newness can be a scary thing at first - like those good ol' elementary days. So many nerve-wracking first days of school!

These days September is a reminder that a long 9-month season is ahead. That means substituting, papers, practicums, college course reading, and various responsibilities. So some of that ache in my heart is just the feeling of losing a bit of freedom. Though ironically, I gain freedom in another way: financial. I wouldn't say that money wins in this case, but simply to say: everything comes with its own set of challenges...

On another note- this month is incredibly emotional for so many people in the United States and in the world. Hard to believe that on the 11th, it will be 10 years since those horrific terrorist attacks.

With all that said, those are my thoughts for the first day of September... Hope all of you are smoothly transitioning into this next part of the year. :)

P.S. I am sure that this blog title is my longest! haha

Grow

I love the synonyms for the word grow: develop, multiply, swell, enlarge, expand, extend, raise, cultivate, produce....

This word describes what has been happening within me over the recent months. I have grown in several ways and am feeling a sense of clarity in the process. I'm starting to feel a little more settled into myself, which feels so good and I hope to continue this way. 

As I don't have much time to write (as we are packing and leaving for Costa Rica tonight!), I will list out some of these great changes and experiences:

Growth in Appreciation: On July 31st, we had a big family party for Granny turning 100 years old. I feel so incredibly blessed to have this lady in my life- she is a role model, and as everyone says an inspiration (almost every card she got said that word). At the party, it was wonderful to be with family members near and far and to be with family friends, and others who knew Granny from some social group or another. I enjoyed talking with friends of Granny because they often said how she influenced them or touched their lives; really makes me appreciate this stunning lady. This party reminded me of how important it is to extend oneself to others. Granny is always about others first, something I want to be better at. After the big party, there was a fun family picnic that allowed us all to relax, play games, and enjoy each other's company. 

On August 1st, 2011, Granny officially turned 100. So amazing :) I think I found out one of Granny's "secrets to longevity" this past weekend... My cousin had some questions from her students to ask Granny and one of them was about stress management. Granny had this to say, "I think I've had an easy life compared to people who live [location where she does]...I've had food, clothes etc..." Then she proceeded to say, "No sense in worrying because things will happen the way they should!" and "Do the best you can, hope for the best." Now, those are words of wisdom.

Growth in Commitment: Yes, that is the big 'C' word! haha This is something that I have fought with for a long, long, long time until recently. I won't give many details, but I will say that I am dating someone and have been for a good part of this year. He came into my life unexpectedly, somewhat ironically, and yet all at the right time. Sometimes life doesn't give you what you want, but exactly what you NEED. It took quite a few conversations with my cousins and a close friend to get me to see that blessing. I feel grateful for their perspectives and not allowing me to run away. This is a very good change and I feel whole. That's the best way to put it... And best of all, my heart feels at home.

Growth in Education: This summer I took 3 courses and finished them within a month and a half (yes, that is why I was absent in blogging for most of July...not that anyone notices... haha). I took two online classes for my ESOL endorsement- policy and literacy. The other class was a general educational technology course. Anyway, I actually felt challenged in my thinking about ESL education, in the policy course. We had to read a few chapters per discussion question out of this book called, Advocating for English Learners: Selected Essays (2008) by James Crawford (yes and I actually had to read- could not get by with scanning!). The book strongly advocates for bilingual education and English Plus. English Plus promotes proficiency in English and opportunities for everyone to learn other languages. Until reading this book, I hadn't given much thought to the type of education that ELLs receive and even how they are treated in our country. I mean, I've had some knowledge but not really thought about it. I've had many of my misconceptions cleared up and am now more understanding of these learners. Think this line sums it up, "While language learned in the classroom is valued in this country, a language learned learned by growing up in a minority community is likely to be considered a liability, not an asset" (p. 122).

Growth in Traveling Experiences: I could put 'growth in understanding cultures' too. This is very much connected with my ESOL courses... As I have mentioned a few times, Mom and I traveling to Costa Rica with our family friend. We are so excited to visit her country! I am a little nervous as my Spanish is horrendous, I have lost so much vocabulary since high school. However, I am sure it will be okay. I will know how it feels for my future ELL students, which will be incredibly valuable. I am excited too, to see the culture of Costa Rica. Since we will be traveling with our friend we will be very much immersed in it. I have a greater sense of what culture is - there is so much depth, way beyond the usual: clothing, holiday celebrations etc... 

Well, that is all I have time to write about now, but I think this describes some good things going on in my life. I probably will not be able to write on here until I return. So I will be taking notes of things to share! 

