An Accomplishment

Credit: Carolyn Cochrane via her Etsy shop

This week I had the opportunity to conquer something that has given me some anxiety. While it is not a big deal to some, it was and has been to me.

On Tuesday afternoon, my boyfriend had an appointment at a hospital on the other side of the city. Since he was also getting lab work done he had to fast for 12 hours. When I met him at work he said he was feeling okay but not great and we decided that it would be best if I drove. I had known this was potentially going to happen so I had been mentally preparing myself (and yes worrying haha).

I will say I was quite nervous, to the point of feeling like my mouth was full of cotton and I had a multitude butterflies in my tummy. I had no choice though. I knew I had to do get over some of these fears/anxieties:

-- fear of driving on big freeways/merging/lane changing
-- fear of driving with a male other than my father (years ago I drove with a critical male and I absolutely  hated it)
-- not only did I have to drive to these appointments but had to sit through them as well. So also my anxiety of hospitals/medical stuff had to be challenged as well.

Yeah silly sounding I am sure, but these things have weighed me down. We all have weaknesses, right?

In regards to driving, Brian was an excellent passenger and was calming (as he is for me in general). He was able to direct me how to do each part. I also tried my best to think about it like subbing "one chunk at a time." Luckily, I was familiar with the freeways from our trips this summer (all but one) but just had not done them myself before. The traffic wasn't too bad either on both ways so that greatly helped me to breathe a little bit. I was so relieved to get to the hospital and then to get back on our side of town!

His appointments weren't too bad either thankfully and I was able to manage fine. Brian really appreciated me being there for him and so I am glad I was able to give him some peace.

As for the whole experience, I was able to get through my anxieties and found that the driving wasn't so bad after all. I felt so relieved after it was over with -- now, I feel more confident. It's great to be able to tell myself that I can do things that I feel are difficult and am capable of overcoming. This year has really been teaching me how to break through the limits I have placed on myself.

Along with all of this I feel even closer to Brian. He has been very good for me and to me. Ever since we got together he has pushed me outside of my comfort zone (in healthy ways - we are fairly like minded individuals). He's helped me to grow in positive ways. I'm stronger because of him - not because I haven't been on my own but he has made me better. I'm so blessed and honored to be with him and cherish each day we're together.

It's been a good week so far. Hope all of you are getting stronger too by one step at a time or chunk. However you prefer. ;-)

Changes Ahead

As I sit here I am listening to the swaying trees and swirling leaves rustle around outside. Grateful that the house is filled with light from the sunshine. Today truly feels like Fall. 

This windy change in weather makes me a bit apprehensive, however. While I might sound crazy -- I feel these distinct days are a sign of future changes in life. There have been several times in my life where the weather has changed suddenly (typically blustery and/or stormy) and I feel it in my core: something is not going to be the same in the near future. And it does. Most notably was my breakup with my first boyfriend in 2007. Around that time there was gusty, cold, dark and gray weather. As the wind blew all around me, I felt like life was chaotic just as the weather was then. My intuition was right in knowing life wasn't going to be the same.

Unlike that time, today is not dark and dreary but it feels bittersweet. While I could be wrong (I hope that I am), my intuition is alerting me again. Why? My boyfriend's father is getting a biopsy on a lung this afternoon. I feel somewhat hopeful but yet worried all at the same time. After what we have been through this summer, I know so well how fast everything can change. It's like sand. You can hold those minuscule particles tightly in the palm of your hand, but at some point a few start to fall through the cracks of your fingers... then a few more...That sense of security/stability can be gone within a matter of weeks. What can be so close to us can be gone ever so quickly. We have so little control on what happens to us and others. With that said, my heart is a bit heavy today.

----

On another note of change...

Here it is: I am thinking of a new direction in the education field. Several months ago, a doctor of speech pathology gave a presentation to a class a I was in. Ever since then I have not been able to stop thinking about that profession. Of course, these thoughts come at the end of my nearly completed Master's degree in Education (which has skyrocked my debt - just found out how much I owe the 'gov munt' yesterday)... 

The truth is, I feel like I don't belong in the mainstream public education classroom. After 2+ years of subbing, I have found that the mainstream room is confining. Don't get me wrong, I do love teaching and I love children but I lack passion in both in the public system. There is a lot of good that goes on, but I also see so many areas that aren't right. I also have found that I prefer to work with specific groups of children versus a variety. I think that is what led me to getting my ESOL endorsement. I discovered how much I enjoyed helping ELLs and see a real need to advocate for them. When I did my ESOL practicum, I felt a new sense of joy and passion for teaching, which I had nearly lost. I would love to my own ELL classroom and maybe someday I will. Next year if I am lucky.

Along with my love of ELL students, I have become curious about speech. Here's a fun fact about me: I am obsessed with people's mouths. My intermediate family knows this -- and I probably gained interest in mouths due to my sister (I love her cute way of talking, she has a unique emphasis on the /s/ and /ch/ sounds). When I watch TV or meet people anywhere, I am quite observant with how they talk and produce sounds. I love the different shapes of mouths, the way teeth can be arranged, and the physical aspect of how speech is created. 

Where does all this leave me then? Well, if I do decide to go for my Master's in SLP I will have to commit to about 3 years of schooling. I have looked at two universities (one being where I am going now) and there is much work to be done. It would challenge me in all kinds of ways. However, I have a decent amount of debt to pay as it is and more schooling = more debt. 

Since I am still in the deciding phase, I am doing what I can to get information from professionals to see if it is  something I want to pursue. I contacted a SLP that I know at a school and am hoping she will allow me to observe her. So.... we shall see where all this leads me. 

A near-future goal is to get some sort of full time job (even temporary, 6 months would be great) and work hard at paying down my debt. What kind of a job, who knows. I am hoping to sub as much as possible this year but am pretty sure this year will not be as lucrative. Basically, life is TBD. As usual though, right?! 

All I know is that my heart has changed towards education and I need to be enthusiastic about what I do. I want to help kids in some way shape or form. I'm glad that my feelings there haven't changed. I just hope that whatever I do, I am happy doing it because kids need as much positive input as possible. 

So, those are the thoughts on my mind on this Fall day. A heavy heart and a mind full of thoughts. I'm going to take a cue from the sunshine and have hope.

Like an Anchor (Part II)

To continue on with this roller coaster ride....

Down -- June to July: Unfortunately, in between and during the time I went with Brian to Spokane, my young kitty was not doing so well. She started having some serious issues and we could not figure out what was wrong with her. They came on suddenly and were "fixed" for a brief amount of time. We took her to our vet and an emergency vet twice -- neither could pinpoint the issue. So that was very stressful and sad! (Also I must note that I was doing summer school in the month of June; very exhausting time)

Down-- July: A dear family member had to go out of town for job purposes and will be gone for awhile. :(

Down-- July 22nd: On this day my mom had to get surgery for a hernia. Crazy thing, she was exercising in the early morning and soon after did not feel good at all. Her abdomen swelled up and we knew that it was most likely a hernia. She contacted her doctor and in the afternoon we headed to go to see her. Her doctor quickly set up a surgery appointment with a hospital downtown and by evening, Mom was in surgery. While it was a fairly hectic day I didn't worry too much. I knew that the surgery was routine and felt confident Mom was in good hands. Thankfully all turned out okay and her body has healed fine. Whew. (and last year about the same time she broke her wrist while on a walk with co-workers haha)

Up -- August: Took girl cat to an internist and he found out the problem quickly! Yippie! He found that she has Inflammatory Bowel Disease and it is treatable. So lots of money later.... haha Guess her 'formal name' has real meaning now: Coco Chanel. We love her dearly and are thrilled she is a healthy cat! That was a huge relief as we were leaving for SoCal soon.

