Ups, Downs and So Much Stronger

While I had high hopes for 2012 being a better year, it has basically been a continuation of the previous year. Since the very first day, this year has been challenging but also a wonderful learning experience. I feel incredibly grateful for the growth I have made in this year and even in the past few months. I have become stronger because of everything I have experienced. I will admit, I have had my fair share of anxiety and moments where all I could was try to cling to the present. I've learned that just because you have weakness doesn't mean you aren't capable of being strong. Your strength is known when you have no other choice but to be that way. On a daily basis it is easy to struggle but when you are put to the test that is when all is revealed. Maybe you've always been powerful -- you just didn't know it.

I don't think that finding ones strength has to necessarily come from the cost of a hardship on another. I think it these times just force us to find that deeply embedded inner courage. Further, as I believe: for every bad circumstance or heartache there is always something good.

[ I really hope I don't sound arrogant or melodramatic. I'm not trying to exaggerate either. I'm simply writing from my stream of subconscious and my heart. Trying to gather all the events that have happened in one place is like herding 10 cats! I have all of these different directions I can go and ways to organize my thoughts, so this is just how it is all coming out on here.... ]

So, back to what I was saying: yes, there have been quite a few downs this year but I have also experienced much joy. I feel a sense of peace with my friendships/relationships and particularly the romantic one I am in. While I feel mixed in saying so, it has been good to see the true colors and reality of other relationships/people. The goodness in that comes from knowing I have solid friendships/relationships in my life. I have also made several new friends that add happiness to my life. Cliche - maybe but oh so true: when one door closes, another one opens. I'd like to think it's the window that opens though.

As best I can, I will describe recent events that have led me to this point. My guess is I'll need to do a part 2 post. ;-)

Down/Mixed: After Mother's Day my boyfriend learned that his mom had pancreatic and liver cancer. We ended up going to Spokane to visit her 4 times throughout the summer -- we went every two weeks. Through this time I learned how to use my voice and to advocate for myself. Ironically, from all of this, my relationship with my mother started to heal and grow. While I wish the circumstances could have been different I am grateful for this change, as it has also helped me to be more confident in my commitment.

I experienced many emotions during this time. Frankly, it was quite overwhelming and hard to process what I felt. I had the anxiety of meeting Brian's family and friends for the first time, and all that came with watching someone decline by the day.

I'll never forget meeting Brian's mom -- I felt humbled and in awe. Each time I saw his mom (and each visit after the first she was worse off; I met her first in her apartment and then the last few visits were in a nursing home), I felt a deep sense of calm from her presence. She was such a peaceful, gentle, sweet, sincere and quick witted woman. Even on the last visit, I felt extremely calm and just couldn't take my eyes off of her. She was absolutely beautiful even in suffering. It's almost hard to describe how it felt to see her on that last visit but she was graceful even in her last breathing days on earth.

My relationship with Brian really was molded even further during this heart wrenching time.We grew together  as this time further intertwined our lives.

As part of our relationship becoming more solid, I learned a lot about Brian. I got to see how he managed his emotions and learn just how close he was to his family. Basically, I got to see him in context. I saw him vulnerable, strong, gentle, compassionate and resilient. I learned more about who he was in context of the people he loves and that have been a part of his life for years. I got to see some of his old stomping grounds -- his roots. I got to see the shades of his personality: the boy and the man. In his eyes, I saw the boy who looked up to his mom and needed her. However, I also saw the man who gave his mom so much peace and joy.

What I'll remember for years to come was simply the fact that I got to meet the woman who loved my man for the very first time.

She passed away on July 20th. The memorial service was on August 5th at the church she had been attending. The pastor summed up her life sweetly (almost these words): "Jan's life was a reflection. A reflection causes you to look at something. She looked at Jesus for guidance and strength.... because she looked towards Jesus her life mirrored Him." Oh so true. What a beautiful woman.