Hasta luego!

Beginning of Summer Pictures

I said I would add these "tomorrow" to my post about the first day of summer... and here it is 2 days later. Oh well! I also didn't edit them or anything...

So many colors and shapes during this lovely season :)

Before & After Hair Cut

Before I head off to bed I have to talk about the best thing of this weekend (yes I know tomorrow hasn't happened yet but this is a winner!)-- I got my hair cut, finally! I have been going nuts for the past few weeks so it's great to finally have a change. I feel refreshed and a bit lighter. So... here I am:

Before....

After... (Side note: it was a bit misty today so the styling got a little messed up- gotta love living in the PNW lol)

 I'm proud of myself. I didn't totally chop it off! ;-)

Falling into Chaos

Here I am. It is May 20th, 2011 and I am finally writing. Goodness, I have been HORRIBLE this year with writing. It's not that I don't have a lot to write about but I haven't been making time for it. Between school, substituting, and my part-time job I have been extremely busy and worn out. 

A week or two ago I came across an article on CNN that had a title similar to the one I'm using for this blog. When I saw the headline I thought, "yes! That is how I feel!" Needless to say, this title accurately describes how I have been feeling for most of this year, especially in the last few months. I feel like I have been in "survival mode" for far too long. I am definitely not balanced like I used to be but have high hopes for getting back to a healthier way of living soon.

There have been a few changes in my life as of recently and I'm thankful to say that they've been good ones. Just recently, I received a job offer from Sylvan Learning Center. I interviewed with the director over a year ago but there weren't any positions available in my interest area. My sister works at this particular center, not as a teacher though. Anyway, my sister told me that the director had positions available and that I should get in contact with her. So I called the director up and she informed me that she would be happy to give me a position! After looking at my summer school schedule and figuring out how to deal with my current PT job, I confirmed that I would love working at Sylvan. Now I am a tutor/teacher there! I started training this week... it has been a good experience so far but overwhelming, as new things always are.

With that being said, early last week I put in my two weeks notice to my part-time job at Hallmark. I was very nervous about resigning as this all happened so quickly. Thankfully, my manager was encouraging and understanding. She said she knew I wasn't always going to be at the store, but didn't expect for it all to change so soon. I was very relieved! She also has allowed me to work my last two weeks, which is a wonderful blessing. I will miss being at the store-- I absolutely love the cards! In my time at the store, a few months shy of a year, I have made great friends and have met quite a few interesting people. I feel like they have all made an impact on me in some shape or form. The experiences I have had at the store will always be with me too. I learned so much from them and they have helped to make me stronger. It's sad to say goodbye to such a huge blessing, but I know I must take this new (teaching) opportunity.

Anyhow, with this job change, I will have more time for subbing and be able to have a regular schedule. I plan on only working 2 nights per week at Sylvan so that will be really nice. This change couldn't have happened at a better time too. Grad school is going to be fairly intense this summer-- taking 9 credits (not at once but all within a month and a half).  I also have a practicum for my ESOL endorsement this Fall... so I was already worried about coordinating Hallmark with all of this. Praise God! It has all been worked out. I never had to worry... just like so many other times where I have been unsure... He is so faithful and good.

In addition to the job change, the semester concluded... Yippie! I had to create an ESL unit, which reminded me of the good 'ol work sample days. Ugh. Thankfully it wasn't as intense and didn't require as much detail. Let me tell you though, I was glad to get that turned in! So nice to have a little break from school now. Whew.

So that is the latest and greatest in my life! I think I'm going to make a big note next to my computer that says "BLOG" and perhaps I'll remember to write more than one time every other month. ;-)

Welcoming Spring

If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome.  ~Anne Bradstreet

I feel like a cat on catnip. I have had the best two days. The rain may return tomorrow, but I am so thankful to have been able to enjoy two lovely Spring days. I've been able to be out and about and enjoy the sunshine. Ahh... so refreshing.


I forgot to mention two things about yesterday. One of the other reasons why yesterday was great was that I got to see one of my aunts. I delivered our birthday card to her before going to pick up Jennifer. It had been awhile since I had seen her so it felt great to catch up. So that was a great start to the day! I told my aunt I was going downtown in honor for her birthday-- she was thrilled. haha


The end of the day was very nice too. I had a good dinner in the evening and tried something new. A couple of days ago I got an Amy's frozen organic burrito. I keep finding myself tempted to eat the Reser burritos in the freezer, but stop myself every time I read the ingredients (0.5 grams of trans fat). So when Mom and I were at Fred Meyers last time, I decided to get an Amy's burrito-- the Southwestern flavor. I was quite happy with it too! I really enjoyed it and hope to get some more next time. :)

In case you want to try these here's a picture. Yum!