Up-- mid August: On the 11th to the 17th I went with my mom and sister to Southern California. We went first for a cousin's wedding and then stayed to go to Disneyland, a Hollywood tour and to Universal Studios. This was certainly not a restful vacation but it was very enjoyable.

My cousin's wedding was a blast (the above picture is from that day) and a beautiful experience. I was able to take lots of good wedding pictures and loved being out in a true Southern California setting, a summer day in Newport Beach/Bay. It was also so good to see him happy -- he has been through quite a bit over the years and it's great that he has found someone he is compatible with.

Disneyland & tours were super fun too! Believe it or not but as a 25.5 year old, I had never been to Disneyland before. As a kid I had no interest in going (yeah yeah.. have been told I was 3 going on 21) and still haven't been too interested, but am so glad I had the opportunity. On the first day Mom and I rode 5 rides (mind you, that stayed mostly horizontal, I do not like actual roller coasters or scary rides): a carousel, It's a Small World, Jungle Ride, Mark Twain boat ride and Pirates of the Caribbean. Each night that we were in Anaheim we watched the Disneyland fireworks. For two nights we were at the actual park and saw how epic they were and then the last 2 nights we watched from our hotel. Loved, loved, loved the fireworks!  Oh and I did get to see Princess Ariel. I wasn't able to get my picture with her but I sure tried. The lil girl in me was happy anyhow. :)

Hollywood tour was awesome! That was a very long tour but I got to see so much: Hollywood Walk of Fame, "Kodak" Theater, Hard Rock Cafe LA, freeway ramp where the famous scene from "Speed" was filmed, Hollywood sign (from a distance but good view), Farmers Market at the Grove (where I shopped at Zara!! A Duchess of Cambridge store!), Rodeo Drive, Venice Beach (just like PDX but with less laws haha), and Santa Monica/ Pier (where I got to finally eat Pinkberry Fro Yo). Big big day!

Universal Studios was alright. It was a super hot day and very very crowded. Yes, I am thankful I went but it was just one of those "I'd rather be in the pool" days. I did go on the tram which was pretty interesting and got to see "Wisteria Lane" from "Desperate Housewives." That was really neat! The rest of the time I waited for Mom and Sarah while they went on some rides. I hung out at the City Street Mall area, which had lots of good stores. Then after awhile I wondered around Universal-- that gave me the chance to see Mr. Beans car from his "Holiday" movie. Love Mr. Bean! On the last part of the day I did watch Mom and Sarah on the Jurassic Park ride -- saw them at the end where they dropped a fast 84 ft. That was funny!

On that Friday we three parted ways.... I was sad to not be with my sis anymore but was so glad she had spent the week with us.

Down: Shortly after the trip we learned that Granny had not been doing too well. During the trip she had fallen (thankfully didn't hurt herself seriously) and then she fell again at her house. She had about a week or so of not being 'right.' While she is 101 it was still disturbing to have any of these issues occur and there is probably going to be a change of her living situation in the near future....

Up and then super steep Down-- August 23rd: After feeling good about completing a 5k with my mom at a work race I was looking forward to a relaxing evening at home with my feet up. However, in the evening my dad called and he didn't sound right. He asked me if I could come over and bring him to our house because he was feeling very exhausted and weak. Immediately, I felt like something was wrong and asked him a bunch of questions-- my first guess was a heart attack. In all honesty, I have been concerned about his health for the past 5 years. While I haven't wished for anything bad to happen, I have felt like there has been the potential. Anyhow, I got myself ready and went to his apartment...meanwhile, Mom was on the other side of town getting us dinner. When I got to his place I instantly knew we had to get help but I wasn't totally sure what to do. What sold it for me was his droopy face on one side -- a stroke. He didn't have good balance, he slurred and he seemed 'off' cognitively. When I saw his face I literally yelled and was like "Dad!!! Your FACE! Can you FEEL your FACE?! Can you FEEL your ARMS?" I completely panicked (and when it counted!ha!). There was part of me that thought I was crazy and made it up, but my intuition was right. As fast as I could I got him into my car and we went to urgent care. Within like a minute of signing him in they saw him and soon got an ambulance. In hindsight, I probably should have called 911 but it all worked out. I got him help and that was the important part. Also, I know that God was watching out for everything and put the right people in place for the whole process. My friend who is an RN in the ER at the nearby hospital ended up being on his call. When Mom and I got to the ER I told her "Oh! Mom Joy works here!" and within a second of saying so she came out and whisked us away to dad's room. Such a blessing. Dad was int he hospital for two days and then stayed at our house for recovery. Thankfully he is doing much better but does have some noticeable changes. We are so lucky it wasn't any worse and hope that future strokes can be prevented.

Up-- August 25th & 26th: Brian's brother and SIL came to town with stuff from his mom's apartment. They took items to their sister's home and then came over to this part of town to deliver things for Brian. I hung out with all of them Saturday evening, which was a great way for me to relax some. Then on Sunday Brian, his brother, SIL and I spent most of the day together. It was so much fun being with them! I really love his family.

Up and then another steep Down -- September 6th: My family and I decided to go to the beach for a day and hang out with family members who were already there. The day started out awesome-- beautiful sunshine from here to the coast, easy/fast drive, lots of fun chatter on the way there and a wonderful morning talking with everyone. Then about mid morning we all wanted to go down to the beach and see what was going on. We sat on the beach for a little bit and then had fun putting our feet in the water. My aunt and Brian wanted to climb the cape so I went along with them. I really did not feel like going that day as the sand was hot and I was not prepared (it's a very steep climb)...but I figured oh well it's a gorgeous day and it will be worth it. Plus, Brian had never been on the cape. Anyway, we took some time getting up (except for my aunt she is in shape!) and I felt so-so... and when I got to the first ridge I felt winded. Brian felt that way too but 10x worse than me. After my aunt went down the hill, I noticed that Brian was getting worse and worse-- there was little color on in his face. Within a few seconds, he leaned back (fainting) and then his body started to convulse (and his eyes were open - absolutely terrifying to see). I started to yell for help and water -- now I was super super super panicked and freaking out. Thankfully there were amazingly helpful people on the cape and a God thing -- there was a medic and two nurses who came to his aid. The one gal tried to calm me down so I could call 911. I called them and help did come fairly quickly. They were able to get Brian off the hill, got fluids in him and then we rode an ambulance to a hospital. He was able to recover well and we weren't in the ER long. Mom and Dad picked us up from there and we went home... Oh what a day. I am just SO thankful he is okay. You just never know when the "fit" will hit the "shan."

Since that last drama everything has been fairly good.... Though recently Brian found out his dad hasn't been doing too well so we are hoping for the best. Ahh....

I recently went in and had a check up with my doctor. We had a good talk and she made a comment that will stick with me and I can draw upon it when I am feeling weak, "The beauty in all this is... it has happened outside of you... You have been like the anchor."

I hadn't thought of it like that and I honestly have never had be that way before. An anchor. I like that. I hope I never forget how strong I have had to be this summer. I also hope that there is a long road ahead of peace.