I'm so thankful I had the opportunity to spend so much time with Brian's family. We stayed with his brother and sister-in-law each time we visited. They were so generous in letting us stay in their home and were great to be around. In the evenings we would BBQ, sit outside and enjoy the night. It was fun when his sister was there too (she lives in the same area as us) because her 2 year old son would chase the cat around the yard and provide us with a lot of entertainment. I consider Brian's family my new friends -- they are people I admire and love. I loved seeing how they put meaning into the word family. While I did see them work together in a hard time, I could tell that they had a great love for each other that had been there for years. I felt incredibly touched to be able to observe them and to participate in everything.

Those weekends were difficult mentally, emotionally and physically. I was worn out during these times and it was totally worth it. This quote stuck with me during this time, "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I ended up where I needed to be."

I could talk at length about everything but I will let this be the conclusion of this 'event.' I'll do another blog post for the other ups and downs of this summer. On to Part II....

Those Gray Days

Sometimes mornings don't start out right. Sometimes the whole day is bumpy from beginning to finish. Sometimes life feels bleak and irritating.

I will be honest, I don't like writing negative posts but life isn't always wonderful... I think I write about these days in hopes that someone will stumble across my blog and feel comforted in some way. I know how it feels to be lonely in a situation or moment. It's so nice when you find someone that understands and that says what you need to hear.

This morning started early with one problem after another, which eventually led to me crying when I had had my fill of all of it. I won't bother to review the issues, as really, they are minimal compared to everything else... but today, it just bummed me out. It doesn't help that I haven't been sleeping to well for awhile and that just escalates problems to another level. Sigh.

I am sure that it can all be worked out one way or another, but it is hard to think of that in the midst of frustration. I wonder if you're nodding your head in agreement.

While the morning was rough, I am thankful that rest of the day was good. I got to spend time with one of my closest friends and that greatly improved my mood. I helped her box up items since she'll be moving soon and the physical activity was nice. We also got sushi for lunch and watched an episode of "Frasier." Ah... Saving grace!

There are silver lining to gray clouds, that I believe. However, I also believe gray clouds can be nudged aside by a good friend. I am always, always, always grateful for my close friends. Perhaps these days are just reminders of that -- it's hard to see through the hard stuff but once it settles you get a more refined view of your blessings.

I will say this: it is important to feel what you feel. If you feel frustrated -- be it. If you want to cry, let it out. These are the things that make us human and allow us to better connect to others. Empathy is what we need in order to make the world a bit brighter. Perspective helps too (hence why I do recognize my bad days/mornings are not the worst but they do matter to me and that is OK).

I don't know how your day was. I hope it was great and beautiful. I hope it was less gray than mine. Maybe it wasn't. So I will leave you with this:

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. 

--Ralph Waldo Emerson

and a little bit of beauty....

When it hits 80 degrees...

I tell you what folks, there is nothin' like a gorgeous day in the Pacific Northwest. We know how to celebrate the sunshine!

I love seeing my neighbors out and about working on their yard, hearing kids playing, lawn mowers going, people out walking and riding their bikes, convertible tops down.... all kinds of great things happen on beautiful days in suburbia. These days make all of the rain worth it :) I say we have earned these days considering we hit a record last month for rain -- wettest March in 83 years (think we got about 7 inches or so, yuck). Apparently we hit a record today (gotta love extremes), 80 degrees! I was thrilled with the prospect of 70 so it's a bonus.

Alrighty so here is what I did today... after a little bit of homework, I made a dash to work on the yard!

 More instant gratification! The corner (as you see below) was not very instant however... the soil is so wet which actually makes it more challenging to get weeds out.

 Before and After on top and then some pics of the backyard...

It's been a wonderful day!! As you can tell, Cheese was working hard... haha He went from place to place resting and looking cute. I could have taken a 100 pics of him - love my big boy. Coco Chanel wasn't too pleased with us being outside of the house and yakked to us from the window. Sigh...