Today has been another uplifting day. Jennifer and I hung out again and did fun girly things. We decided to do one of our famous photo shoots. Taking pictures together has been a big part of our friendship over the years.


For our photo shoot today we dressed in blue jeans and black tops. To add some interest, we put on really dramatic eye make up, which ended up looking really neat. It took us a good 45 minutes or so to put on our make up. We had a lot of fun putting on the darkest eye shadow possible. I'm still surprised with how good it turned out! :) After putting on our make up we walked around the park near Jennifer's house to take some pictures. I'm sure people though we were kind of strange because I was carrying a tote, my tripod, and my peacock feathers (those were props-- yes we're silly!). It took us awhile to find a good spot but once we did we got some great shots. So much fun! I'll share a picture or two on here tomorrow. 


Now to work this weekend-- should be a good one though. Hope ya'll have a lovely weekend! Enjoy and savor the moments of Spring. :)

On a happier note...

I feel like I have a ton of blog posting to catch up. Lots of things have happened in the past few months and I have plenty of thoughts bumbling around in my head. I'm feeling a lot more upbeat these days-- I feel Spring in the air and it's great. :)

Sort of a funny post to put next to the ones about Minnie (not really how I wanted to do it but oh well, that's what I get for waiting so long to write!).... We have a new furry friend in our house.

After allowing ourselves time to deal with Minnie's passing, we decided we were ready for another cat. I guess that's how it happened anyway. We knew at some point we wanted another cat, but weren't sure when. There's a wonderful pet adoption place nearby and we visited it a few times in the end of January to February. In the few times we visited, we were just checking out the place, not really sure about a cat yet. We were also frequent visitors on their website.

My sister finished reading Dewey in early February and became focused on having an orange cat. I honestly had no idea what kind of cat I wanted next. I just knew we couldn't get another tortoise. She finally came across one orange tabby cat and had to see him in person. About the second week in February we visited the orange tabby boy cat. A few days later, on February 21st (President's Day) he was our boy!

Meet Cheese Puff! Our 16 pound orange tabby. :) He has lost some weight now because he's on a diet... haha His name at the adoption place was Cheese Puff and we thought it was appropriate and kept it. He's a great furry friend to have around the house. We've never had a boy cat before so it's pretty different. He also looks totally different than our other kitties. He's got a great personality!

Picture of him on his first day of his new home. Lots to love!

Checking out the house for the first time (Feb 22nd)... Hey Mr. Good Lookin'!

He doesn't usually get into this position because he's a rather large boy. I guess because he was on Mom's pants it called for a special type of sitting.

The Paw Prints on my Heart

What we once have enjoyed we can never lose; all that we love deeply, becomes a part of us. --Helen Keller

I guess I have put off writing about this long enough. Subconsciously, it's been nice to not write because that way I don't have to accept the reality... But that's not a healthy way to live and writing is a good way to process my feelings.

So with that said, on January 10th we learned that Minnie's cancer was not treatable and that it had spread. Because of that news, we had to put her down that day. Since then I haven't felt like things have been the same since, which of course, they aren't.

I may seem melodramatic or overdoing this event that has happened in my life, but I don't feel that I am. After all, I lost a little friend that I have had in my life for 13 years. She's been there for me for everything-- such a precious creature in God's amazing creation.

~

On the morning of the 10th, I had that awful feeling. I just knew that would be her last day... I had been up most of the night crying with Mom and loving on her. We could tell she was very uncomfortable, as she made multiple trips out to the litter box but could not produce anything.

That morning when I got up, she came and snuggled next to me... and I just got hysterical. I kept saying, "Don't go... I don't want you to go..." My sister was still sleeping but heard me and came in to comfort me. I was pretty much grasping for air at that point since I was crying so hard.

I don't remember all the details in the morning, but I know I was getting ready for work at that time. What I do remember though is the few minutes before I had to leave. I held Minnie for the longest time and talked to her. I told her that I loved her enough to let her go- as it wasn't fair to keep her if she wasn't comfortable... Whenever I stand in that spot in my room I can vividly recall holding her and feeling the weight of her in my arms... and the feel of her silky fur... and the sound of her gentle purring. It always feels like it was just yesterday that she was here.