Ups, Downs and So Much Stronger

While I had high hopes for 2012 being a better year, it has basically been a continuation of the previous year. Since the very first day, this year has been challenging but also a wonderful learning experience. I feel incredibly grateful for the growth I have made in this year and even in the past few months. I have become stronger because of everything I have experienced. I will admit, I have had my fair share of anxiety and moments where all I could was try to cling to the present. I've learned that just because you have weakness doesn't mean you aren't capable of being strong. Your strength is known when you have no other choice but to be that way. On a daily basis it is easy to struggle but when you are put to the test that is when all is revealed. Maybe you've always been powerful -- you just didn't know it.

I don't think that finding ones strength has to necessarily come from the cost of a hardship on another. I think it these times just force us to find that deeply embedded inner courage. Further, as I believe: for every bad circumstance or heartache there is always something good.

[ I really hope I don't sound arrogant or melodramatic. I'm not trying to exaggerate either. I'm simply writing from my stream of subconscious and my heart. Trying to gather all the events that have happened in one place is like herding 10 cats! I have all of these different directions I can go and ways to organize my thoughts, so this is just how it is all coming out on here.... ]

So, back to what I was saying: yes, there have been quite a few downs this year but I have also experienced much joy. I feel a sense of peace with my friendships/relationships and particularly the romantic one I am in. While I feel mixed in saying so, it has been good to see the true colors and reality of other relationships/people. The goodness in that comes from knowing I have solid friendships/relationships in my life. I have also made several new friends that add happiness to my life. Cliche - maybe but oh so true: when one door closes, another one opens. I'd like to think it's the window that opens though.

As best I can, I will describe recent events that have led me to this point. My guess is I'll need to do a part 2 post. ;-)

Down/Mixed: After Mother's Day my boyfriend learned that his mom had pancreatic and liver cancer. We ended up going to Spokane to visit her 4 times throughout the summer -- we went every two weeks. Through this time I learned how to use my voice and to advocate for myself. Ironically, from all of this, my relationship with my mother started to heal and grow. While I wish the circumstances could have been different I am grateful for this change, as it has also helped me to be more confident in my commitment.

I experienced many emotions during this time. Frankly, it was quite overwhelming and hard to process what I felt. I had the anxiety of meeting Brian's family and friends for the first time, and all that came with watching someone decline by the day.

I'll never forget meeting Brian's mom -- I felt humbled and in awe. Each time I saw his mom (and each visit after the first she was worse off; I met her first in her apartment and then the last few visits were in a nursing home), I felt a deep sense of calm from her presence. She was such a peaceful, gentle, sweet, sincere and quick witted woman. Even on the last visit, I felt extremely calm and just couldn't take my eyes off of her. She was absolutely beautiful even in suffering. It's almost hard to describe how it felt to see her on that last visit but she was graceful even in her last breathing days on earth.

My relationship with Brian really was molded even further during this heart wrenching time.We grew together  as this time further intertwined our lives.

As part of our relationship becoming more solid, I learned a lot about Brian. I got to see how he managed his emotions and learn just how close he was to his family. Basically, I got to see him in context. I saw him vulnerable, strong, gentle, compassionate and resilient. I learned more about who he was in context of the people he loves and that have been a part of his life for years. I got to see some of his old stomping grounds -- his roots. I got to see the shades of his personality: the boy and the man. In his eyes, I saw the boy who looked up to his mom and needed her. However, I also saw the man who gave his mom so much peace and joy.

What I'll remember for years to come was simply the fact that I got to meet the woman who loved my man for the very first time.

She passed away on July 20th. The memorial service was on August 5th at the church she had been attending. The pastor summed up her life sweetly (almost these words): "Jan's life was a reflection. A reflection causes you to look at something. She looked at Jesus for guidance and strength.... because she looked towards Jesus her life mirrored Him." Oh so true. What a beautiful woman.

I'm so thankful I had the opportunity to spend so much time with Brian's family. We stayed with his brother and sister-in-law each time we visited. They were so generous in letting us stay in their home and were great to be around. In the evenings we would BBQ, sit outside and enjoy the night. It was fun when his sister was there too (she lives in the same area as us) because her 2 year old son would chase the cat around the yard and provide us with a lot of entertainment. I consider Brian's family my new friends -- they are people I admire and love. I loved seeing how they put meaning into the word family. While I did see them work together in a hard time, I could tell that they had a great love for each other that had been there for years. I felt incredibly touched to be able to observe them and to participate in everything.

Those weekends were difficult mentally, emotionally and physically. I was worn out during these times and it was totally worth it. This quote stuck with me during this time, "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I ended up where I needed to be."

I could talk at length about everything but I will let this be the conclusion of this 'event.' I'll do another blog post for the other ups and downs of this summer. On to Part II....

Summer's Lingering Conclusion

"Live in each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each. Let them be your only diet drink and your botanical medicine." -- Henry David Thoreau

While taking a walk with Mom tonight, I couldn't deny the fact that the seasons are changing (and despite what the calendar says). In the Pacific Northwest, trees are slightly changing colors, there's a new cool in the air in the morning and evening, and there's that golden light that is cast over everything. Sounds tell me that the seasons are changing too -- just the same every year: I have been hearing sports practice, cheerleaders cheering and the band marching to its own tune. That's one of the joys of living right near a high school all your life; you know when school is out and when it is starting again soon. 

Maybe it's just due to the school year that this change of season is so prominent. There is so much emphasis on the introduction and conclusion of those 9 busy months. There's that sigh of relief and grasp of freedom when its all over and then the butterflies in your stomach when it is about to begin. Summer to Fall is a monumental change in that regard. The start of something new, different and potentially exciting. 

I don't think that the other seasonal changes are any less important. For me, I have a deep love of summer. I am always excited for its arrival. I love it simply for what it is (and what I hope for, being in the PNW doesn't guarantee an ideal summer anymore) -- sunshine, blue sky, fresh produce, farmer's markets, and various outdoor activities. Summer is a big hug and I can't get enough!

I'm trying to appreciate Summer's end and as one wise blogger mentioned last year, this in between period is almost a season to itself. There really is beauty in seeing the earth in a transformative state. Right now we are all on the edge...With that said, here are some pictures I took today:

Beautiful Double Delight roses - my favorite

My happy boy enjoying his catnip! He just loooooves the sunshine. I tell him to soak it up for the winter.

Some of the sounds we hear at home -- football games & practices

Wish the apples on our tree were edible but they sure are pretty to see

My mini pumpkins are quite prolific!

There are some changes in the land and sky as summer is nearing its end. Activities are changing and soon boys and girls will be gathering together in the hallways and classrooms.

Each season has its own joys and beauty but I'll always carry Summer in my heart. Truthfully, I am a bit sad about it ending this year. There was so much going on and lots of heavy emotional situations that I didn't get to appreciate summer as much. Perhaps its my own fault for not taking the time ;-) In any case, I will be more than happy to greet Summer again when she rolls around!

Here's to the seasons ahead -- let's drink them in as Thoreau tell us :)

Mid-Year Check Point on 2012 Goals

Technically, I should have done this post on June 1st as that was really the mid-year check point.... but technicalities aside, this works. I had to laugh when I saw that Bonnie at Going Home to Roost was thinking the same thing (this link will take you to her post). She posted her mid-point check recently and it was fun to see her progress. I feel like I have been doing fairly well in some areas and need to worker harder in others.

:: Goals for this year ::

1. Faith : Spend time reading the Bible and attend a few church services. -- I was fairly good at reading the Bible for 40 days of Lent but haven't done a good job of continuing that lately. 