Tomorrow is supposed to be about as nice so I'm looking forward to it. I do have to sub which means I'll be inside all day but you better believe it... come 3:15PM, I am out the door as fast as I can go!

Hoping for a good week :)

A Thankful Day

I don't think I could have said it better myself. A student this week said, after learning about the pilgrims coming to live in North America, "so it is a thankful day." I love how children say things so simply. They are profound lil beings sometimes.

Ah.... Where has the time gone and how did we get here? I will say, today was a wonderful day of being with loved ones. Life has been so hectic in these past few weeks, and in my partial emerged state of mind, it felt good to be around the people I care about. It was good to get a mental break, as there are plenty of little stressors. Putting those aside for a moment, here is how I spent Thanksgiving:

one of the beautifully decorated tables at my aunt & uncle's house

Granny's sweet potatoes cooking. Yuummm

we always have nut & chocolate cups (this year just chocolate!), thanks to Granny

my plate :)

Our contribution to Thanksgiving dessert, pilgrim hats. Thank you Pinterest!

Here is the link to website that was pinned on Pinterest. Just scroll down and you will see  how to make 'em. Very simple:  chocolate striped cookies, buttercream frosting, orange tic-tacs and mini-peanut butter cups. Yum!

While it is so easy to be absorbed with the comings and goings of life, it is good to reflect on what we have. With each class I have subbed for in this past week I have made the students say what they are thankful for. Since I have made them do it, I should too. Here is a small list (items in random order) -- I could write for days and days:

-- My health: So thankful to not be sick or have any major illnesses.
-- Education: Though I have loans, I am thankful for the opportunity to learn more and better myself. Not everyone gets this chance.
-- Cats: My two kitties make me smile everyday. I feel blessed to have such silly furry friends.
-- Family: Thankful for my immediate and extended family members. I am grateful that I have gotten to know some of these individuals better.
-- My two jobs: They wear me out some days but I am so thankful to have them. I enjoy being a tutor and a substitute teacher. Both have helped me to refine my teaching skills and grow in many ways.
-- My faith: Something I have not talked much about, truthfully, because it has not been real strong this year... but even when I struggle I am thankful that Jesus is patient with me. Even during this 'dry' time, I feel like some things are changing in my heart...
-- My car: Always thankful for my safe lil car. It gets me to and from with fairly good gas mileage.
-- Friends: Where would I be without my friends?! I don't get to see them as much as I would like, but I feel incredibly blessed to have them in my life. They are patient, kind, always have a listening ear, and make the dreary times bright again.
-- For the roof over my head: This is something I need to remind myself of everyday. There are lots and lots of people in the world that do not have this blessing.
-- The fact that I don't go hungry for days: Also something that is lacking in the world... I am so blessed to always have what I need.

Yes, I could write days on end about the blessings in my life. As I tell the students, even in the hardest of times, there is always something to be grateful for. Sometimes it is difficult to see and appreciate but those blessings are there....

Today We Remember

Remember [re mem ber]

1) to recall to the mind by an act or effort of memory; think of again

2) to retain in the memory; keep in mind; remain aware of

~

This is the post that everyone is writing about today, rightfully so. It is incredibly difficult writing about this horrific event that happened in the United States, just 10 years ago. There are no words that are quite fitting for describing this significant time. 

On the television this evening there was a special that described the terrorist attack events through the perspective of the firefighters. Their stories along with the images were so profound. What makes me so sick is that while so many thousands of innocent people died at the time, others are still dying from that awful day. Sadly, many firefighters are now dying from serious diseases and multiple cancers. Not only that but these heroes- firefighters and paramedics have dealt with serious PTSD since 9/11. These amazing men and women have endured mental and physical torture since then. Watching this documentary on tv was a good reminder that while this act of terrorism happened 10 years ago, so many are still suffering. 