I remember being in the kitchen getting my stuff to go and looking at the clock at 9:25. Minnie was wandering around the kitchen-- she was looking out the sliding glass doors to the backyard; watching the birds and wildlife. I remember thinking "Enjoy this Minnie, this could be your last time to see all of this..." Then as I was leaving to go out the back door, she briefly came outside... and I looked at her, knowing those would be last few looks at her. And then I turned the corner and headed to my car, crying all the way to work.

A part of me really wanted to believe everything would be okay and that her cancer was treatable. But unfortunately, I couldn't fight my intuition.

I didn't talk to my boss about what was going on nor acted much different. I did feel like I was in a fog all day and felt physically exhausted. I remember watching the clock because Minnie was supposed to be at the vet at 1pm. As I was organizing cards and helping customers, I watched every minute tick by...

At one point I looked at the register and it said "14:23" (2:23) and all in that moment, I nearly had a full blown panic attack. I felt this sharp pain through my chest-- an achy sensation. Kind of hard to explain really.

Ironically, that was about the time Minnie was put to sleep. When I was done with work, I checked my phone and had a few missed calls. My mom was in California that day for a meeting so that was also weird. Anyway, she had a very sad voicemail for me saying she had to make that horrible decision and hoped I wasn't mad at her. I called her back before leaving the parking lot... and in that odd winter light, under that clear crisp sky and wispy clouds... my mom and I sobbed and sobbed, missing our precious furry tortie.

I got home and cried with my sister-- feeling surrounded by the dead silence in the house. Such an odd sense of quiet. A feeling of something missing.

Later that evening, we were able to go over to our neighbor's and watch the BCS game with them. It was so nice to be in a different environment and to be with good friends. I feel very thankful for them to let us come over.

Before bed, my aunt checked in on us to see if we needed a hug. She gladly came down to comfort us and let us cry. She had actually been at the vet with my sister, dad, and my sister's boyfriend when it was time to put Minnie down. My mom had requested that she would be there for them and to sort of be in our place (as Mom and I couldn't be there). I am so blessed to have such a loving aunt.

~

And that's how that day was... Not a good way to start out 2011. Certainly very unexpected. But so many people have felt that way too-- on the 8th there was that horrible shooting on Tuscon. No one expected that either.

There's no way to make sense about death and why it's the only answer sometimes.. or why it's the unexpected thief. What we can know for sure and what I cling to are the memories. It's not the same-- I want her here more than anything. I miss her every day... I'll keep her beautiful songs, trills and meows in my heart and carry her memory with me always.

Hello 2011

Today is 1/1/11.

That's pretty fun to write :) Ahh... a New Year. Happy to say that today was a good one for starting of this new book, 2011. Overall, it was relaxing, somewhat productive and fairly uneventful.

The only downside to today was taking down the Christmas decorations. Before I got myself out bed, Mom had already started removing the wall decor. Once I had my breakfast, I joined her in taking down our mantel/fireplace decorations, nativity scene, and the ornaments. Mom hauled the empty tree out outside and then we were left with a very open living room. Always feels so strange to remove the tree.. It's always hard to adjust to not having the glow of the lights and all the fun festive decorations around. But before we know it, Christmas will be here again soon...

After undecorating the house, Mom and I got some of our January decorations out. For the past few years we have decorated with navy blue, silver and white colors. On our fireplace mantel we put a navy blue sash with some wintry decor and a string of white lights mixed in it as well. We also enjoy decorating with a variety of candles-- having some light in the house during the dreary Winter months.

To get a break from all the decorating and undecorating Mom and I dropped some items off at my cousin's house. We enjoyed chatting with her and her husband. I hadn't seen their home since they moved into it a couple of months ago. Not only was it great to see it all Christmasy but I got to see the changes they've made. Makes me excited to have my own place someday-- so many cool things you can do with a home.

Once our visiting was over, Mom and I did a little "mouse housing." We were on the hunt for wintry decorations, but didn't come across any. On our outing we did manage to stop into Starbucks, which was quite lovely :)

We came home and putzed around some more and then eventually went up the street to visit my aunt, uncle, and my Granny (who is staying at their place for a few days). Mom and I stayed for awhile and had a good time chatting with them. We particularly enjoyed observing my aunt make a delicious split pea soup. At one point she invited us to just stay over and join them in eating it! Let me tell you: wow! That was a wonderful soup-- tasty and all natural. Perfect for a cold day. After finishing my bowl of soup, my aunt asked me if I would like another serving... I said "of course, if you're offering!" She got a laugh out of that. I figured, hey, it's good if the "students" (Mom & I) are familiar with the taste of the soup before making it on their own. ;-)

We got back home not too long ago and parked ourselves on the couch. Ahhh... good start to 2011. Hope that you all had a wonderful start to the New Year!