2. Finances: Be mindful of money that is spent; be careful not to spend lots of money on little things that add up. Save as much as possible! -- There have been lots of unplanned expenses lately and I think I would do better if I wrote down everything. 

3. Giving: Donate to causes/ charities during the year. -- I need to get on this one! I would like to donate to Dinner & A Movie, CAT (Cat Adoption Team - where I got my one kitty), a charity for soldiers/veterans and maybe one or two others. 

4. Personal Style (somewhat funny to list this after the above goals, I know): Improve my wardrobe while being reasonable financially and sensible based on weather patterns in the PNW. If choosing to buy clothes, I will do so thoughtfully. -- Doing much better on this and I have been creative using new items with clothes I already have. Keep it up!

5. Health and Fitness: Try a variety of healthy foods and recipes. Make physical activity more of a priority- find some activity to enjoy consistently. -- Actually, on the food part, I am doing very well. I still have a bad bad habit of not eating lunch too often but I am trying. I also recently signed up for Zumba again and have that class tonight! I am looking forward to it!

6. Literacy: Read more than I did last year! (won't be hard lol) I have a giant stack of books on my nightstand. -- Now that school has settled down I can do this more. I just don't have the interest in reading much when I have school work. Unfortunately, that's just how my brain works! I've got a giant stack of good books on my nightstand and I'll be digging into them.

~

Big challenge of the year (and really my life): Seek the goodness in commitment. Learn how to make commitment positive, try to be less fearful of the word and its meaning. Try committing to something - even if it is small. Just try. -- Ironically, this is the one goal where I have made the most progress! While I am a bit 'gray scaled' on the others, I feel I have made leaps and bounds in meeting this goal. Being that it is a difficult one for me, it feels great to have grown so much. I have decided to fully enjoy my relationship with Brian. We have a wonderful relationship and it feels so good to now have our family be a part of it; I think that has helped me to be less fearful of commitment. I think if a relationship is healthy it should be shared with those you love and should include people most important to you. There is nothing better than having the support of those you love, support the one you love! Oh goodness, I sound mushy... haha Forgive me ;-) I just feel very happy and relieved in so many ways. 


How are your goals coming along? Where do you need to improve or continue good work? 

We've Come a Long Way

"Growth means change and change involves risk, stepping from the known to the unknown." -- Anonymous

Found via Pinterest on "Wake Up in France"

I knew this day was coming for the past few weeks and have had mixed feelings. Since the school year began, I have been working at the tutoring center Tuesday and Thursday evenings. I teach children of different ages, most of the time I instruct reading but also do some math. I really enjoy working with children in such an individual way and love being able to get to know them.

In January I started working with a middles school girl every Tuesday and Thursday. I didn't add up the hours tonight but I am sure that was about 75 +. We spent lots and lots of time together working on the craft of writing. She has lots of great ideas but struggles to get them on paper in an organized manner. She's smart, talented and extremely creative. With all these wonderful things to say about her, I have to tell you-- I didn't feel this way in the beginning. Sure, I knew my role was to help her improve her writing skills and to push her along. However, I didn't realize that we were in for a journey and that we would arrive at this point.

The first few hours I worked with this girl were some of the most frustrating moments I have had since student teaching. She had a poor attitude, did not want to be at the tutoring center, and frankly, could have cared less about me. She refused to do the assignments and preferred to read her dark humored descriptive anime comic books. Some nights she would muster up the "strength" to get one spelling page done and maybe scritch down a few words on the assigned essay. There were evenings she came in super depressed and would completely shut down. I found myself unsure of what to do and allowed her to throw her fits. I did everything I could to encourage her but I wasn't going to continue to fall into the power struggle. I felt defeated. I'm an elementary teacher! I had no idea what to do with a middle schooler! I had anxiety and low motivation to tutor during that time. Needless to say, the beginning hours were awful and I kept hoping she would not always be at my table.

The schedule did not change.

She kept being at my table and all I could do was learn to go with the flow. I learned to deal with her moods, which was much like dealing with typical Oregon weather. Unpredictable. So, I did the best I could in approaching her each evening.

Somewhere in the middle of all this she decided I wasn't so bad and maybe..... just mayyyyyybe.... tutoring wasn't so bad either. I have no idea when the shift of attitude occurred but it took a big weight off my shoulders.

Once she started being an active participant, we accomplished so much together. We created a healthy relationship and a routine. As soon as she arrived she knew she had to complete a spelling page and then we would work on writing an essay. She learned that I truly cared about her and believed in her. Oh, I was passionate about seeing her succeed! I learned how to communicate with her. I learned how to sincerely compliment her so she felt valued and respected. She wasn't invisible to me. 

One of my favorite parts of seeing her grow was her realization that she could be anything she wanted. She is a gifted writer and has many many interesting stories. I truly think she could be a book author someday, if that's what she desires. It's humbling to have been a part of this process; all of the ups and downs. I saw her potential and wanted her to see it too.
~
This was my last Tues/Thurs night schedule because of a conflict with my summer courses, which starts next week. I broke the news to middle school girl (as Shannan would say -- homegirl) and she responded with disappointment and proceeded to tell me this, "...I like you."

I told her I liked her too.

And "We've come a long way...."

Oh yes, we have. I do hope our paths cross again soon.

Thank you girl, you have made me infinitely richer than a millionaire for that compliment. That means more to me than you can possibly know.

Born to Fly

And how do you keep your feet on the ground

When you were born

You were born to fly, fly, fly, fly.... 

--Sara Evans

A week has gone by since the major change at our household. On Friday 4th, my little sister moved to be with her husband. I knew she would be moving at some point but when the day came it hit hard. After 20 years of living with my sister, it was strange to have the house weighted down by the quietness. We always laugh about my sister being the spice because she is full of chatter and spunk.

Now, she is on to life of being a soldier's wife. She has been anxiously awaiting this change. So, last Friday all her belongings were gathered, put inside a U-Haul truck, along with her beloved green chair, coffee table and the love seat.... and by noon, they were off.

Goodbyes came with floods of tears. I cried because I would miss the evenings watching TV with my sister and mom. I cried because I would miss hearing my sister's radio playing in the night and her usual loud kick on the wall with her leg while she sleeps (she has done that consistently for years and it always jolts me). I cried because I wouldn't see her everyday. I simply cried because this was a big milestone in our lives. The kind that makes you think, "How did we get here so fast?!" Those hit to the core because it reminds you how fast life continues to move along.

Tasty Cinnabon rolls as a moving treat

Wide open spaces -- Mom and I now have resorted to using a Igloo cooler for our coffee table.

Since moving out a week ago, my sister and her husband have gotten settled in their apartment. She's managed to cook him some meals and they have organized their belongings so it feels home-y. We've been enjoying getting pictures.

Home feels like a "new normal." The emptiness is still quite noticeable (doesn't help that half of the living room is not there!) but the sadness has dissipated. It's good to know that my sister is with D. Being that they have been married since December 31st, it is about time that they live together!

Someday it will be my turn to leave home but till then I am going to grow a garden, enjoy my kitties and hopefully redecorate my room one of these days. I am hoping for all kinds of adventures- big and small!

Enchanted

This is me praying that

This is the very first page

Not where the story line ends

My thoughts will echo your name

Until I see you again

These are the words I held back

As I was leaving too soon

I was enchanted to meet you

*

After looking through old emails with B, we determined that today made it a year since we met for coffee/tea. It's been a year of trying new food, going new places, and all kinds of fun. I wonder what the next adventures will be!