~

I see the world so much differently than I did 10 years ago. When I looked back in my personal journals I was reminded of how much I was just a 14 year old, a new high school student, entering the 9th grade. Not only that but I was (and still) living in Oregon... 3,000 miles away. While I did write briefly about 9/11 and expressed some empathy-- I really didn't "get it" at the time. I was so much more consumed with my own "trials" as a hormonal teenager than as someone who truly cared about my fellow human beings.

Though I didn't express myself well in writing, I do remember being that young disoriented high school student waking up for another day in the school year. I remember sitting at the kitchen table in my PJs with unbrushed rumpled hair and eating cereal. I sat there as usual reading the cereal box and staring off into la-la land as I attempted to get my eyes to function and attempting to get myself to feel more alert...

I did feel somewhat odd that morning as I had a bizarre dream shortly before I woke up. This is something which I have not spoken about much as I haven't wanted people to accuse me of making it up. However, as it has stuck with me for all these years and I am fairly intuitive, I know it was a legitimate dream. So, before I woke up on that ironically beautiful September day... I dreamed of something unusual than all other dreams. In my sleep I saw a black screen with several neon green circles- like that of a air traffic controller's monitor. On that screen I saw two green lines parallel to each other. Then at one point, one small neon green line started to come towards those two parallel lines. 

Now, I understand.

I wouldn't say that I am able to foretell of events but I somehow had that vision that night. It wasn't until quite sometime after 9/11 that I realized what I had dreamed about. And as I said earlier, it is not something I talk openly about but on that morning, I felt very strange. The oddness of the dream certainly contributed to me feeling groggy as I shoveled the cereal into my mouth.

Not long after I had been eating breakfast, Dad came into the kitchen and announced that one of the World Trade Centers had been hit by a plane. At the time I had no idea what the WTC was and assumed it was an accident. That is also what my mom had assumed too- we didn't realize until we saw the news that it was a passenger plane that had hit one of the buildings. 

We immediately turned on the news and were stunned with what we saw happening. I remember being so confused and not comprehending anything. It took me a little bit to realize that the country was being attacked. 

Somehow in the midst of watching the news I managed to get myself ready for the day. Much of the day is blurry but I remember that when I got to school I felt so alone. Everything was eerily quiet and there was a sense of panic. Not only did I feel uncomfortable for what I knew was happening in the world, but I still had the challenge of trying to find the right classroom! 

The whole day at school was spent discussing the attacks and watching the news. I remember being in my first class and hearing about one of the planes hitting a location in Washington. Of course at the time, and feeling so scared, I assumed it was Washington State. Someone kindly corrected me and said it was Washington D.C. I remember feeling so fearful and vulnerable. We all wondered: What is going to happen next?

Walking home from school that day felt strange and lonely. The roads were quiet, the sky was quiet, the birds even seemed hidden away... I remember walking much faster that day, anxious to get into the safety of my house. On my walk home two fighter jets flew over and thankfully, I knew they were US forces protecting the country. I said out loud, "thank you." I watched them fly far away...

~

The rest of that day I can't remember but I know I spent plenty of time watching the news, as it recounted the days' events- people running, yelling, screaming, planes crashing, fire, seeing the towers fall, tears, massive clouds of debris and dust, flags everywhere... 

As I have seen these images again today I look at them with a much differently than I did as a 14 year old teenager. Today I look at the faces of these people, these precious human beings, and it makes my heart break. I can't help but be choked up seeing these pictures of pain and even of those of healing. I am touched, too, when I see pictures of perfect strangers giving a hand to another in need. This is the consistent storyline in the 9/11 events - the day which all Americans united. It's sad that this day is what brought people together, but in some ways, the small idealistic part in me likes to think that we are always this way. We just tend to share it more in times of trial- and for this reason, this is why it is good for us to remember. Not to only remember those that have fallen and sacrificed, but to remember that we have each other. Sappy sounding but true. A reminder that the distance from one another isn't so far at all.