Independence Day

Well, this year's 4th of July will always be memorable. Not in a pleasant way, however. This past week my oldest cat's health dramatically declined. She's been slowly going downhill for awhile, but this past week she just got worse. Unfortunately, this all occurred while Mom, Granny, and I were at the beach. I feel awful for not being here for my kitty Chatty in her last few days.

When my sister updated us on her condition on Thursday I felt so anxious and panicky-- like the feeling of "I have to get to my cat." Thankfully, Chatty was able to hold on enough so that we could give her a proper send-off yesterday. I can't tell you how horrendous it was to come home to see my cat laying so weird on the floor of my bedroom and hardly breathing. When I saw her I immediately broke down crying and stroked her fur.

My aunt Maxine told us about an emergency vet in Tualatin where we took her to be put to rest. It was not easy having to pack her up in the carrier and have to drive her all the way over there. I'm thankful though that the people were extremely gentle with her. The doctor that euthanized her was so kind and comforting. Chatty left this world peacefully.

Chatty was a special kitty-- she came to our house during a very cold winter about 18 years ago. Chatty basically showed up on our back porch and refused to leave! Mom tried to scare her away but she didn't leave. After a few days mom gave her some food and water, hoping that would keep her satisfied. However, she still wanted a home. We were a little weary of the idea of having another cat because we already had one, Kasey (at that time she was about a year old). I remember sitting in the back room and discussing whether or not to let Chatty live with us. We all felt terrible about having her out in the cold. The answer to take her in was unanimous: yes!

We had our ups and downs with Chatty in the beginning because she was a farel cat. It took her awhile to get used to the domestic lifestyle. She never did become a lap-cat but she was always a faithful greeter in the utility room. When she wanted to, she would come and hang out in the house. During Christmas her favorite place was under the Christmas tree. Oh how she loved the Christmas tree! I'm so glad she got to enjoy it this last Christmas.

(Christmas 2009)

To sum up Chatty's life, the word humble is appropriate. Chatty lived a very simple life-- all she ever wanted was a home, a place to call her own. She didn't ask for much, just some love and a roof over her head. She also was so sweet to Kasey when she got ill. Chatty was truly the "nurse cat." When Kasey's health declined she stayed by her side- I will never forget that sweet gentle spirit. I hope that Kasey and Chatty are enjoying their sweet reunion :)

While to some this may seem "overboard" on writing about a cat... but she wasn't just a cat, she was a family member and a friend. She will always have a special place in my heart.

"For the life of every living thing is in His hand, and the breath of all humanity." (Job 12:10)

Beginnings and Endings

I apologize in advance if this posting is not great quality writing. I'm very tired from this week! I have had a good week but I will definitely need to get some extra rest this weekend.

This was the last week of school for students-- a very busy time for teachers. I spent everyday but Monday at North Plains. I'm so glad I was able to help my mentor and spend time with the kindergartners. I feel so blessed to have had such a great experience at North Plains. Though my student teaching ended in December, I have gone back frequently to volunteer, substitute, or to be with the students for special events. I enjoy being at the school so much! I feel respected as an individual and as a teacher. It's not just the respect that I get at North Plains, but I truly love the people there (well, 99%). I am happy being around the students and the staff; you can be sure to see a big smile on my face when I'm at the school. I wish every school was this way and I think that they should be this way.

There is just nothing better than being part of a community where you feel like you belong. I think that is what it boils down to at North Plains-- everybody matters there. That is what sets that school apart from so many in the district.

When a community is close-knit is very hard when members "leave" (in a true community- people may not be there physically but they're there in spirit). Sadly, North Plains is losing two teachers. One teacher is retiring and the other is moving away. It's hard to imagine returning to the school in the fall without those two the amazing teachers. I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to get to know them.

For some reason today I kept thinking about this quote... seems applicable today:

"What we call the beginning is often the end.

And to make an end is to make a beginning

The end is where we start from.

We shall not cease from exploration

And the end of all our exploring

Will be to arrive where we started

And to know the place for the first time."

-- T.S. Eliot

It's really hard for me to process the fact that it's the end of the school year. As my mentor and I took down wall decorations, put away books, completed the inventory, sent off report cards, and closed up the room... it all just felt so surreal to me. I remember last August putting it all up and getting ready for orientation. Now, it's the end. But it's an end of a beginning and a beginning to an end (like the quote). I've come full circle.