~

To explain the song lyrics above: this post is reminiscent of my middle and high school days. Perhaps I was inspired due to the middle schooler I have been tutoring for quite a few weeks. She's all about expressing herself through poetry and music. Sometimes it is good to live out our teenager ways! Also, I will be totally honest (slightly blushing here) but when B and I first started dating I would blast this song in the car. Sigh. Cheesy but true, music is a great extension of the heart.

*Taylor Swift 

February Reflections & Right Now

"No winter lasts forever, no spring skips its turn" -- Hal Borland

In the process of trying to find a new name for my blog, I came across some interesting information about the month of February. The name of the month comes from the Latin word februa, which means cleaning and purification. Some cultures have certain rituals that they do during the month to prepare them for the coming season. February is a funny time-- right in the middle of Winter and on the edge of Spring. 

February was a quiet month for me in terms of blogging. I didn't have much to say and was consumed with school (the semester had just begun). One thing I did do was the Photo Challenge. While it was mostly an easy way to blog for the month, it encouraged me to be creative. I liked that I had to take a particular photo each day and share it on here. The challenge also got me in the habit of posting regularly and I enjoyed feeling consistent. Perhaps at some point later this year, I will do another challenge. Fat Mum Slim is hosting them throughout the year and I enjoy the topics she picks. If you would like to participate in the March Photo Challenge, here's the link. 

Lent started on the 22nd and I decided to participate in it. Last year, I gave up chocolate for 40 days- it was challenging sometimes but I did it! This time, I had this feeling in my heart that I needed to ADD something instead of taking something away. A little but strong Voice has been telling me to read the Bible for 5 minutes a day. Truthfully, I haven't wanted much to do with the Bible, any type of church, or praying for that matter for about a year or so. I have been very turned off of religion because I had been damaged by it at one point and at the same time was a product of its nasty side. I became part of a cycle that I will never repeat. Also, last year was an emotional rollercoaster ride. I don't think these are excuses but merely reasons for why I left the Bible on the side of the road.

Now, I do think it is important to say that my relationship with Jesus is what matters. I have always known that. However, I am just starting to recover from the things that took me away from Him. Getting back to Him is a slow process because I have to remove the layers of hurt, disappointment, my pride, and all the weight that has kept me chained. Once that is all free from my heart, I have to hand over my expectations of life-- let me tell you, they are beautiful accessories that I have fashioned for myself. They're heart-crafted and tailored by the thoughts of my mind. They have taken a long time to create and I hold them dear. So dear, that I don't want to give them up quite yet. They are valuable and I don't know how HE could make something better... 

That is where I am right now to be honest with you. I am slightly dragging my feet along, but knowing that where I am going is really my heart's home. I am nervous about what I will learn along the way, how it will feel to be free, and where He will take me when I'm all His. This journey will require me to make some changes and to be completely vulnerable. It will not be easy.

But I know if I never start on this path, the chances are slim that I will ever try years from now (maybe but later isn't now). I don't want to come to the end someday and to realize I should have returned to Him when I had the chance.

This is just where I am.

~

On a lighter note, I am going to a ballet performance tonight with a friend from school. Her husband isn't able to go tonight so she's taking me instead! So excited! We're going to see "Giselle." I am not familiar with this story so I am going to read a little bit about it. :)

New Month, New Name

So, as you might have noticed, my blog is no longer "Cast and Catch." At some point in February, I got this huge desire to change my blog name but had no idea how to do so. While the name "Cast and Catch" served its purpose and was good, it felt vague and not as meaningful anymore (and hard to pronounce-- truthfully, sometimes I would forget which word would come first).

In the first part of this process, I came up with quite a few combinations and eventually decided against them (think the first one was Red Apple Highway). Then I started asking the help of my friends so I could get some feedback-- I didn't want to choose something silly sounding or that didn't represent ME.

After weeks and weeks of trying to figure out a name, I came up with several combinations:

Freckled Joy -- Joyfully Freckled
Freckled Delight -- Delightfully Freckled
Freckled Bliss -- Blissfully Freckled
Freckled Naturally -- Naturally Freckled
Sincerely Freckled
Freely Freckled

I sent an email out yesterday to some of my friends asking for their vote on the ones they liked along with an apology for bugging them for so long (thank you, you all are so special to me!!!!). They were all generous enough with their time to respond and give their opinions. It came down to Joyfully Freckled and Sincerely Freckled. Then one of my friends suggest I ask her aunt because she is good at problems solving (her aunt is also very artistic and talented). She suggested that I use the plural, freckles instead... and go with something like Freckles and _______ or _____ and Freckles. She made a good point that the word freckled gets caught in one's throat-- and why would I want people to choke on my blog name?!

Hm.... So there I was back to the drawing board again. Hemming and hawwwwwing. Lots of it. However, I was determined that on March 1st-- TODAY, I would have this crazy trivial dilemma figured out.

I got stuck on the word sincerely. I love how it sounds. I love what it means.

Like all wonderful thoughts, they happen in the most random of times and rather unexpectedly (ya know the kind where you're on the edge of falling to a deep sleep or driving somewhere). Well, my winning name occurred to me in the shower this morning. One of the greatest places to think. Today, the name just came to me and it was sweetly simple:

Sincerely Angela

As soon as I thought it, I had that happiness all over and was like "OF COURSE! That is ME." I will always be Angela and I am sincere. 

In this blog, I write about all kinds of topics and will continue to do so. I'm not defined by any particular thing and that's just who I am. I love hot days and cold nights- if I could choose my own climate I would have it be 80F in the day and 20F at night. I love blue and red. I polka dots and plaid. I believe in structure but freedom. I love Jesus but am not confined to any particular church or theology. I love fashion but I also believe in living simply. I love the snow in winter but the sunshine and warmth of summer. I love rainbows for their order and variety-- but I also love all the colors splattered on a canvas. I see the value in limits but also believe in a life without limits..... and so on.

Through all of this I have learned that I was made to love and appreciate opposites, but to find my place somewhere along the middle. I am learning how to do that, while embracing life's many treasures. 

Perhaps this is all due to me turning 25 years old. Maybe I am going through a "quarter-life crisis," or I am simply trying to figure out who I am in this wonderfully made world. Whatever it is, I will always hold true to being.....

Sincerely Angela

Welcome to my newly named blog :) 

Sometimes You and I Become We

Credit: Brooke at Grace and Light *

Teaching is extraordinary. By that I mean, that it produces some of the most interesting relationships, particularly the teacher-student kind. This type of relationship is a paradox, which in a sense is a phenomenon.

In these past few weeks, I have become keenly aware of the risks of teaching. As teachers, we learn students' strengths and weaknesses, their preferred learning styles, how to promote their positive behavior and how to deal with their negativity (sometimes it is an on-going challenge), and so much more. The journey begins when teachers meet students for the first time, whether it is on the First Day of School or a rainy Tuesday. Then after days and hours of being together, that time is over and goodbyes and 'see you laters' must happen.

The in-between stuff that is when the contradiction takes place and can lead to tough endings. I have found, that I can get so caught up in wanting a child to succeed that I start speaking a different language. I start talking with the student as though I am a part of their work and success. I start saying "when we.... then we.... we will... maybe we will... we can...." and so on. Sometimes I don't verbalize the message of we but it becomes apparent the more I am passionate about the child jumping over their hurdles. Kind of like at a football game when the crowd is cheering together, there are times when the game gets so intense it feels like WE are with the players-- the we are on that field too.