To conclude my little contribution, that is now part of this large tapestry of stories, it is only appropriate that I express my thankfulness. I mentioned earlier that so many individuals are still suffering today from this tragedy.  We have firefighters suffering from diseases (along with other heroes) and cancers, and then there are those that have selflessly sacrificed their lives overseas. So, I am saying thank you to all military servicemen and women, those that protect us in the US, and to their families who also have sacrificed so much. 

Our lives are forever changed and for thousands, incredibly so. Today we remember. Nunca olvidaremos. We will never forget.

--

Image

A Bad Day That Got Turned Around

~

Yesterday was just one of those days...

I woke up to low-level droopy clouds, damp ground, and stickiness in the air. Not my favorite kind of day. I am not fond of days like that because I feel boxed-in and a little claustrophobic. I need the sunshine desperately!

Anyway.... so that didn't help. I also had been woken up from the sounds of my mom hollering to my sister about the cats - they were trying to coordinate with them and were making lots of ruckus....

Then another irritating thing happened after another and within a few hours of waking up, I was in a nasty mood. I typically am not an angry person and don't get super cranky, but man... oh man... I did not feel good yesterday.  All I wanted was out of my house and away from everything that was driving me crazy.

Part of my annoyed mood was that I had hoped to get my laundry done (seriously needed to do that!) and I am doing two ESOL courses online. I needed time and space for both of those, but could not get it...

I got myself ready for the day and around noon I gathered my stuff and left.

I went to the library- no, I didn't quite run away, though the thought of it was enticing. ;-) I breathed a sigh of relief once I sat down at a table and got myself organized. However, just as I was starting on an assignment someone very dear to me showed up. :) We didn't know that each other would be at the library at the time, and funny enough, he couldn't find a seat farther down so had to check out the area where I was. He didn't expect to see me there (though I thought he came my direction because I had sent a text 5 minutes prior to seeing him haha). So anyway, he sat next to me and we both worked on our own things. I started to feel a little better...

After doing a few hours of work, we decided to take a walk around the park. Much to my surprise and happiness, the sunshine came out and I felt it on my face. Mmm... That was just what I needed. I felt a lot better getting some fresh air...

I had to get home before 6 because I had my belly dance class with my neighbor-friend. Let me tell you, there's a lot to be said about dancing the day away. You may look silly, mess up multiple times, and struggle to get the right movements (even after multiple times of practice! haha)... but it is a great release. My neighbor and I laughed with each other quite a bit. We also were brave in being in the front row last night! I wasn't sure about that but it ended up being okay. The thing is, no one is really watching you in those classes. Everyone is attempting to their best and having a good time as well. I enjoyed being in the class full of ladies and our teacher is amazing. My teacher is Sedona-- who is popular in the belly dance world. She's won lots of awards and does tons of shows. I'd love to see her perform one of these days!

When dance class was over I went to my cousin's house for a family BBQ. I had a tasty burger, a healthy glass of Oregon Blossom wine, and enjoyed the company of my family.

So the day started out bad and got worse... and then it slowly dissolved and got better. Thank goodness! And today is alright...

~

P.S. This is my 100th blog post! Kinda cool.. yeah I'm a nerd ;-)

Beginning of Summer Pictures

I said I would add these "tomorrow" to my post about the first day of summer... and here it is 2 days later. Oh well! I also didn't edit them or anything...

So many colors and shapes during this lovely season :)

Refreshing Day!

Oh wow, today was wonderful. Just the perfect day! One I have been needing for weeks now.

My friend Jennifer and I spent the day together downtown Portland at a great place called NW 23rd. It's a street filled with fun shops that are modern, chic, and some are even eco-friendly/organic. I had a blast hanging out with her and loved the change of scenery.