Graduation Weekend

What a wonderful weekend! Yesterday was Sarah's graduation party at our house. We had several family and friends over to celebrate the special occasion. The weather was absolutely amazing yesterday-- 85 degrees and clear skies. My kind of weather!

Since it was so nice we had the party out on the deck, which was delightful. It was so fun talking with neighbors, cousins, Granny, and other family members. I really enjoyed seeing people talking with one another (lots of mingling!). I was very pleased and surprised at some of the people who did come to the party. My mom's cousin Carole, that we hardly see, came with her husband. I could tell that she was very happy that she had made the effort to come and visit.

Unfortunately, a terrible event occurred that basically concluded the party. My cousin's husband received a call that their eldest son was in an accident. They rushed home and those who were still at the party started to disperse as they left. Praise God, though, my cousin's son is okay and the passengers in his car are fine! I saw pictures of the car (which is totaled) this evening and wow... God was definitely protecting those boys.

Anyhow... after the main party was over we had a still had a little gathering of a few people. Sarah's friend Emily and her mother, Jessica were still over enjoying themselves. Emily, Sarah, and Dustin had fun playing Rock Band and talking with each other. Auntie Marolyn came back to our house and had fun talking with Jessica and mom.

Once Auntie Marolyn left, Jessica and Emily were still at our house (we don't get to spend much time with them- even though they live close to us). We all were pretty hungry and burnt out on eating sweets. We all decided that Olive Garden sounded good. So Jessica's family-- her husband, son and Emily and the "five of us" (us + Dustin) went out together. Lots of fun! It was a great end of the day and fun to celebrate Emily and Sarah's friendship- they've been friends since kindergarten. :)

Emily, Sarah, & Dustin

My Sister is a High School Graduate!

The graduation ceremony was great last night! My sister is now officially a high school graduate. :)

It all goes so fast...

This week I've been reminded about how fast life goes (and how busy it can get!). I'm always amazed with where I am as an individual and how I got to this point in life. How did I get from being a kindergartner to a 23 year old licensed teacher? Lots of growing experiences have happened in between, to say the least. ;-)

Through all of the ups and downs, I am so thankful that I followed my dream of becoming a teacher. At the age of 5, I knew that was my goal in life and it has guided me every step of the way. Substituting and volunteering in these past few months has really been an encouragement to me. I absolutely love teaching and being around children. Yes, it is challenging and difficult some days but it is truly my calling. I am so thankful God has placed that "teaching joy" in my heart.

On Wednesday, Thursday and Friday (today), I spent all day at North Plains Elementary School or "home" as I like to call it. On Wednesday I substituted for the first grade teacher and had a pretty good day with the kids. This was my third time subbing for that teacher so I knew the kids and what to expect in terms of lesson plans. It's kind of neat that I got to sub for that teacher again because it bookends my subbing experience for the year (she was the first teacher I subbed for). In April, I saw a huge difference in subbing in there versus in early March. On Wednesday, I saw an even better improvement in my teaching skills compared to April. I'm very encouraged to know that I am getting better with every subbing experience. :)

Thursday was Field Day, which was very fun. Unfortunately, the weather was not really conducive to outdoor activity but the kids enjoyed themselves regardless. I have to applaud the P.E. teacher for attempting Field Day-- she did most of the preparation herself. That's a lot of work for one person! Janelle and I tried to help her when we could. Mostly, we just walked around and watched the kids play. In the afternoon round we spent most of the time under a tree.

Friday, today, was Zoo-Day with the morning kindergarten class. I had heard that the previous day was miserable due to the rain and TONS of people... so I was a little apprehensive about today. Luckily, there was no rain and there weren't huge crowds. Yes, it was busy but not too bad. I enjoyed seeing the little girl, that I was responsible for, having a good time. She laughed and smiled a lot, which was so sweet to see. It's not too often that she is genuinely happy (lots of issues at home).

Overall, the time at the zoo was great. All of the kids seemed to have a positive experience. I loved talking with them about their favorite animals. So cute!

Ahhh.... been a busy week... and it's not over yet! Tonight is my sister's graduation ceremony from high school. I can't believe that she's 18 and done with her public school education. This past year has been quite the struggle with her so I'm very pleased that she's made it through school. I hope that in this next phase of her life she will learn to make better choices. That might be hoping for a lot but she has improved... I can only hope for even better days ahead.

~ I'll end with a quote from one of the kinders today, "Having you here with Mrs. Allen makes it feel like the old days." Precious.