But really, who is the one that will win the game?

It's the boys in the uniforms on the field, the runners on the race track, the swimmers in the pool, the quilt artist in a county fair...

In school and everywhere else, it is the child who is responsible for their success. That doesn't mean there won't be failures and glitches but when it comes down to 'winning'-- they are the ones that own it all.

I am the supporter. My place is on the sidelines, some days as a coach others as just a facilitator so they have someone there while they practice.

I don't see this big picture all of the time when I am helping students. As a matter of fact, on Thursday night when I was tutoring a very difficult student (one of those highly resistant middle schoolers that has no structure at home) I could barely stop myself from saying we. She created quite a power struggle and the more tense it got, the more I started saying "and we could fix this part of your essay to sound kind of like this...." I did correct myself several times and tried to say "I think you might want to do this...." or "I think your ideas are great here..." but boy I just couldn't help it. We. we. we.

Why couldn't I stop it?!! Because I cared so much and I still do. This student is writing a wonderful essay about powerful women in history and with some finishing touches, it could be quite thought provoking piece of writing. That night she lacked in interest and dedication to her topic and that caused me to fill in that empty hole. I cared because I wanted her to care.

But it is not about we. I am the supporter and she is the game player.

The language of we can be ever so tricky, especially when it is time to separate. For my reading practicum, I had to do a case study on a struggling student. I spent lots of time working with this student for about three weeks. I was with him so much I actually felt like an aide.  I didn't necessarily use the 'we' verbal messages but after all of our work together-- sounding out letters, practicing listening skills, writing letters, saying the name of letters, participating in the ERI (Early Reading Intervention) group in the afternoon, reading books together... we sort of became a we. On my last day, I was surprised in some ways that I got so emotional. I didn't realize how close we had become over that those weeks. I wanted him to succeed and he knew that I was there to help him along. I will really miss that kiddo.

It's no easy thing, this relationship between a teacher and a student. I think the hardest part is accepting the fact that WE are not we but merely individuals that are going through experiences together. From start to finish, I am on my own and so are you. Not to sound terribly sappy but what is shared, for always, are the memories whether they be good, bad or mixed.

I just hope that for every student I form a bond with, they will remember I cared about their well being and want nothing but the best for them. As each of us puts one foot in front of the other, on separate ways, it is comforting to know that nothing can take away what happened in those hours and moments that were spent together.


__
*her heart garland tutorial is at this link... something I want to try!

Lessons from Heart Shapers

Credit: Marianne Lo Monaco, her shop at Etsy

In these past two weeks I have been very busy with my reading practicum and had one day of subbing (at my fav school). This means I have spent lots of time with kids! Some days have been pretty good and others have been the type where you ask, "how many hours are left?" Needless to say, I have been learning a lot from those youngins.

Less than two weeks ago I subbed in a first grade class after being in a 3/4 split in he morning. Unfortunately I was not feeling good that day -- literally felt like my thoughts were moving through sludge or super thick molasses. Anyhow, the afternoon was totally off kilter. The kids were riled up and then one of them threw up in the sink while I was reading a book about Martin Luther King, Jr. The custodian came to clean the mess. The custodian told me her machine was loud so I took the kids out for a recess. In which, of course, someone fell down and had to go to the office. At that time I was getting a serious lesson about flexibility. I always learn about that whenever I teach but boy did I get an intensive lesson that afternoon! Getting better at dealing with what comes along...

After "recess," once I got the kids settled and an argument resolved. I continued with reading the book about Martin Luther King, Jr. This was the part of the day that glimmered and sparkled. Whether it was driven by my state of tiredness or not, I dug into the heart of MLK's legacy (or a piece of it that is). I talked to the kids very seriously about MLK and really wanted them to understand that his story is real. When I got to the part of blacks and whites being segregated I reinforced the fact that this injustice happened in our country. The kids, those that were paying attention, were in disbelief and in their own way, disgusted. I contrasted in telling him that things are different-- skin color doesn't ban a child from school (if these were older kids you could pose the question if things have really changed). Thanks to MLK.

When got to the part where MLK was murdered they were quite emotional about it -- they didn't understand why that would happen. One boy in particular kept responding to the text aloud and I didn't stop him from blurting out. Purposefully. He had such complex thoughts on the event and he was trying to wrap his head around the tragedy. He kept asking "Why would someone kill someone who was so nice and good?" and just didn't know why on earth a great person would be killed. I was almost awestruck with his comments. I didn't know how to respond either but my only answer was that while it is so sad we can make sure that we never hurt someone else like that. That we treat each other with love and kindness. And to keep MLK's dream alive.

I think what I learned from this is that it's not necessarily about the questions we ask but that we ask them in the first place. Injustice needs to be questioned or it will never be changed.

I hadn't given it much thought until that day but I am a fighter against social injustice. I'm an advocate, first, for children and then for those that are treated unfairly (won't get into specifics tonight).

I learned too that though I honestly don't know that much about MLK's life I do know about his story. I feel his frustrations and can share in his heartache. I also know there is much work to be done-- his dream is not a complete reality yet.


Just this week I had a run in with the choice, "Do I firmly discipline this child or do I encourage him with assistance?" It was a matter of Love and Kindness. Not that firm discipline isn't loving but this child was getting out of hand and needed some quick redirection and I was debating on going about it gently. The poor child was just having an awful time following task directions and felt incapable of being able to do anything. After watching him struggle I sat down with him, put my arm around his shoulders and told him I would do part of the work if he did the rest. He needed that gentle encouragement and felt good about his efforts afterwards.

Sometimes that is what we need, an arm around us and a strong voice telling us we CAN. A child taught me that lesson.

I almost wonder some days who the teacher is! I think a lot of teachers could and do say the same thing. Kids are heart shapers. They sure know how to change mine.

Looking Back at 2011

Credit: Teguh Santosa

[This entry is more or less just for me but if you want to read go ahead...]

Truthfully, the thought of reviewing 2011 is a bit exhausting but I feel as though it is needed.  2011 will always be the year that changed my perspectives almost every aspect of life. Last year had many high highs and lows, often they came hand in hand. Not only were events a mixed bag but life was just insanely busy. I think it was a rough year for the world too, as a local news station marked 2011 as a "tumultuous year." Really, for me, I could sum it up as being the year of unexpectedness; so much that when something rather large, bad or crazy happened I would laugh and say "of course, because it is 2011."

To this end, 2011 did not start off well. As mentioned in a previous post, I had inklings that last year wouldn't be spectacular... I knew from the moment the "ball dropped," transitioning from 2010 to 'l1 that it was going to be another year, not one full of hope.

My intuition was correct and on January 10th, 2011 we had to put down our last kitty, one of the "Originals." While this may sound trivial to some, it was very devastating. I can't believe that it has been 365 days without Minnie. I think one of the hardest parts of that experience was having to feel the reality that life is temporary and what we love may be gone tomorrow. Perhaps this is a cliche -- it is often a reaction to losing something you love, but last January, it hit me hard. I think it is safe to say that the event itself shot me into a depression and I was numb for quite some time. I grieved over my loss and all others that I have lost in the past. 