What also made the day great was that we FINALLY had a day of no rain and some sunshine. It's been a miracle. haha Today is also the day we finally got to 60 degrees. Let me tell you, it felt great! The nickname for today should be "Breakthrough." (If you're a weather nerd and want to know exactly how glorious this day has been, check out the stats I'm posting at the very bottom of this post)

I drove us down to NW Portland and attempted to find parking on a side street. Unfortunately, it was a little too crowded so we parked in a paid parking lot. While it seemed nuts to spend $8 on an all day parking permit it was certainly worth it. I was happy to ditch the car and get on with the fun stuff!

Our first stop was at Lush, a bath and body store. Lush has lots of great products that are fresh and handmade. I love how they're full of organic goodness and humanitarian. You can their website here (this link goes to the main website-- that way you can click on which country you're from. Neat that they are all over the world!). 

After spending some time in Lush we walked up the street to go to the MAC makeup store (a total opposite of Lush in terms of organic goodness haha). Jennifer was interested in the makeup there and was able to have one of the store ladies try some eyeshadow on her. I had fun watching the lady beautify Jennifer and of course enjoyed looking at the makeup. Since I already have plenty of makeup I wasn't tempted to buy any, but it was certainly fun to see all sorts of colors and products.

Once we were done at MAC I was craving something tasty to eat. We walked down to one of the gelato shops, Mio Gelato. I got a bowl with two flavors, roasted almond (I think it's what it was called, it was something almond) and Dulce de Leche. Mmmm mmmm good. Jennifer got some gelato sorbet, which looked delicious. I'm so glad we stopped there. A very NW 23rd-ish thing to do! There's so many good places to eat there that it would be a shame not to stop at one of them.

After the gelato stop we walked up the street to some of the clothing stores and then stopped in another make up shop along the way. We spent some time in the makeup shop. They had lots of great trinkets in addition to their makeup products. I actually found some good smelling candles that were packaged nicely. I didn't buy them but am considering going there in the future when I need to give a little gift to someone.

Next we went to Urban Outfitters and spent some time checking out the clothing and accessories. There was a pair of earrings that I liked but I couldn't get myself to spend $12 on them. ;-) 

