1. rousing, exciting, or thrilling
2. moving, active, bustling, or lively
I'm fairly tired, trying to get over a cold, my mind is going 90 miles an hour with so many thoughts and my heart feels like it is changing. In honor of the first official day of Fall, it seemed appropriate to write a little post about change. This probably won't be a long one because I need to get to bed, but I need to process my thoughts a little.
There is so much going on around me and in me these days. I can't write the details of the "around me" situation as it would not be appropriate. So I am sorry for the vagueness. While I do love sharing my life and being honest, I also don't believe in disclosing everything on the internet. With that said, this one situation is going on around me but it is not my problem to deal with. I can only pray that God will be in the midst of everything and that HIS will WILL be done. I do feel very stressed being around such a problem and I can't let myself get swept away in it all again. I am an individual, a 23 year old woman, working on my relationship with Jesus, building a life of my own with friends, doing a running plan, working at my little part-time job, going to school, staying in touch with close family members... so many good things. I feel so much joy because of all of it. So blessed. All of this is ME. This is what separates me from the storm that isn't mine. I'm so glad that God has been working my life to get me where I am today.
Now, for the in me... I feel like there is something going on in my heart these days. I can't pinpoint it exactly but I feel like God is really starting to dig into me. I love it too. I feel like He is working on the rough edges and helping me to see the areas I need to work on. Believe me, there are mannnny rough edges!
One area that God is trying to smooth out is my fear of commitment. May sound strange but it is true. For the past few years, the thought of being committed to anything has freaked me out. In my heart and mind the word commitment has been synonymous with the word stuck. Fear of being committed to Teach for America; a contract for 2 years in a whole new environment... Fear of getting my own classroom someday and not liking it (yes I am embarrassed to say that)... or Fear of being with someone and realizing I AM unhappy. Horrible. I can't live like this anymore. There are plenty of psychological reasons behind my issues with that which I won't delve into. Last night, I felt like I was convicted to pray about that problem. I can't live a life with that barrier around my heart-- I will never be able to see a wonderful opportunity or person if I hold onto that negative thought process. God can use that amazing bond of commitment for so many parts of life. There is joy that comes with commitment and I want to be open to it. I need to LET GO.
Ironic how life seems to mirror the changing seasons but I think that is purposeful. I have no idea what may come tomorrow, the next day or even this cozy season of fall... but one thing I know right now: something is stirring.