While it was awful feeling the way that I did, purposefully, it opened my heart in other ways. It's true- endings do mean new beginnings. A few days after losing Minnie, I was working at Hallmark with a dear co-worker and a customer from Rainier, WA (or St. Helens?) came in to buy some items. Around that time a horrible tragedy had occurred in Washington that involved at least one police officer being killed. This poor lady also knew some other people who had recently passed away; she was clearly traumatized. My co-worker and I talked with her and allowed her to vent. I had so much empathy for that woman- I felt sad for her too. Meeting her was humbling as well, I needed to be reminded that I wasn't the only one who was struggling... and others have gone through so much worse.

(After contemplating this blog post, I thought it made more sense to make categories versus going month by month)

Unexpected Deaths
- Minnie in January
- A family friend from the beach died from a heart attack in February
- Another family friend, a lovely 90 year old lady died in the Spring
- In the world: Steve Jobs

Natural Disasters
- Awful tornado season in the U.S., particularly in Alabama and Joplin in Spring & Summer
- Huge wildfires in AZ
- In the world: Christchurch, NZ (Feb. 22nd), 6.3 earthquake that was very devastating to that city. Massive 9.1 earthquake in Japan (March 11th)- I will never forget those images of destruction...

Football
- Oregon Ducks to the BCIS game on January 10th in which they lost... I was so numb that day.
- Green Bay packers won the Super Bowl on Feb. 6th!

Unexpected Romance
- On Valentine's Day I was asked out by a very kind gentleman, but unfortuantely he called and I answered the phone in front of lots of customers... I was very shocked and didn't know what to say. My boss ended up yelling at him for calling at that time and I felt mortified. Poor guy!
- A week later I decided to email him and apologize for the situation and that I was flattered he asked me out.
- After a month of talking we met for coffee on March 22nd... and we are still going out. Of course, at the time I thought it was onlycoffee. ;-)

New Furry Friends
- On President's Day, Feb. 21st, we decided we were ready for a cat! We wanted a totally different cat than our previous three... and boy, oh BOY did we get a different beast! Cheese Puff, a very rotund orange Tabby  came to live with us.
- On Armed Forces Day, May 21st, a black and white kitten was added to our family! We didn't know at the time that she would turn out to be quite the diva. She truly lives up to her name, Coco Chanel (originally Coco Puff- she is puffy when mad!).
-Of course, girl cat doesn't get along with boy so we have to keep them separate. We have come up with many different solutions but now have it figured out. She's the house gal and he is outside most of the time- for the most part it is peaceful here...until she, by our accident, sneaks her way to Puff and smacks him. haha World War III here sometimes!

Celebrations
- Enjoyed the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton on April 29th... Yes, I got up super early and watched the wedding live. It was great to have an uplifting occasion in the world!
- Granny turned 100 this year and we had a party for her on July 31st!
- Sarah's (now husband), D graduated from high school in June and we went to the ceremony to support him.
- D graduated from Basic Training in the Army in November.
- Sarah and D got married on December 31st. :)

Job Changes & Work
- At the end of May, I was given a tutoring position at Sylvan and I gladly accepted. This couldn't have happened at better time too. I formally quit Hallmark - though I will say, I still miss being with the cards! haha
- Continued to substitute! Had my longest consecutive sub job in December, for 4 days. I thoroughly enjoyed taking over the class for that week. It was a great experience!

Political Leaders Removed from their Positions
-May 1st: Osama bin Laden was killed
- October (not sure on date): Mommar Gadhafi was killed
- November (don't remember the date either- might've been close to the 11th): Kim Jong Il of North Korea died, so he was 'removed' through natural causes.

Bizarre News & Events
- Gabrielle Giffords was shot on January 8th in Tuscon... her story was closely followed all year. What a horrific thing to experience- amazingly enough she lived and is recovering very well through therapy. She has one heck of a story!
- Mom broke her wrist in June, which added to the nutty-ness of the year.
- Occupy Wall Street Movement spread across the nation and the world. Portland's Occupy protest started in October and lasted for quite awhile.
-- Plenty of other weird news but this was one of the main stories.

Remembrances
- 2011 marked the 10th anniversary of September 11th. Wow!

Family Change
- In June my parents separated -- my dad moved out to his own place. This has been a good change for everyone and it is something I intend to write about soon, but am still mulling over how to write about it appropriately.

Travel, Coming & Going
- I went out of the country for the first time to Costa Rica, August 10th to the 21st. That was a very life changing experience! I am so thankful for that opportunity.
- Mom went out of the country two times for work; Brazil end of July (for 4 days) and Singapore (for a week) in September.
- Our family friend from Costa Rica stayed with us twice this year. She stayed with us for about 2 weeks end of July to beginning of August, and then for approximately 2.5 weeks in October to early November.
- Sarah went to Georgia two times to see D; for Family Weekend and Graduation.

School
- Made more progress to completing my Master's. My degree plan changed this past summer because I had the option to add in a Reading endorsement instead of doing the typical Master's courses. :) Yay for a good change!
- Successfully completed my ESOL courses and practicum!
~

Ah... 2011 it was quite the year. I know I am forgetting plenty of things but I think this gives one a good idea that it was a year full of highs and lows. As I might have mentioned already, life was just non-stop busy busy BUSY!

2011 truly taught me how to go with the flow.... Oh did it ever!

I hope this year is much better :)

One Week Ago, Today

One week ago, today, my little sister got married. The day was beautiful and everything came together smoothly.

Memories
--Seeing how beautiful my sis looked when she put on her dress
-- Feeling ecstatic about how my dress slipped on and looked better than I remembered!
--Laughing with my sister about how I was the nervous one; she was pretty calm the whole time
-- My aunts popping in at the bridal room as we were getting ready; everyone was so helpful and full of hugs!
-- My mom and my Aunt Shari sharing tears over the symbolism in Sarah's bouquet: the white flower in hers represented Papa (who passed away several years ago) and the red in mine represented Granny.
-- Sharing those final moments with my sis before we walked up the stairs to the foyer
-- Waiting with my parents and sister, all scrunched up so that no one would see Sarah.
-- Being told by the wedding planner to get to the doors to walk with the best man down the aisle. Funny thing is, she told us when to walk in but I wasn't totally sure since she went somewhere temporarily. Oh well! We walked down fine though probably faster than necessary from nerves. I enjoyed it though..
-- When walking down the aisle I loved seeing family and friends who came to support Sarah & D. I was surprised to see certain ones there, which was fun. After glancing at those in the pews, I smiled at D. He looked so ready to see his bride!
-- Once getting to my place by the pastor, the music was supposed to change for Sarah. The organist, not having done a wedding at the church before, lost her place in the program for a few seconds. Guess she had played "Trumpet Voluntary" when I walked down the aisle with the best man. Anyhow, that was the song that Sarah wanted for her entrance... The pastor kindly told the organist to play the music and then Sarah, Mom and Dad walked down the aisle.
-- As Sarah walked down the aisle the whole experience started to feel surreal. I couldn't pinch myself but I wanted to. "Really?! Is this happening?!" In some ways it kind of felt like we had all dressed up and were putting on a fancy show... but nope, it was the reality and it is still sinking in.
-- When Sarah was walking down the aisle I loved seeing the smile on her face and the happiness on D's as well. I couldn't decide who I wanted to look at so I glanced several times back and forth to see their faces.
--Instead of a unity candle, Sarah & D did the signing of the marriage license. I'll always remember the beautiful music, "This Marriage" by Eric Whitacre that played during this part of the ceremony.
--The relief when the ceremony was over, and we circled around the sanctuary to come back for pictures. Sarah and D raced out of there and hugged each other tightly. Very sweet.
--Though it wasn't pleasant, it is memorable about Sarah's struggle with her dress. Unfortunately, it was really tight so she felt close to fainting when we were taking family pictures. During the reception a cousin and I loosened her dress and used clothes pins to hold the zipper together.
-- The beautiful reception tables decorated by two of my cousins and their mom. They did a spectacular job!
--Tasty lasagna, salad, and cheese bread (was able to get down some of it- spent most of the time flying around talking to people).
-- Giving the toast and feeling oh so nervous! I knew what I wanted to say but I felt emotional and nervous. Much of the toast is a blur, but I know I spoke from my heart and that is all that matters. I just wanted to let my sis and bro know that they're supported and that I am so happy for them.
--The unexpected and wonderful toast given my the best man, D's younger brother. He was very well spoken and also expressed support for this newly married couple. I was touched that he was able to verbalize his feelings. I know that meant a lot to D and his family.
-- Sarah & D cutting the cake, Sarah was very happy that there was a Christmas cake knife on the table. They kindly gave each other a piece of cake. So glad they didn't smash it on each other's face! They couldn't though because D was in uniform and that wouldn't have been too good.
-- Sarah & D's first dance to "Love Like Crazy" by Lee Brice. I am so glad they chose a country song!
-- Dancing with Granny (she boogied down!), cousins, an uncle, and some other family members. Everyone got involved when the "YMCA" song played. It is a family favorite so we had a good time dancing and singing!
-- Being silly with my cousins as we moved to the music!
-- Sarah and D doing the garter toss before they got ready to leave. Sarah loved her Army garter belt. Funny thing is it was caught by her friend's brother.
-- Cheering for Sarah & D as they left the church to get into the town car. :) As they left the church, the bells rang for them. The incredibly thoughtful custodian helped to make that possible. So special!
-- As Sarah and D were leaving, I couldn't help but watch his dad's face. Those were the last few moments for D's dad to see him (as D left on the 1st). When the car departed I made sure to give his dad a hug. We both needed that.