We decided to head home after looking at the clothing store-- so that was our fun day downtown! A perfect Spring day... so uplifting and lovely. :) 

~~~

Now for the nerdy part-- but I must note this because it's pretty crazy. Perhaps these weather stats are related to my slump (I think I'm no better than a wilty flower when we have days on end without sunshine). I got these stats from a KGW news article, which you can find here.

• Portland also finished March with 29 days of measurable rain during March, breaking the old record for 27 days of rain in March.
• Portland also wiped out its record for consecutive days of measurable rain. The old record was only 16 days. On Tuesday, Portland had recorded 23 straight days of measurable precipitation.
• By early Wednesday, March 2011 had also earned the distinction of being the fifth-rainiest on record, with 6.49 inches recorded at PDX Airport.
• In 1989, 6.73 inches of rain fell in the city. Portland's wettest March had 7.52 inches of rainfall back in 1957.
• Before this year, March 27 was the latest into the year before reaching the 60-degree point. (This year makes it the 31st, sheesh)

I Am Thankful

I originally started to write a post on a completely different topic, and then I thought... No, I need to be more positive. I've been in a rather large slump in these past few months. I feel like this year has been one of the weirdest yet and it's only March. I think I understand the phrase, "off kilter" more than ever. Perhaps this is a character building year...

Anyway, I think one way to get myself feeling better is to focus on things I am thankful for. I have been blessed with so much and I need to acknowledge those good things.

To do so I'm going to use one of my favorite writing forms, lists!

I Am Thankful For

* My part-time job... Though I have complained about it some recently, it truly is a huge blessing. It's given me financial peace and good experience working with people.

*My substituting jobs... So thankful to have opportunities to teach! I love it when I can be teacher for the day. I've had some great days so far this year.

*All of my friends, near and far... I really don't have the words to say how thankful I am for such good friends. They make me smile, let me cry, rant, laugh like crazy, and be down right silly. They make me want to be better person and they also accept me for who I am.

*My family... So thankful for the family members I'm close to. They are so supportive, understanding, and full of good advice when I need it. I also love the times when we get together and do what we do best-- laugh! They've impacted me in so many ways and constantly remind me of staying strong when it's the last thing I want to do.

*The roof over my head... This is something I don't think about often as I have never known any different. I am so incredibly blessed to be able to live in a home that has clean running water, a comfortable bed, and a room all my own. There are so many people in the world today who would do anything to have these things. My heart breaks for all those people, especially those in Japan. I can't imagine. Their whole lives are upside down.

*My cute car... So grateful for my mom allowing me to use one of the cars whenever I want. Not only is it cute but it's kept me safe and is easy to drive around.

*My new furry friend, Cheese Puff. He's been a wonderful comfurrrrrter. He's a great cat and I love how he snuggles in my bed with me.

*Being able to read... I've thoroughly enjoyed reading more these days. I'm currently reading a fascinating autobiography, Leap of Faith: Memoirs of an Unexpected Life by Queen Noor of Jordan. It's been very eye-opening and has given me a different perspective on the Middle East.

*Being healthy... So thankful to have pretty good health. On occasion I get sick but for the most part I'm a healthy person. That's something I should never take for granted. So many in the world are suffering from horrendous diseases and cancer.

*My Granny... Very blessed to have her still with us, especially after breaking her two legs last year. She is an amazing woman and deserves a grand celebration for her 100th birthday this year.

*My wonderful new Canon camera... I am loving taking pictures with it! So fun to capture memories with a whole new rig.

*And of course, most importantly, I am so thankful for my Savior. He's there for me no matter what-- He knows I struggle, He knows my heartbreaks, my joys, and all that's in between. He knew me long before I ever existed. And He thought of me when He paid the ultimate sacrifice, dying for my sins on the cross. I am so thankful-- for my amazing Creator of Heaven and Earth. For all that He is.

*There are many other things I'm thankful for but this is just what I'm going to list for now. When I think of these things, I suddenly start to feel a lot lighter. Remembering what I'm thankful for helps me to snap out of my funk and breathe a little deeper. Ahh.... I need to read over this list every day!

What are you thankful for?!

A Letter to 2010

We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day. ~Edith Lovejoy Pierce

It's a little distracting to write this evening, but I felt like I ought to bid 2010 adieu in proper blogger form. Oh... what a year it has been! And boy did it fly by so quickly. Lots of changes, new experiences, intrapersonal growth, interpersonal discoveries, new understandings of God's Word, challenges, goodbyes, victories, and all sorts of fun.

I'm going to write a little letter to this year-- yes it isn't a person, nor a tangible thing.. but sometimes personalization is good. It's the grown up form of "pretend." :) Tonight its purpose is not only just for the heck of it but also as a way to create closure and allow for a fresh beginning...
~
Two thousand and ten, my friend, you've been alright. You could have been better but I won't complain-- I enjoyed all your seasons... the crisp cool Winter months, the beautiful Spring flowers, delightful warm Summer days, and the vivid Fall colors... yes you were a pretty one.

I loved those days of being immersed in the nature. I thoroughly enjoyed running through the rain, feeling the sun beat on my back, and breathing it all in. I loved those quiet moments of being outside. Just me, God and His perfect creation. Two thousand and ten, you had some wondrous quiet moments.

When possible, I also loved taking pictures of your colors. God made you a beauty. No doubt about that!

Yes, you were good yet I think you were truly the epitome of "tough love." The lessons I learned through you were not always pleasant but they surely had their benefits. As we circled around the earth, one day at a time, I gradually found my voice and finally discovered more of my individuality. Fighting through the battles of anxiety... I made it. A breakthrough that seemed so impossible years ago. It's been a long journey, through many ups and downs, but I finally made it... without drugs or superficial forms of help... I conquered that part of myself naturally and through many many hours of hard work. Sweet victory. Only by God's grace was I ever able to get this far-- He allowed me to never give up.

Because of that, I can finally stand on my own two feet.

Two thousand and ten, you were an ironic one at that. In your year, I witnessed one of my dearest role models recover from falling twice. She refused to give up though the road to being strong again seemed so out of reach. It would have been easy to let go of the strings of life, but she didn't. Though she couldn't physically stand on her two feet, her spirit could. God gave her the strength she needed to keep moving on. I am so grateful.

Dearest two thousand and ten, you taught me a lot in so many areas of life... and you also had some good changes. I discovered the joys of networking and substituting. I was surprised with how much I liked substituting. I loved how it helped me smooth the rough edges in my teaching. Not only that but I realized from substituting how much I am meant for teaching-- that's what I'm meant to do.

In addition, this year I finally chose a grad school and started it in August. That same month I unexpectedly got a part-time job at a lovely little store... all from walking in with my mom and saying "it must be fun to work here!" This retail job couldn't have come at a better time-- I was so worried and stressed at that point. I thought the springs were going to dry up, but thankfully, God did not allow them to. Instead they were filled to more than what I needed. Everything was okay and peaceful...

Oh year, you were something. You really were. You had great big moments and wonderful little ones as well. For all those times, good and bad... and somewhere in between, I am so blessed. I'm thankful for the sadness, anger, laughter, tears, cheers, and all the other emotions I experienced. Sometimes exhausting and sometimes uplifting. It was all worth it.

A favorite time of the year was without a doubt the football season. I will never forget the feeling of winning over the tyrant, the Crusaders. What a wonderfully perfect night. The victory was amazing but what I will remember the most was the oneness with the team and the supporting crowd. We were one- it didn't matter who was there, as long as they were there to cheer on the Warriors. And at the end we all met on the field where the win happened. All of us together.

The sentiment was the same at the best game ever, the state championship game: the Warriors versus the Timberwolves. I didn't care who I sat next to-- it didn't matter...the only thing that did matter was that I was sitting next to a fellow Warrior fan. We were all in that game together-- a true community. Particularly in that game, I won't forget how focused the team was and the crowd's enthusiasm. I knew from the moment I got to my seat that we could totally win. And from the first play I could sense it: focus. We weren't going to lose to the Wolves twice... no, this was our title.. This was our time. And so it was. I would go back to that day any day.

The only thing is if I went back to that day I would have to experience the feeling of bittersweet. One part of that day I won't forget is the sweetness and sadness. The state game was the last game for the senior football players. Such a grand way to leave the season-- a mark that will be forever in the school's history. However, it is also the end of a glorious era.. those boys will never play together again. All those years, from youth football to then... all those years of being together are over. Bittersweet. If I had to go back to that day, which I would, I would have to feel that little ache in my heart for all those boys. I know that bittersweet feeling all too well... the happiness of accomplishment and the pain of it being all over....

Oh, two thousand and ten, it is good to look back on all that we've experienced together.

I'm so glad for the times with my family and friends. For the random people that have crossed through my life. For that hand I held. For all those hugs and smiles throughout the year. For all those firsts and lasts...

Two thousand and ten, I know I could write about you for quite awhile. After all, we've been through 365 days... Twelve months. January 1st to December 31st. We are coming to an end. Only a few more hours left.

From sunrise to sunset, you were good.

Now to move on and to prepare the way for a brand new year. My new friend, Two thousand and eleven.

Thank you again, two thousand and ten for all that you taught me. I've learned lessons in humility, patience, and perseverance. I will never forget you and will carry your memories in my heart.

Welcome two thousand and eleven, welcome... I am ready to start fresh.
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Blessings to all of you. I pray that this New Year brings you joyful times and strength in the difficult ones. :) Cheers!