... And those are all the memories I can list for today! I am just trying to have this day recorded for me personally and for some family members. As I say, this blog is primarily for me and if others read, then great! :)

Today We Remember

Remember [re mem ber]

1) to recall to the mind by an act or effort of memory; think of again

2) to retain in the memory; keep in mind; remain aware of

~

This is the post that everyone is writing about today, rightfully so. It is incredibly difficult writing about this horrific event that happened in the United States, just 10 years ago. There are no words that are quite fitting for describing this significant time. 

On the television this evening there was a special that described the terrorist attack events through the perspective of the firefighters. Their stories along with the images were so profound. What makes me so sick is that while so many thousands of innocent people died at the time, others are still dying from that awful day. Sadly, many firefighters are now dying from serious diseases and multiple cancers. Not only that but these heroes- firefighters and paramedics have dealt with serious PTSD since 9/11. These amazing men and women have endured mental and physical torture since then. Watching this documentary on tv was a good reminder that while this act of terrorism happened 10 years ago, so many are still suffering. 

~

I see the world so much differently than I did 10 years ago. When I looked back in my personal journals I was reminded of how much I was just a 14 year old, a new high school student, entering the 9th grade. Not only that but I was (and still) living in Oregon... 3,000 miles away. While I did write briefly about 9/11 and expressed some empathy-- I really didn't "get it" at the time. I was so much more consumed with my own "trials" as a hormonal teenager than as someone who truly cared about my fellow human beings.

Though I didn't express myself well in writing, I do remember being that young disoriented high school student waking up for another day in the school year. I remember sitting at the kitchen table in my PJs with unbrushed rumpled hair and eating cereal. I sat there as usual reading the cereal box and staring off into la-la land as I attempted to get my eyes to function and attempting to get myself to feel more alert...

I did feel somewhat odd that morning as I had a bizarre dream shortly before I woke up. This is something which I have not spoken about much as I haven't wanted people to accuse me of making it up. However, as it has stuck with me for all these years and I am fairly intuitive, I know it was a legitimate dream. So, before I woke up on that ironically beautiful September day... I dreamed of something unusual than all other dreams. In my sleep I saw a black screen with several neon green circles- like that of a air traffic controller's monitor. On that screen I saw two green lines parallel to each other. Then at one point, one small neon green line started to come towards those two parallel lines. 

Now, I understand.

I wouldn't say that I am able to foretell of events but I somehow had that vision that night. It wasn't until quite sometime after 9/11 that I realized what I had dreamed about. And as I said earlier, it is not something I talk openly about but on that morning, I felt very strange. The oddness of the dream certainly contributed to me feeling groggy as I shoveled the cereal into my mouth.

Not long after I had been eating breakfast, Dad came into the kitchen and announced that one of the World Trade Centers had been hit by a plane. At the time I had no idea what the WTC was and assumed it was an accident. That is also what my mom had assumed too- we didn't realize until we saw the news that it was a passenger plane that had hit one of the buildings. 

We immediately turned on the news and were stunned with what we saw happening. I remember being so confused and not comprehending anything. It took me a little bit to realize that the country was being attacked. 

Somehow in the midst of watching the news I managed to get myself ready for the day. Much of the day is blurry but I remember that when I got to school I felt so alone. Everything was eerily quiet and there was a sense of panic. Not only did I feel uncomfortable for what I knew was happening in the world, but I still had the challenge of trying to find the right classroom! 

The whole day at school was spent discussing the attacks and watching the news. I remember being in my first class and hearing about one of the planes hitting a location in Washington. Of course at the time, and feeling so scared, I assumed it was Washington State. Someone kindly corrected me and said it was Washington D.C. I remember feeling so fearful and vulnerable. We all wondered: What is going to happen next?

Walking home from school that day felt strange and lonely. The roads were quiet, the sky was quiet, the birds even seemed hidden away... I remember walking much faster that day, anxious to get into the safety of my house. On my walk home two fighter jets flew over and thankfully, I knew they were US forces protecting the country. I said out loud, "thank you." I watched them fly far away...

~

The rest of that day I can't remember but I know I spent plenty of time watching the news, as it recounted the days' events- people running, yelling, screaming, planes crashing, fire, seeing the towers fall, tears, massive clouds of debris and dust, flags everywhere... 

As I have seen these images again today I look at them with a much differently than I did as a 14 year old teenager. Today I look at the faces of these people, these precious human beings, and it makes my heart break. I can't help but be choked up seeing these pictures of pain and even of those of healing. I am touched, too, when I see pictures of perfect strangers giving a hand to another in need. This is the consistent storyline in the 9/11 events - the day which all Americans united. It's sad that this day is what brought people together, but in some ways, the small idealistic part in me likes to think that we are always this way. We just tend to share it more in times of trial- and for this reason, this is why it is good for us to remember. Not to only remember those that have fallen and sacrificed, but to remember that we have each other. Sappy sounding but true. A reminder that the distance from one another isn't so far at all.

To conclude my little contribution, that is now part of this large tapestry of stories, it is only appropriate that I express my thankfulness. I mentioned earlier that so many individuals are still suffering today from this tragedy.  We have firefighters suffering from diseases (along with other heroes) and cancers, and then there are those that have selflessly sacrificed their lives overseas. So, I am saying thank you to all military servicemen and women, those that protect us in the US, and to their families who also have sacrificed so much. 

Our lives are forever changed and for thousands, incredibly so. Today we remember. Nunca olvidaremos. We will never forget.

--

Image